While not specifically a holiday phenomenon, I think the third wheel syndrome that many of us single folks feel is magnified this time of year. In my previous posting I talked a lot about memories of Christmases past and mused about how our family has slowly drifted apart into sometimes completely separate existences since both of our parents have passed. All of that is certainly true, for better or worse, but I think there's a wholly unrelated feeling that tends to overwhelm me during the holidays. There are many times when being single really sucks, but when the festivities that surround Thanksgiving and Christmas ramp up, the reminders abound that I remain alone, at least in the relationship sense. Whether it's gathering together with family or spending time with friends, I can't help but notice that I'm one of the few terminally single folks in the mix. Don't misunderstand me, I can't express how much I love the people who have become my clan and I cherish them as my family and value them probably more than they will ever know! There's something different for us single folks, though, that sometimes just stares me in the face, even when I try not to let it get to me. I firmly believe that the old adage that says you can't pick your family is as untrue as it can be. Family, in the less literal sense, are those people who love and accept you unconditionally and stand staunchly by your side through anything and everything, good and bad. I have a truly awesome clan that has developed over the years and I feel incredibly blessed to have them all in my life and to feel accepted as part of their respective families. Yet it remains difficult not to be constantly reminded, even amidst both blood and adoptive family, that I'm the odd man out. Yes, there are a couple members of my clan that are also single and I can't speak on their behalf as to whether they experience these feelings as well. I can only surmise that they do, at least to a certain extent. Only speaking for myself I can't help but realize that, at the end of the day I return to my solo existence without that special connection that exists with a significant other, children or both. There is a certain loneliness that exists, even within the biggest of crowds and the most loving of immediate and extended families.
Yes, I know there's a certain aspect to this whole concept that involves feeling sorry for myself and I'm working on that. I realize and accept that I'm not defined by whether or not I have a special someone in my life, a significant other, a partner in crime, and I continue to at least make attempts to reaffirm that being single does not diminish my value or worth as a person. Yet there persists a feeling of jealousy and inadequacy that, for whatever reason, can't be shaken. I see the relationships and partnerships of others, the lives they have built together and/or the unique and unbreakable connection they have with each other and their children and can't help but wish that I could experience at least a part of that. Sometimes I feel like these emotions aren't truly understood except by those in the same boat, so to speak. Again, these feelings aren't exclusive to the holiday season, but are somehow magnified because of the extra focus on get-togethers and merriment. It's more apparent to me during these times that there's no one to snuggle up behind me and give me a nuzzle while I'm cooking, no one to reach out and hold my hand while watching a movie or just sitting and looking at the lights on the tree, no one that would always be at my side at the dinner table giving me that special glance every once in a while. It's not like I've totally given up on the possibility that maybe someday it might happen for me, but admittedly as I rapidly approach fifty it certainly seems less and less likely. I suppose if I still had the mind of a child I could conjure up an imaginary boyfriend like George Glass. Kudos to those who get that obscure reference!
I was chatting briefly with my sister a little while ago and we were talking about my last submission and the memories it brought back for her. When I told her I was composing this one about being a third wheel she replied that she hoped I'd come join them for Christmas breakfast and added "no third wheels here." I realized at that point that maybe this whole theme might hurt some feelings or make people think that they make me feel the way I do, or perhaps the third wheel reference was my way of saying that I didn't feel welcome. Nothing could be further from the truth. No one does anything to make me feel unwelcome or not part of things. That's not it at all. I feel very welcome and very much a part of the peoples' lives that make up my clan. I love them all so much and none of them bear any responsibility for my own feelings about how my life has turned out. The fact that I'm wanted at Sue's for Christmas breakfast means the world to me. There's no fault or blame involved when it comes to my feelings of loneliness and being alone even when I'm with an exceptional group of people. Perhaps it's my own fault for not simply pushing those feelings aside and reveling in the moment. I wish it were that easy. This will just have to be another challenge added to my list of things to work on, ridding myself of the thoughts about what could have been and enjoying to the fullest what is. It might be a more difficult issue to overcome, but along with everything else it'll just have to be tackled little by little. So hopefully no one takes what I've shared here personally in any way, especially since no one has contributed to or caused these emotions. Rather, take it for what it is, an introspective and cathartic exercise in working through and exorcising some of my inner demons that have haunted me over the years.
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