You Know That Light at the End of the Tunnel?

When I restarted this blog I made a promise to myself, and subsequently to those who follow and read this, that I would be brutally honest and not hold back or pull any punches. So I hope that you stick with me as I mull over some of my darker thoughts that have surfaced today.  I honestly feel defeated, as hard as I'm trying not to, but it seems like just when I think I'm making progress by leaps and bounds something else comes along to knock me down.  I know this is the essence of life and everyone deals with these kinds of things, which makes me feel even more inadequate and frustrated with  myself.  I was honestly starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, as they say, and then something happened today that caused me to realize it's that oncoming train I've been so desperately trying to convince myself wasn't going to come barreling down the tracks before I was safely on the other side.  For the past five weeks I have steadily seen my depression and anxiety scores come slowly down, not withstanding a couple of speed bumps along the way.  There were slivers of evidence that the short term disability claim was finally progressing, although when I checked in, yet again, they tell me there is no update at all.  Two providers let me know that they were contacted for additional supporting information and they provided it as requested.  Of course this movement in the right direction seemed to be unduly delayed, given the third party administrator had all information in hand on August 30th but didn't process it and decide they needed an outside independent review until the third week in September, adding another possible three weeks to the process since that's the time frame they allow for the reviewers to complete it.  Still with absolutely no income or resources and having to rely solely on my close support system to keep my head above water with the necessities, it's hard to develop and maintain a positive outlook.  I'm trying diligently to utilize the tools I've learned so far to minimize the impact this has all had on my state of mind and overall well being, but at this point it's an uphill battle and the incline is increasing.

So what happened today that caused such a setback in the progress I've made?  Well it came down to an email from my health insurance that there was a new claim processed and the explanation of benefits was available to view.  As usual I logged in to double check everything, only to find that my benefits have completely changed.  My annual deductible and out of pocket maximum, which previously had been satisfied in full, has now more than doubled, causing all claims going forward to be processed and applied to the additional limits set.  Of course my immediate reaction was that something must be incorrect, so I called to see what was going on.  After some research done by the friendly service representative, I was informed that my employer submitted a change to my benefit plan moving me to a lower level of coverage.  The agent couldn't find any reason why this was done and understood my concern as to why a plan could be changed mid-period.  She offered to follow up with my human resources to investigate and get back to me.  Being unnerved by this revelation, I decided not to passively wait for their return call in several business days, so I reached out to my human resources department directly.  The gentleman I spoke with confirmed that they did indeed submit the change, and by the way also changed my dental insurance plan as well, but could not see why this was done.  Just like the health carrier, he advised me it would have to be investigated and someone would reach out to me within a week.  Between these new developments and my already growing lack of confidence and skepticism regarding the outcome of my short term disability claim, my depression and anxiety have skyrocketed in a matter of hours.  As try to settle my mind so I can sleep, the effort seems futile as I sit here and stew in my racing defeatist inner monologue, which prompted me to start writing.

I know full well in my conscious mind that I am catastrophizing and fortune telling, both of which are unhealthy and irrational.  But once again I can't get my head and my heart on the same page and that aching feeling of failure and looming disaster just keeps growing.  Of course I'm also jumping to conclusions and disqualifying the positive progress I've made heretofore.  My road map workbook is laying open in front of me, which provides confirmation that I'm pretty much experiencing the vast majority of thought distortions.  I'm even reading ahead because we haven't gotten to the tools that speak to dealing with something high on the catastrophe scale.  The events themselves, the ongoing and unresolved claim and the change in benefit plans, both fall at the top of the importance continuum which only feeds the justification for my growing feelings of despair and hopelessness.  I mean let's face it, not having any source of income currently, finding out my benefits have been drastically changed, and coming to the realization that the significant increase in my out of pocket expense limits translates to medical bills piling up with no way to pay them, all have a tendency to adversely effect my emotional state.  And to be frank, I've read some of the coping skills for when this happens and can't come up with any disputation that brings me any relief or peace of mind at this point.  I guess I will have a lot to share and rehash at Wednesday's group and hope they will be able to assist in talking me down off the ledge.

The occurrence of restless and sleepless nights is increasing in frequency, which I intend to discuss further with my doctor during my appointment tomorrow.  Perhaps my current meds can be tweaked or there is some other medication that might help.  But in the long run I am completely aware that everything can't simply be addressed through pharmacological means.  As nice as that might be, and as much as medicinal compounds can assist, the bulk of the burden rests with me and my newly acquired coping skills and mechanisms, along with continued intensive group and individual therapy. As much as I'm consciously aware of and attempting to utilize the skills and tools at my disposal, their efficacy remains low to moderate.  I'm hopeful they will begin to provide more significant assistance and relief of those horrible and defeating thoughts that keep bubbling up to the surface.  For now, it seems the resources that are supposedly there for my benefit have only provided obstacles and challenges that need to be overcome.  I'm holding on for dear life but I also must admit to myself that I am losing the battle and keep ending up at the end of that rope.  As negative and irrational as it may sound, I'm not sure how much more fight I have in me.  That light at the end of the tunnel I've been striving for and working toward has, indeed, shown itself to be another oncoming train with me squarely in its path.