Well that was a crisis averted. My sister escorted me to the ER at John C. Lincoln yesterday and as hesitant as I was it turned out to be a very efficient visit. There was no one waiting and I got seen literally immediately. I was ushered back to an exam room and the doctor was in to see me in less that five minutes. After a brief and somewhat painful exam of my knee he decided an MRI was in order. Now I worked for years at local diagnostic imaging facilities so you'd think I wouldn't have been such a baby about the whole thing. The doctor suggested IV sedation but then changed his mind once it was determined my head and upper torso would be outside of the machine, which actually made me feel somewhat better. That is until I actually got into the room and put into the machine. I have no idea why, other than the uneasiness of laying flat which I've never liked, but I went into a full blown panic attack complete with cold sweats, visible trembling and hyperventilation. I know I know, I was being a drama queen and fully embrace that. After the doctor reconsidered the need for sedation the nurse quickly administered the joy juice and the MRI proceeded without incident. It was decided that there was absolutely no involvement within the joint and the inflammation was most likely caused by cellulitis similar to what I had experienced in other locations. This time, though, it was much more painful simply because it occurred right over the knee cap. I was prescribed a ten day course of antibiotics, surprise surprise, and sent home with instructions to apply moist heat and use ibuprofen for pain and inflammation. Would I have preferred some good old pain pills like Vicodin or Percacet? You betcha! But I guess they don't give those out as freely as they used to unless a limb is dangling by a single blood vessel and even then, maybe! Surprisingly the heat applications and ibuprofen are helping more than I thought they would so it's all good. I'm still hobbling around and it's painful to walk but I am definitely seeing improvement. All those thoughts of having a giant needle inserted into my knee or maybe needing a total knee replacement were all just paranoia on my part and I definitely feel like I dodged a bullet.
With the knee issues being treated successfully I find myself now thinking a lot about my journey ahead with tomorrow morning being my first Intensive Outpatient Program session. I got used to group therapy while I was inpatient but this will be my first experience with ongoing group therapy lasting five weeks. I envision myself being pretty quiet and just taking it all in on day one, though I'll probably be encouraged to participate more. I'm a little anxious about what the group will be like and it will be an adjustment getting to know and becoming comfortable with the other participants. I'm sure there will be at least one person I will connect with, if not more, which I'm told by many people is one of my natural talents. I guess I never really recognized it as a true talent other than at work where making that emotional connection with customers is the highest priority. I suppose it stands to reason that it's just a part of my personality rather than something I "put on" when I'm at work. Now I can add something else to my positive self-talk in my working toward a more healthy level of self esteem. A few weeks ago I couldn't have come up with much of anything to put on that list. I was too far gone down that path of negativity and self-loathing. Hindsight, of course, is 20/20 and I can see now that when you get to the end of that rope and are so far down in the pit of worthlessness it is almost impossible to be rational and push those self-destructive thoughts, feelings and emotions aside and replace them with the positives. Thank God and the pharmaceutical industry for getting me to a much better place where I am able to work on those old wounds and deal with them so they don't keep dragging me back to that destination of hopelessness and despair.
I can't express just how much I have found writing to be so therapeutic and enjoyable for me and I am so appreciative of those who read what I have to say, be it good or bad. I can't believe I'm approaching 1,000 page views on here which indicates people must be reading the ongoing postings I add. The automatic posting to Facebook encourages more readers for sure, but I'm also getting hits from Google+ and yet more from those who sign up for email alerts whenever there is a new posting. It means a lot to me that I'm not just blindly sending all of this into the void of cyberspace oblivion. From what I've learned about blogs I understand they take some time to catch on and get disseminated to a larger audience. Page views and comments left are truly a huge motivating factor for me to keep going. Maybe one day when I have a much larger body of writing I'll take the advice of a few friends who have told me I should right my memoirs. Perhaps that's a lofty and grandiose idea, especially since I've never considered my life or thoughts to be all that interesting or compelling. I do hope, however, that whatever I share here in an open and honest way not holding anything back will be a source of help or comfort to someone out there who might be going through similar experiences. I know that group therapy will include homework and delving into various thoughts and emotions so I will most likely work through those things here. Hopefully people will remain interested and share my blog with someone they think might gain some benefit. Only time will tell if this collection of musings will gain any traction I suppose. Many thanks to those who do follow me on here and I welcome feedback, good or bad as long as it's constructive, so please don't hesitate to add a comment if you find something that's meaning for you. My new therapeutic journey begins and I'm glad I'm not alone on the path to a better and more positive self image.
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