The Snowball Effect

Did you ever start out with one problem and through the course of addressing it you find yourself inundated with more and more issues along the way until the situation is so big you're sure it just can't be or isn't worth tackling?  Being a somewhat regular viewer of home improvement shows I see this in action all the time.  You want to simply add an outlet and once the drywall is cut out you discover termite damage, which leads to finding that all of the studs must be replaced.  Then you learn that the foundation holding up those studs is crumbling and sinking into the earth.  Suddenly you realize that the outlet wasn't really worth it after all and wish you had never started.  Alas, it's too late to turn back and you are faced with the necessity for a complete renovation.  The tub and tile shower surround in my bathroom have seen better days and I have delusions of grandeur about ripping out the tub and replacing it with a large walk-in shower all done in stone tile.  Sounds simple right?  Well, apart from not having the money right now for such a project, my worst fear is that the current tile and tub will be ripped out only to reveal some huge issue hidden away that totally explodes the budget.  It scares me to death to even think about what might be lurking behind those walls.  It's like making a little snowball representing what you'd like to do, but once the snowball is unleashed and begins to roll down the hill you find yourself totally engulfed and leading the way for the avalanche to follow close behind.  You are no longer in control and can only hold on for dear life in hopes that you'll survive when everything finally settles.

I'm finding my process of recovery and healing closely follows this pattern.  What I thought at the beginning to be the issue that needed attention has snowballed out of control and uncovered underlying events and emotions I wasn't even aware were there.  Once I began to realize that what was hidden deep down is now exposed and throbbing like the nerve in a sensitive tooth.  It seems to just keep getting deeper and more painful the further I delve into and explore the memories and circumstances that have ultimately let me to where I am today.  Becoming hopeless and depressed about my ongoing and unresolved health issues I've experienced this year and getting to the point that I truly believed there was only one way out which resulted in me staring down the barrels of six syringes filled with insulin seemed pretty straightforward.  I had given in to the fact that we couldn't figure out what was causing the uncontrollable gastrointestinal problems and had reached the end of my rope.  What I've discovered is that there was much more there just waiting patiently under the surface for that last little snowball to come rolling down the hill, triggering the growing avalanche that buried me alive.  Some things, like low self esteem and depression, I knew full well were laying in wait as I have struggled with these things for most of my life to one extent or another.  I had no idea, however, what was waiting for me at the bottom of the hill.  The trauma of having been sexually abused and manipulated as a young child must have been the most patient of all the hidden and unresolved memories just standing silently at the ready for that snowball to land right on it.  Once the icy boulder came to rest, there it was staring me in the face and seeming to say "It's about time you got here!"

It hit me like a ton of bricks, but something more happened as well.  It's like a light bulb suddenly turned on and everything packed into that snowball suddenly made total sense.  Of course my lifelong issues with self esteem, at least to a large extent, stem from that experience.  The depression and anxiety that went unchecked for an amazingly long time absolutely ties back to the trauma of being molested.  My patterns of how I relate intimately with someone most certainly were formed out of what had been done to me.  And my continued questioning and discomfort about my sexual orientation has definitely been influenced by what I went through.  Why has it taken all this time for that switch to be flipped on?  My therapist reassured me today that it is very common for the subconscious mind to hide away these types of experiences until much later in life when it decides it's time to deal with it all.  It doesn't make me feel any better as yet about everything and it's going to take some time, introspection, and a lot of difficult and painful work on my part to get through the darkness and move into the light of day.

Just because everything clicks into place and instantly explains so much about the root sources out of which so many unhealthy and destructive thoughts, core beliefs and behaviors have emerged over the years doesn't mean the journey is over.  It's not a shot of penicillin that simply makes the infection rapidly heal and go away; not by a long shot!  I am beginning to view the process as being similar to climate change, for those who believe in that scientifically factual stuff, and its impact on the polar icecaps.  Recognizing the causes is only the first step.  Monumental action has to be taken and new paths must be forged and embarked on in order to have a positive impact and undo the significant damage that's already been done.  In some ways I feel fortunate that I have now gotten to the place of identifying and acknowledging the causes.  At least I am now at the starting point from where I need to venture forth toward reparations and achieving the freedom from bondage that has been holding me down.  The work must begin in earnest and I firmly believe I'm finally on the right track.  I'm doing my best to work through the program of intensive group and individual counseling, and I'm being as painfully and brutally honest as I can with myself and others about identifying and challenging the negative and destructive and replacing it with the more healthy and positive.  The road map I've been following is beginning to slowly reveal its key that's so necessary in interpreting and following the correct path.  The GPS is engaged and I'm beginning to trust the turn by turn directions I'm receiving.  How quickly I get to my destination will depend on the traffic along the way, but I now have much stronger faith that I'll get there eventually!  I just wish there was an app for that!