The Year That Almost Never Came... Trying to Turn the Page

This is the time of year that I get caught up in all the reflection on the year as it has now come to a close.  I can't help being drawn into all the programs on television that summarize everything that has happened over the course of the past twelve months, which leads me to examine my own life and what the year has brought my way.  I can't say it's been a great year in many respects, having been challenged pretty significantly with health issues that almost resulted in my own demise.  But there have been some bright spots along the way as well.  So here I sit, thinking about how last year unfolded and wondering where this new one will take me.  I'd like to report that everything is rosy and I have this wonderfully bright outlook on all that 2015 has in store, but I also have to admit that this past couple of weeks have been intensely challenging for me.  I guess there was a certain influence that naturally comes with the holidays for me.  In true form I ended up shying away from anything related to the festivities of the season and isolating myself from dealing with being social at all.  Obviously this included the avoidance of even my own desire and willingness to keep up with posting on here.  Yes, I know full well that this behavior doesn't necessarily help much, if at all, but it seems to be instinctual and something that, as hard as I might try, is just bound to happen.  I'm discovering there is no magic bullet to ease the pain and prevent deep depression from taking hold.  Medication really only goes so far, and I'm starting to think that therapy is merely mental masturbation that only provides temporary gratification and efficacy.  I truly thought that the intensive treatment program I went through led me to a place that I would be much more able to overcome these kinds of feelings and just be a happier and more fulfilled person, and for a time I really did feel better pretty consistently and felt recharged to forge ahead on a blissful and satisfying new path.  Unfortunately it pains me to admit that it just isn't that simple.

For those who are impacted by it, deeply intense and immobilizing depression is a demon that waits patiently in the shadows like a hungry wild animal whose spotted potential prey and is ready to pounce at the first opportunity.  I feel somewhat like a helpless field mouse wandering aimlessly through a field, partially and blissfully unaware of the danger that lurks so closely, and also with the constant feeling of being stalked and squarely in the cross hairs.  So far I have been able to survive, in part by camouflage and the company of protectors, and sometimes simply by running like hell when that threatening feeling overwhelms me.  People keep telling me that it starts with small steps and that I should focus on one thing at a time.  That sounds like solid advice and I'm making attempts at doing so, but I can't help feeling a bit like that little boy holding back the ocean with his thumb in the dyke.  The pressure of all that water seems to produce new leaks that need attention without regard to the one I'm focused on plugging.  As much as it doesn't help to think about the big picture of all that water just waiting to overwhelm and sweep me away, its constant presence can't be totally ignored and ends up putting me in a state of panic and despair.  The fight to not feel completely inundated and hopeless is more challenging than I ever could have imagined, or at least admitted to.  Advice and encouragement from professionals, family and friends alike,while greatly appreciated, just hasn't been enough to propel me toward successfully managing and overcoming my internal and seemingly ever-present cloud of darkness.  Yes, there are good days, and yes, there are bright spots.  First and foremost among them is the love and support that I'm wholly aware of emanating from those who so closely surround me and try to bolster my strength and resolve.  I even have a job that I love and great people with whom I have the privilege of working.  You'd think that these two things alone would be enough to give me the strength and motivation needed to transform, and for the life of me I cannot figure out or understand why they aren't.

Sometimes I think this battle is destined to be one I'll struggle with all of my life.  As much as I want and hope to win the battle, or at least establish a lasting armistice, the war seems to rage on with no ultimate end in sight.  I can't help but think of Robin Williams and his struggles.  You'd think that such a successful and talented person would have all that is needed to defeat the demons that apparently haunted him, but they were ultimately victorious in the final analysis.  I often wonder to myself if I will eventually meet the same fate at some point.  I can honestly say that I relate so much with his story and often feel like people who haven't experienced this kind of struggle simply can't understand how or why someone who has so much going for them could be so incredibly mired down in that ubiquitous fight against the demons within.  As for me, I'm trying so desperately to turn the page and begin anew for 2015.  I'm realizing that there aren't any real or concrete answers, as simple as they may sound on the surface, and it will be somewhat like swimming upstream against the constant current fighting against any measurable progress.  I just have to keep trying, keep working as hard as I can, and keep battling the forces that draw me toward that dark and deserted place.  I have to accept that I may have to read the page numerous times before I can successfully turn to the next.  It might take time on the virtual treadmill or mouse wheel, running as hard as I can without getting anyplace, before I can finally step off, turn the page, and make whatever progress I can to the best of my abilities.  The story goes on and the only way to find out where it leads is to keep reading and trying to comprehend, however slowly or sluggishly success might come.