Writer's Block and the Blood Sugar Roller Coaster

One of my regular readers contacted me and expressed worry that I hadn't posted anything in a couple days.  How awesome it is to have people eagerly awaiting what I might have to share.  That truly is an awesome feeling!  While I appreciate the concern I'm really doing fine, I've just had a bout of writer's block I guess.  I've sat down to compose some epic posting sure to win a Pulitzer only to come up empty.  I guess I can always write about therapy and things I'm trying to process in my mind between sessions, but at the same time don't want to be rehashing things over and over either.  Although I have to do that in my mind in order to work through things, I'm sure those who follow and read this would probably agree that it gets tiresome talking about some of the same topics repeatedly.  I suppose maybe I'm feeling some self imposed pressure to always have something fabulous to say and admit feeling disappointed when I either can't think of anything, or finish a posting that I'm not happy with or don't think is very good.  However, I feel a strong commitment to keep going and not give up.  There have been way too many things throughout my life that I haven't seen through or finished, and I'm bound and determined this venture won't be one of them.  Perhaps I'll start doing some fictional writing, like short stories or something like that and see if I have any knack for it.  Who knows?  It just may turn into a book that will fly off the shelves, or at least be popular on Amazon!  Maybe someone will even want to buy the movie rights and I'll get to participate in the casting process.  The only person I could ever think of to play me, John Candy, is already dead so I'll have to put some thought into that.  I doubt if Brad Pitt is interested in gaining a couple hundred pounds to do the role, but maybe Christian Bale might since he routinely alters his appearance for those choice parts!  Jared Leto might be an option as well, he's also proficient at transforming himself.  OK, so now I'm in fantasy land, but what better place to launch something fictional?

Alright, so on with getting back to reality for now.  The past three days have been somewhat challenging.  I've been seeing gradual improvement with my blood sugar control and the average is coming down little by little.  Thursday night I had a wonderful dinner with my great friend Melony at Longhorn to celebrate my birthday.  It must have been the pumpkin spice lava cake that made my sugar on the high side, which was kind of expected since I indulged like a bad boy given the occasion.  When I got home I checked and it was in the high 200's, so I administered the usual insulin dosage.  By bedtime three hours later it was down but still a little elevated.  I took my medications and did my normal nightly insulin and hit the hay.  It was a rough night tossing and turning and I just wasn't able to get to sleep.  Sleeping has been more troublesome lately in general, but something just didn't feel right so I got up.  Part of my self care and new sleeping regimen involves maintaining the same daily schedule, but not staying in bed if I can't sleep so my body begins to associate the bed with only sleep and not watching TV or any other activity.  I felt jittery and shaky and the general feeling of weirdness continued, so I thought I'd check my blood again just in case.  Sure enough it had plummeted down to 42 which is getting into the dangerously low category.  I'm still getting used to the new medication my endocrinologist started me on that supposedly makes insulin more effective, which it seems to be doing.  Luckily I had some orange juice in the fridge so I gulped that down and followed up with some saltine crackers and peanut butter.  After an hour or so everything seemingly returned to normal, but by that time it was after 3:00 a.m.  I went back to bed and didn't have much trouble falling asleep this time, but it threw me all off  all the next day.  I didn't end up waking until about noon and I felt wiped out.  After a bit of lunch I nodded back off curled up on the couch.  It felt like a totally wasted day which had previously been the norm for me but I have been working hard to break that unhealthy cycle.  As anticipated, this meant that I was destined for not being able to sleep last night either.  My neighbor noticed I was up so she stopped over since she was also wide awake and unable to sleep.  So we played some games and hung out for a while until we got tired enough to successfully retire.  Today and tomorrow I will be focusing on getting back on schedule again.

Being an insulin dependent diabetic brings with it a lot of frustration.  I'm horrible at sticking to any particular diet, which I know is the biggest contributor to the problem, but I have been trying to make at least some healthier choices here and there as well as working on portion control.  I'm a diet coke junkie but am making attempts to drink more water and at least switch to caffeine free soda.  It's more difficult than it sounds, but then again I've never been the most compliant person when it comes to taking care of myself in general.  I'm hopeful that as I learn to love and accept myself and boost my self esteem to higher levels, it will become easier to internalize and practice the importance of self care.  I think my overindulgent lifestyle, at least when it comes to food and cigarettes, stems from self destructive behavior, conscious or unconscious, because I haven't ever valued my life all that much. Apart from my recent, and thankfully unsuccessful suicide attempt, I don't think I've ever had the courage or nerve to actively seek death.  But I am also recognizing that eating to excess and smoking are ways that my subconscious acts on those thoughts in a more indirect way.  Not that I'm hoping and praying for a massive coronary or stage IV lung cancer, but not taking care of myself in those ways does certainly have destructive consequences.  Similarly, I know that if I can't or don't get my blood sugar under good control I will continue to have problems with neuropathy, vision and a whole host of additional negative outcomes.  Sometimes I wonder if it will take something horrific like losing a leg or developing diabetic retinopathy to finally get that wake up call to truly make the necessary lifestyle changes and curb the damage being done.  I guess that's a part of beginning to acknowledge and accept my worth and value as a person, which the intensive therapy I'm going through will hopefully bring!  I consciously know that if I don't do something I will surely continue to experience more and more severe and catastrophic health issues, but somehow my heart, soul and inner fortitude hasn't caught up.  I'm working so hard on getting to the point where the conscious and subconscious are in sync, but for now it's an ongoing struggle and the roller coaster ride continues. Hey, at least I pushed through my writer's block, progress that deserves a small amount of celebration!