Google defines ruminating as thinking deeply about something. In psychological terms, Wikipedia further defines rumination as the focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions. For me it means that vicious circle of negative thoughts that reinforce the feelings of depression and anxiety. My little friend to the left says it best, I think too much and then put myself, or keep myself, in a bad mood (thanks to my cousin Ruth for the image!). There is no counteracting positive or self-affirming thought to break the cycle, rather just a spiraling downward into a deep sense of dread and funk. It's the ultimate self-fulfilling prophecy for the depressed and anxious person like myself. So how is the cycle broken? What coping skills are most effective against rumination? In a previous posting I talked a little bit about automatic negative thoughts or ANTs, and challenging them using the three C's of catch it, check it and change it. I've tried to put this into practice but I'm having trouble with all three steps. I don't always catch the thought, since usually the thought is ever present rather than just popping into my head. Checking it doesn't always work because when I question the validity of the thought or feeling I convince myself that it is valid even when I know that's not the right answer. Finally, changing the thought is probably the hardest of all. When you have beliefs about yourself that are so deeply ingrained change doesn't come easily. Just as an example, I grew up being told by society and even by some family that being gay was wrong, that I was a bad person because of it, that I was going to hell for it. I've been physically assaulted numerous times because of being gay, once outside a gay club walking to my car. Yes, times have changed and society has progressed, but those early formative experiences are permanently etched in my being and cause me to question my worth as a human every day. Those feelings of worthlessness don't just go away; they don't simply disappear with the wave of a magic wand. I'm starting to learn that coping skills don't equate to a magic wand at all, but rather take a lot of time and effort in order to begin having an impact.
Today in group we talked about a more detailed method of using distraction by employing the ACCEPTS model: Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, Emotions, Pushing away, Thoughts, and Sensations (Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, Marsha M. Linehan, Copyright 2015). These represent ways to distract from negative or destructive thoughts and emotions. Activities involve doing something and could be as simple as watching TV or calling/texting a friend. Contributing could involve donating something to the needy or volunteering. Comparison is done by comparing yourself to those who are less fortunate or even to who you used to be when you were doing worse. Emotions refers to creating different ones by watching a funny movie or doing something that makes you laugh. Pushing away has to do with compartmentalizing negative situations or emotions and creating a wall or box that puts it away for a while until you are ready to deal with it. Similarly, replacing Thoughts by reading, doing puzzles or coloring for example. Sensations include using your senses as a mode of distraction, like taking a shower, listening to music or squeezing a stress ball. Distraction isn't a cure by itself though; it only postpones temporarily dealing with the underlying situation, thought, emotion or feeling. I think one of my problems is that I've become and expert at distraction without doing the work needed to deal with the emotions and feelings of depression and anxiety and what causes them. I'm stuck at square one and I just keep pushing the thoughts and feelings aside without ever going back to and working through them. I've also found that distraction is merely a quick fix and doesn't last very long and I revert back to ruminating about the things that keep me in a depressed and anxious state. I have to make more of a conscious effort to take one piece at a time and begin the steps to understand why I feel the way I do and how I can start to change my perception in order to have some of my traumatic experience impact how I feel today. I need to remember that I'm not the same person I was when those things happened to me and put them in a greater perspective of my life as a whole. It's not going to be easy as I have what seems like a mountain of crap to sift through, but I must remember that I don't have to deal with it all at once. Step by step and little by little I can begin to chip away at it. Matthew 17:20 says that with faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains. I pray God will give me that faith so I can begin to minimize the rumination and start to move that mountain!
Today in group we talked about a more detailed method of using distraction by employing the ACCEPTS model: Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, Emotions, Pushing away, Thoughts, and Sensations (Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, Marsha M. Linehan, Copyright 2015). These represent ways to distract from negative or destructive thoughts and emotions. Activities involve doing something and could be as simple as watching TV or calling/texting a friend. Contributing could involve donating something to the needy or volunteering. Comparison is done by comparing yourself to those who are less fortunate or even to who you used to be when you were doing worse. Emotions refers to creating different ones by watching a funny movie or doing something that makes you laugh. Pushing away has to do with compartmentalizing negative situations or emotions and creating a wall or box that puts it away for a while until you are ready to deal with it. Similarly, replacing Thoughts by reading, doing puzzles or coloring for example. Sensations include using your senses as a mode of distraction, like taking a shower, listening to music or squeezing a stress ball. Distraction isn't a cure by itself though; it only postpones temporarily dealing with the underlying situation, thought, emotion or feeling. I think one of my problems is that I've become and expert at distraction without doing the work needed to deal with the emotions and feelings of depression and anxiety and what causes them. I'm stuck at square one and I just keep pushing the thoughts and feelings aside without ever going back to and working through them. I've also found that distraction is merely a quick fix and doesn't last very long and I revert back to ruminating about the things that keep me in a depressed and anxious state. I have to make more of a conscious effort to take one piece at a time and begin the steps to understand why I feel the way I do and how I can start to change my perception in order to have some of my traumatic experience impact how I feel today. I need to remember that I'm not the same person I was when those things happened to me and put them in a greater perspective of my life as a whole. It's not going to be easy as I have what seems like a mountain of crap to sift through, but I must remember that I don't have to deal with it all at once. Step by step and little by little I can begin to chip away at it. Matthew 17:20 says that with faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains. I pray God will give me that faith so I can begin to minimize the rumination and start to move that mountain!
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