Let's get this thing started again ... My recent journey to recovery

Well here I sit one day out of an inpatient stay that allowed me to delve into my enjoyment of writing in the form of a journal.  I'm not sure why I put it on the back burner for quite some time now but it has been exceptionally therapeutic for me so I decided to give this a whirl again.  I suppose I should start with a little about what I've recently gone through and how I have redirected my focus on loving myself and feeling worthy to be alive.  You might think those two things are "givens" but I'm here to tell you that it isn't easy to achieve these core beliefs!  It takes daily and difficult work for some of us that have spent way too many years wallowing in hopelessness and self loathing.  For me the turning point came while staring down six syringes meant to inject a lethal 600 units of regular insulin in an attempt to go quietly into whatever the hereafter has in store for me.  Yes, it was most definitely a suicidal ideation and was dangerously close to success were it not for being found by a loving and concerned friend who intervened at just the right time.  While I could start at pretty much any point in my life since these thoughts and self beliefs have lingered for many years, more than I care to count, I think it's better to begin with the events of this year that culminated in feeling there was no way out other than exiting this earthly mortal existence.  So here we go!

January unfolded with an infection raging on both legs thought to have been triggered by my out of control blood sugar levels.  I haven't done the hard work of taking care of myself and reigning in my diabetes like I should and I ended up in the hospital on massive doses of both IV and oral antibiotics.  The infections subsided successfully and things were on the upswing.  I was becoming more and more proficient in my new position in Corporate Services and finding both success and comfort in the role.  My ability to connect with people serves me well when servicing the issues and needs of the customers I worked with on a day to day basis and felt that my career at American Express was well on the way to a long and prosperous tenure with serious growth and development opportunities.  If only my health was kept in check and I had the ability to do what needed to be done to control and maintain my blood sugar this year might have evolved in a more positive way.  But I digress.  One of the biggest consequences of all of those hefty antibiotics was the impact on my gastrointestinal system.  I began having significant and rapidly worsening symptoms including abdominal pain, nausea and, at risk of divulging way too much information, frequent and explosive diarrhea that became uncontrollable.  At the peak of symptomology I was going 8 to 10 times a day and sometimes not making it to the bathroom.  It got so bad that I began to miss work and had to take advantage of FMLA for the increasing need for time off.  I couldn't take the chance that I would have an uncontrolled episode at work out of fear of embarrassment, not to mention the time off the incoming phone queue needed to spend in the bathroom.  My blood sugar was all over the place and routinely exceeded 400+ which added exhaustion and fatigue to the mix.  During this time I also found myself simply unable to keep up with and be successful in my academic pursuits as well and had to put my Master's degree work on the shelf.  Needless to say this took a huge toll on my emotional health as well and I spiraled into a very deep depression.  I got to the point that I couldn't leave my condo and became mostly housebound which only made things worse.

With nothing my primary care physician trying finding any success I gave in and went to a gastroenterologist for further testing and diagnosis.  Numerous lab tests and a colonoscopy ruled out many of the possibilities and even the biopsies for everything from Crohn's to Ulcerative Colitis proved to be negative.  While this made my doctor happy and should have had the same impact on me, I found even greater frustration and despair.  The final diagnosis was made of Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS and the GI doc prescribed several medications to reign in and control the symptoms.  While there was some improvement I still struggled with frequent episodes and was unable to gain the control needed to live and work a normal existence.  FMLA was approved for much of the time but salary continuation benefits were denied based on criteria not being met.  I think my GI doc didn't have the belief or understanding of how this was impacting me in every aspect of my day to day existence which led to my deepening frustration, depression and hopelessness.  Without any income coming in my financial obligations became increasingly overwhelming and I have been unable to keep up.  My debt load simply could no longer be successfully maintained and assistance from friends compounded my guilt and depression.  I came to a crossroad and found the only thought that made any sense was for me to end my life and go quietly and without fanfare to whatever fate was in store for me on the other side.  In my mind I was worth more dead than alive and it seemed the only way to end the pain I was experiencing.  I began researching ways to exit this life and came to the conclusion that a lethal overdose of insulin was the most attractive option and my plan took shape.

I know now that my issues with depression, self loathing and helplessness were ever present and only needed the slightest nudge to push things to the critical stage.  The health issues were merely the conduit that led me to the deepest and darkest place I have ever been in my life.  With the syringes lined up carefully on the kitchen counter I hesitated filling them and went back numerous times to look at them and take that final step.  I can only think and believe that it was divine intervention that prevented me from proceeding as planned, or at least delayed the inevitable.  Maybe God was trying to tell me that in spite of my own lack of faith or belief that I could be loved and that I was even worthless to my higher power I was worth saving and he wasn't finished with me yet.  I'd like to believe that is the case but I'm still working hard to internalize that within my core and it remains an ongoing challenge.  Shortly after my last trip to the kitchen to fill the syringes and be done with it, once again finding myself waiting just a little longer, one of my best friends arrived at my door and let herself in with the key I had previously provided her.  I had not responded to her calls that day and she was aware of my spiraling depression so out of concern, and maybe a little nudging from God, she came by to check on me.  Realizing that I had reached the end of my rope, she instinctively knew just what to do.  She was not going to let me go that easily and gave me no alternative but to seek help.  In short order she had the crisis team knocking at my door.  After a brief assessment the two kind and wonderful gentlemen and Jackie escorted me to the ER at Thunderbird Hospital where I was subsequently transported and admitted to Banner Behavioral Health for inpatient treatment.  I was safe from self harm and began to work toward recovery.

I really can't describe adequately the blessing it was for me to land at such a wonderful and caring facility.  Intense therapy began along with medications that aided my brain chemistry in dealing with the dark recesses of my mind that needed so desperately to be addressed and healed.  At some point soon I will work to put into words the experiences I had while in the snake pit, but suffice it to say I was able to get to a happier place.  Much work remains to be done but I feel more able to effectively deal with what's to come.  I begin intensive outpatient treatment this next week that will require three hours of group therapy three times a week supplemented by individual counseling and medication management under the direction of a doctor and psychologist two times weekly.  I remain off work for the time being in order to focus on progress and continue the healing that has already begun.  I hope to return to my job in mid October with a whole new outlook on life and at least a small and growing amount of self worth and inner peace.  My employer has been more than supportive and for that, along with the resources they provide, will help put me on a much more positive path that will allow me to grow into the person I should be, one of value, self confidence, stability, and most of all self love!  So let's get this party started!  I'm already on my way to a much brighter and more fulfilling journey!