Sleep isn't coming easy to me these days. I'm finding myself awake at all hours of the day and night and not sleeping more than a few hours at a time. No doubt this is a result of thinking too much about things and not being able to turn my brain off. I've tried to maintain a somewhat regular schedule but it's just not working. Being up during the day and sleeping at night are becoming more and more difficult, as is finding things to keep my mind occupied with when I can't sleep. I've binged watched every episode of ER twice and am on my third cycle. Similarly I can recite just about every line from the Golden Girls and Frasier (a big thank you to Lifetime for these gems airing in the wee hours of the morning on a daily basis). I try to keep an eye on the news but I just find that totally depressing. I admit I'm still coming to terms with the fact that we have a total buffoon in the White House. My apologies to my conservative and/or Republican friends but I just cannot stand the man and feel that he's a complete embarrassment to our country both at home and abroad. But enough about politics, it just depresses me even more. I've given reading a try as well. I finished a great book called Torn by Justin Lee about a young guy who comes to terms with being a gay Christian. I'm following it up with another book by Matthew Vines called God and the Gay Christian but I haven't been able to really pick it up and start reading it yet. I guess I just have too much on my mind that prevents me from focusing as much as I'd need to. I finished Torn prior to my catheterization and to be honest I went into that experience with different expectations than I have now. The worst case scenario I had in my head at the time was that the cardiologist might place stents if needed; though I guess I always sort of knew heart surgery was a possibility but I just wasn't prepared for that outcome and recommendation. I find myself continuing to seek out sources of information about heart surgery including instructional videos, personal experiences, testimonials and articles. For some reason this provides a certain amount of comfort for me and I feel like, if I do end up having open heart bypass surgery, I'll be as well informed as I can possibly be. Maybe it's a bit obsessive but I feel like the more I know the easier it will be to get through. Apart from mindless television and perusing Facebook postings, this seems to be the only thing I can truly focus on.
I think about writing a lot but often can't come up with anything to write about other than what I'm going through at the moment and I worry that my postings will come across as repetitive ramblings rather than meaningful and hopefully entertaining submissions. Sitting down at the laptop and pouring out my thoughts and feelings is certainly cathartic and therapeutic for me. I've even been told on numerous occasions that I should write a book, though my problem again is not having a clue what to write about. A book seems rather daunting and I know I have no interest in fiction. The odds of me being the next Anne Rice or JK Rowling are slim to none. I think my only hope of any kind of book would be continuing to write here and maybe someday putting together a collection of postings that have some type of cohesive and unifying content. Who knows? I did notice the other day that my blog is approaching 24,000 views so I guess someone somewhere out there is finding what I have to say interesting enough to keep reading. About the only other thing that occupies my time is participating in a number of chat groups on KIK messenger. I belong to a couple gay Christian groups as well as support groups for depression, anxiety and diabetes. I've actually made a few online friends that I communicate regularly with from around the world. One in particular that I've enjoyed getting to know is a guy from Brazil and we usually end up chatting every day at least once if not more often. It's interesting connecting with people from other places and getting their perspectives and viewpoints on various things and I do find that to be very enjoyable. Whether I'm writing or chatting online I find I'm listening more and more to music I have on my phone. I have a trusty headset that I put on and I start sifting through my vast collection of mp3 files I've collected over the years. I have such an eclectic mix of stuff and can normally find something to fit just about any mood. Lately for some reason I've been gravitating toward the sixties and have been listening to the Mamas and Papas quite a bit, channeling my inner Mama Cass. Looking back to my performing days I really wish I would have done a lot more of her music. That really could have been my niche. While so many others were impersonating the likes of Madonna, Cher, Marilyn and so many of the other gay icons, I could have been doing Cass Elliot in character. I think I could have genuinely done her justice. Well it's approaching 5:30 am here and I've made it through another sleepless night. I suppose I should try to get some rest. I only have to wait one more day before seeing the surgeon and finding out a lot more about what my journey is going to look like. I've got a list of some questions to ask and have all the new patient paperwork downloaded so I can fill everything out in advance. Julie is taking me and will be with me while I meet with the doctor. She'll be my second pair of eyes and ears to assure I don't miss anything important. I'm assuming my next posting will be about the visit, what his recommendations are and what decisions I have to make. More to come as they say!
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