Rough Day ... The Hits Just Keep On Coming

Fridays are supposed to indicate the joyous beginning of the weekend right?  Resounding choruses of TGIF fill the air and weekend plans are on the launching pad.  Postings on Facebook by friends and acquaintances announce what everyone is doing, where they are going, or that they are simply thankful to have two days off ... for those who don't work weekends anyway.  I have some fun plans myself this weekend that will hopefully take my mind of things.  Dinner tomorrow with Melony and Coby at Longhorn and then the Broncos-Seahawks game on Sunday with Tiff and Joe, and I hear that ribs are on the menu for that.  Yum!  I should finish the weekend well fed and grateful for the time with friends.  I only wish I could do something about the dark cloud that continues to hover over my head and follow me around like a codependent puppy dog.  Trying to stay positive is much more difficult than it sounds and I am far from perfecting that talent right now.  I am, however, truly blessed and thankful that I have such a wonderful support system of family and friends that encourage me to look on the bright side of things, and remain positive themselves when I'm having a hard time doing it myself.

I finally got a call back from the person handling my short term disability claim today and found out that the process continues on.  They have decided that the claim needs independent medical review which will take up to an additional three weeks.  I'm not sure why the decision was made at this point since they have had all the documentation since three weeks ago.  If it was needed it really could have been done already at this point, but I suspect the standard practice is to take the full amount of time they allow.  I'm still trying to remain hopeful that everything will work out.  I think I was more down today to start with so this additional news had me right back to focusing on the negative and spiraling down.  Jackie stopped by this evening to help encourage me to hang in there and I'm sure time spent with friends over the weekend is going to help me refocus and regain a more positive outlook.  I'm glad that I'll be heading right back into group Monday morning.  Getting support and validation from them is also so helpful for me, even when it's tough and sometimes down right uncomfortable to share how I'm feeling since I have a tendency to get emotional.  I just hate getting that way in front of people but I do know it's a safe place to do so.  I have to really try not to put on that happy go lucky mask and be honest and forthright.  That's the only way I'm going to truly benefit from my participation in the program.

I finally have follow up appointments set with a couple additional providers for medication management and individual counseling.  The mental health system is so overloaded that it takes a while to be able to get something scheduled.  I feel better knowing that's done so I can continue with that part of the process.  It feels like I've been away from work forever, which makes me uncomfortable, but I know I have to get these things taken care of and get myself well so that I can return with enthusiasm.  At this point I fear I'm going to have to relearn some things, but I guess that is normal and expected.  It just kills me because I know there is still such a stigma with mental health and I'm afraid this whole experience is going to put me in a different light to some people.  I can't worry about that too much though.  It is what it is and I just have to do whatever it takes to recover so I can get back in the saddle successfully.  It's such a roller coaster right now because there are times I feel like I'm doing really well and then I have those darker down periods that make me feel like I'm right back where I started.  Maybe I'm expecting too much too quickly.  Ultimately all I can do at this point is just let go and let God, as they say.