Whether we realize it or not, self talk is a big factor in how we feel about ourselves, self esteem, a particular circumstance or our lives in general. For myself, I have found that much of my depression and anxiety stems from that internal dialogue that can go pretty much unchecked. My internal script heretofore includes almost all negative or destructive thoughts that I am now beginning to discern and deal with through intensive outpatient therapy which began for me today. The group gave me a very warm welcome and I am feeling very positive about what I will gain from my participation. Not that it will be easy, in fact I think there will be times it will be exceptionally difficult when it comes to identifying and admitting to some of the deep thoughts and beliefs that contribute to my self image, which I am the first to acknowledge is practically non-existent most of the time. I think we all have those inner voices that tell us things about ourselves and it is up to each one of us to analyze them and either choose to accept what we hear or to reject and fight to overcome them. For those who's inner monologue provides them with self assuredness, self confidence and a strong and healthy self esteem I applaud you! I hope to get to a point that I will experience even a portion of that inner love so that I can begin building a much more positive sense of self. For me, and where I am at this moment, I lack seemingly any modicum of self talk that helps me to feel good about myself. As hard as that is to admit, I have to put it out there so I can begin to change it.
It occurred to me today, as I logged on and began checking my Facebook feed once I returned home, that the news feed mimics my inner script that keeps repeating itself. I'm not sure if it's a recent development or update, but I've noticed that postings that include video just automatically start playing without any prompt from me, whether I'm interested or not in what the particular post is about. It's almost like Facebook has decided I want to play any video that was placed in my news feed and just proceeds on that assumption. I am able to stop them but it takes action on my part in order to do so. It was ;pretty easy for me to realize what was happening and recognizing what actions I needed to take to make it stop and take back control. I thought to myself how much better the feed would be if I was able to decide what videos to play, if any, and when. It was at this point that it hit me. My inner negative and destructive monologue acts just like Facebook and plays the thoughts and feelings automatically without any input or approval from me. I wish it was as easy to turn off those thoughts as it is to stop the Facebook videos. Unfortunately, it's going to take more than the click of a mouse. Squelching those negative and self defeating emotions is going to take a great deal of practice in order for it to become easier as time goes on. It's a difficult process trying to get to that point and I'm sure there will be a period of "fake it until you make it". I've started to attempt internalizing positive and self assuring thoughts but unfortunately my inner self isn't believing them quite yet. I have to keep working toward those affirmations taking root and becoming a part of who I am, or rather who I want to be.
As I mentioned in a previous posting I have been working through a program called The Road Map To Peace Of Mind which was developed by doctors at Banner Health. As a whole it's a pretty exceptional tool and I was glad to find out that the outpatient group uses this program as well. One of the realizations I came to while in the hospital was that one of the biggest ways I've dealt with feelings and emotions falls under what the Road Map refers to as Pressure Cookers. I display almost every aspect attributed to this label. I avoid conflicts, lack assertiveness, suppress feelings, smile when I'm upset, and distract myself from or ignore problem areas. The one Pressure Cooker trait that ultimately tops all the rest with me is comfort eating. I definitely look to food to fill an emotional void and often eat when I'm not really hungry simply because it feels good, well at least in the short term. A lifetime of this behavior is padding every part of my physical body. It's amazing how you can consciously know full well that something is bad for you and yet you can have very little if any control over it. Smoking falls into this category as well but I'm not going to start down that path right now. Wouldn't it be awesome if we could just click a mouse to put a stop to that inner video that just starts playing on its own? So here I am, taking my first step toward learning how to activate those proverbial clicks of the mouse and take back control of that negative inner self-talk. I have to assert my will to not allow those annoying clips to run unchecked and unchallenged. Just like on Facebook, taking control of what I internalize and chose to believe will likely be annoying at first, to say the least, but my hope is with practice it will become more of a reflex than a perceivable annoyance. I must seize control and gain the power to define my self image in a much more positive and healthy way. For what it's worth I think I'm off to a good start.
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