In group we have been talking a lot about mindfulness and being in the moment. As part of these discussions we have been practicing various forms of meditation that focus on letting go of thoughts about the past or worries about the future and being fully present and aware. What an incredible message this is. Now it may seem obvious to say that we cannot change the past, which is true, and worrying about the future doesn't do much good, which is also very true, but I've come to understand just how difficult it is to put this concept into practice. During meditations it really becomes clear how I can focus on what I'm feeling, imagining the relaxing light course through my muscles one by one and feeling the tension drift away. What has been quite surprising for me is that this kind of mindfulness applies to every aspect of my daily life. It is so important to be in the moment and have the ability to recognize feelings and thoughts as they occur rather than trying to interpret what might be around the bend or all that has transpired heretofore. Focusing on the here and now and truly being present is an invaluable skill, especially when it comes to relationships. I have learned over the past few months that dwelling on the past can lead to falling deeper into the grips of deep depression and isolation. While I think it can be a great thing to glean lessons from what has happened and has come out of various life events, some of which have been horrifically traumatic, constantly focusing on the actual events themselves only serves to tear away any semblance of self esteem and feeling of self worth. Ultimately, what happened cannot be changed and time is better spent focusing on the lessons learned from them, how to move forward and recognize the influence of past circumstances on who I am as a person now, and trying not to repeat mistakes that have been made. You see, doing this places all of the importance on now, this moment in time that is currently happening, rather than assuming that demons from the past are the only indicator of what this moment has to offer.
Similarly, too much attention and worry spent on the future serves little purpose either. Now don't misunderstand me, there is most definitely value in planning for the future and having goals and objectives to work toward. This isn't what I'm talking about. The type of fretting I mean has to do with some of those unhealthy thought distortions such as fortune telling and overgeneralizing. Thinking that mistakes from the past, for example, are bound to be repeated, or that job you really want isn't going to work out because you just aren't good enough, these are the destructive ways the future can be obsessed over. The self fulfilling prophecy of failure can devastate any chances for bright and positive years to come! It's a tough fight, though, I have to admit. It is exceptionally difficult not to worry somewhat about the future given my current circumstance. I have to try to balance working toward the objective without catastrophizing and convincing myself that I'm doomed to be unemployed. My rational self knows that not to be true and that the right opportunity will present itself. I must have faith in my higher power that things will work out as they are supposed to and not feel that sense of looming failure getting the better of me. I'm realizing, also, that it takes a lot of energy to mull over and relive the past, as well as fret and stress over the future. This is energy that could be much more healthy to direct toward being present and appreciating the moment that is rather than what was or might be. When I'm so intensely focused on the negatives, I'm not able to truly appreciate the positives. Tonight was a night that I was able to, for the most part, enjoy the moment and have some fun. I spent it with Julie and we went to her church for one of their monthly suppers. This one was a Mexican and Persian dinner, and everything was so delicious. The hummus was to die for and the empanadas were very tasty. There was lentil soup as well, and the dessert table featured cookies, coconut spice cake and baklava, which required a second helping. The people at St. Stephen's have always been very warm and welcoming when I have visited there and it was a really nice evening of food and fellowship. I could have spent the evening cooped up in my condo worrying about the next few weeks and how I'll get by, but I made a conscious effort to rise above it and just be present with one of my best friends.
Being mindful is a skill that I'm working on developing more, and is one of the core concepts in my group curriculum. The meditations we've done have certainly been effective for me in the group setting when someone is leading them. I haven't yet developed the discipline of simply clearing my mind and being able to focus on relaxation and inner peace. My mind wanders too much and I end up with racing thoughts that distract me, usually leading to either rehashing the past or worrying about future events. I found a method that I think I can work with at home. There are any number of Rosary apps available for Android phones. Being an Episcopalian with Anglo-Catholic leanings, the Rosary has always been fascinating for me and a good way to center myself, contemplate and meditate, all while connecting to God in my own way through prayer. I'm not really good at memorization and can never keep the various sets of mysteries straight, so an app on my phone that takes me through the process through the spoken word helps me to maintain focus and open myself up to a deeper conversation with my higher power. Actually holding one of my favorite Rosaries also gives my hands something to do that satisfies the tactile senses. I thought this would be an ideal meditation for me, while at the same time strengthening my faith and understanding of God and Christianity. I think the Rosary is one of the most perfect prayers since the various sets of mysteries really tell the entire story of Jesus' life, death and resurrection. I view it as not only a meditation, but also as a tool to embrace and internalize the good news that I already consciously believe. I think my lack of participation at any one particular church leaves me feeling like I'm not nurturing my spiritual side, and this is one of the best ways I can do so while also practicing being present and meditating. I know it's not for everyone, even for a lot of Christians who aren't into all the ritual involved in the more traditional churches, but it has meaning for me so I suppose that's what is most important. I can't help but also feel like this is a great way to turn things over to God and let Him lead me in the way I should go, which also helps me to worry less about things and accept that He's in control. It truly is very nice to be literally in the moment and just appreciate the here and now, so I hope to get better at doing so more and more frequently. As with everything else, it remains a work in progress.
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