Continuing to Live

As part of my current treatment I attend an intensive outpatient group Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  This forces me to get up early in the morning, shower and get cleaned up so I'm ready to be picked up by the courtesy van.  I'm finding, though, that on my days off and on weekends I'm falling back into the pattern of isolation and inactivity, which isn't good.  I guess the fact that I'm getting out and about three days a week is progress and I should celebrate that, but I find that it's so easy to curl up on the couch and not deal with the outside world when I don't absolutely have to.  This living thing is hard!  I can't get out every day and I don't feel like I need to do that, but I do need to work on getting out more.  I made a good start on Thursday, going to a doctor's appointment and then having a lunch out with my friend Jackie, so there's some additional progress.  We're even talking about maybe going to see a movie next week sometime which would be a huge step for me.  Movie theaters scare me to death and I haven't been to one in probably ten years or more.  I'm not sure where my discomfort comes from; the hot buttered popcorn alone is worth the trip!  We'll see how I do.  I don't even know of any current movies that are good or that I want to see so it might be a crap shoot.  It's also not like I don't have things that need done around the apartment.  I'm still living amongst boxes stacked on boxes that are in desperate need of unpacking, but it's still just too overwhelming for me so I remain paralyzed when it comes to getting it done.  What I need is a personal organizer to come in and crack the whip!  When I'm home I lose all motivation to do anything and find the tentacles of the sofa have too tight a grip on me.  

I still struggle with feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and am trying to work on that.  I take comfort in the Juliette Lewis quote I found illustrated in the photo.  I do feel brave when I clean myself up and get out into the world, even though it frightens me much of the time.  I just wish it wasn't so difficult to make the necessary changes in my life that will bring me out of this funk.  Living is hard when you want to die and make everything go away.  No, I'm not suicidal so please don't send the police over to do a safety check.  But you don't have to be suicidal to not want to wake up in the morning.  Passive thoughts of suicidal ideation are more common than you might think!  Writing seems to be my only outlet when I'm home right now, so at least I have something that makes me a little bit happy.  I enjoy spending time with friends and family so I'm attempting to do that as often as I can, but I admit that much of the time I'm most comfortable curled up at home in my little cocoon.  I did have a good visit with the doctor Thursday although my hemoglobin a1c is high at 9.5, up from the last result of 7.5; it's supposed to be under 7.  He therefore doubled my dosage of Farxiga which means I'll be peeing even more than I already have been.  Farxiga acts by eliminating some of the sugar from the bloodstream and passing it through urination.  The 5 milligrams I was taking have been making me pee about every hour it seems.  We'll see what 10 milligrams will bring.  At least I'm having a close intimate relationship with my toilet!  So with these things I'm making an effort to live and not want to die.  I have to convince myself that dying isn't a viable option.  I'm taking my medications religiously and feeling some moderate effects from the changes made in the hospital.  I suppose maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself to be instantly well.  One thing I'm learning is that living with depression and anxiety is a daily struggle.  Some days are better than others and some days feel like a total failure, but I have to keep going, keep fighting, keep living!