I spent today pondering the course of my life and the direction I want it to go from here. As I think back over the years I add up all of the things I started but never finished. I'm realizing that on paper my life looks like one failure after another which is a little bit defeating now that I'm rapidly approaching the half century mark. It seems to me that I've kind of dabbled in many things but never really accomplished any of them. People say you should do what you are passionate about but in hindsight my passions have been somewhat fleeting. Over and over I would get excited about something and immerse myself in planning and starting various interests but always found a reason or was in a circumstance that prevented me from charging ahead and actually being good at something ... anything! It is painful to see all of the disappointments my parents and family must have had with each of my fleeting attempts yielding no results. I guess I took it to heart when Dad told me I'd never amount to anything when I was younger. Unfortunately he never lived to see what successes I did eventually have, even though they weren't to last for long. I know Mom had faith in me and always wanted me to succeed and be happy, and she did witness a small measure of that, but nothing that would equate to a truly successful career or happy life. The more I dig through the baggage I've been carrying I find that I still bear the scars of feeling I was a huge disappointment to my parents and an ongoing source of concern and worry for Mom.
My first experience with college lasted exactly one semester. I went to Trinity Christian College in suburban Chicago. Having never been outside of small town Ohio I think it was a bit overwhelming to dive into such an urban environment not really knowing what to expect. I was completely unprepared for what it was going to be like. Just like high school, both public at West Holmes and private at Central Christian, I simply didn't fit in to any group. I was still struggling with understanding my sexual orientation and much of the time felt like a complete outcast from nearly every group or subculture. I knew absolutely no one and making friends was a challenge for me to say the least. When I was at Central Christian I didn't fit in because I wasn't part of the Mennonite faith or culture and wasn't really accepted, though it was a much safer environment than West Holmes had been. I basically couldn't return to public school and survive with any sense of self worth or acceptance, at least that's how I perceived it. Trinity was run by the Dutch Reformed church and my experience was very much the same there since almost everyone came from that tradition and already had built in friendships and relationships. I didn't find the motivation to apply myself academically and ended up not going to classes as the semester wore on. I ended up failing dropping out and going back home to start over, at what I wasn't sure at all but there had to be something that would hold my interest that I might be passionate about.
I explored my artistic side, every gay man has one you know! I had filled numerous sketchbooks with drawings of fashion designs. I had no experience sewing or constructing clothing at all but I loved illustrating, especially wedding fashions. In exploring the possibilities I submitted a portfolio and application to Virginia Marti School of Fashion Design in Cleveland and was accepted. When the time drew near I changed my mind and didn't end up going. Another avenue unexplored and not pursued! I ended up taking some classes at Wooster Business College and actually did pretty well and found it very interesting. Unfortunately it was later determined that the school was not accredited and any work I had done there was pretty much meaningless if I wanted to further my education and go on for any type of degree. More time wasted with nothing to show for it. It was becoming obvious that anything I set out to do ended in failure and I became very discouraged. What was it going to take for me to find my passion in life. Maybe I wouldn't ever discover it and would have to settle for what will get me by and pays the bills. Unlike many people I have just never had that inner drive that told me what I wanted to do or be, which I think makes it much more difficult to discern where I fit in and what I excel at doing.
My next endeavor involved enrolling in and pursuing a two year degree in nursing at Walsh College, now Walsh University, in North Canton. This was the first thing that held my attention and focus for a longer period of time and I enjoyed it and made passing grades, though I did struggle academically for them. It was during my second year that Dad became ill again and subsequently passed away from congestive heart failure secondary to diabetes and liver carcinoma. While my relationship with Dad was never at the level my older brothers enjoyed and I know I was a source of disappointment for him, it was still a difficult time for me. It wasn't long after that Mom was diagnosed once again with cancer and had to endure surgery and follow-up radiation therapy. I put school on hold during this time to spend time with Mom and when the time came for me to consider returning I had lost all interest in clinical nursing. I'm not sure if it was because of the experiences with Dad and Mom but the desire just wasn't there anymore and, yet again, didn't complete what I had started. The pattern continues!
Medical Assisting was my next attempt at finding just the right niche. I was attracted to that program of study because it combined the clinical aspects of healthcare with the business side as well. I excelled at my studies and, because of my nursing school background, was even able to help other students along that were having difficulty. I completed the diploma program with a 4.0 GPA which gave me a bit of a self esteem boost and I was hired in short order after graduation by a company that processed prescription claims electronically for pharmacies and insurance plans. This was my first endeavor into the business side of the healthcare industry and I really enjoyed it. After a year there one of my managers left to take a management job with MetLife Healthcare Network and recruited me to join her team there where I provided member and provider services and dealt with the grievance process. I learned a lot during my two year tenure there but was then offered a job at Aetna for their utilization management team working with Pepsico subscribers which included not only Pepsi but also Frito Lay, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut and KFC. I was the only non-licensed member of the team but was welcomed with open arms. With coming changes and downsizing on the horizon I left Aetna and began working for Progressive Insurance. It was there that I was offered the opportunity for a position in the Seattle area and was relocated. I'll save all my gushing about how much I loved Seattle for another time, but needless to say I did really enjoy my time there.
Once I had some family relocate to the Phoenix area I was able to take another position within Progressive that allowed me to be close to Mom since she came along for the ride. I wanted to have as much time with her as possible and have no regrets about making the move even though I, to this day, am not a fan of Phoenix, the heat or the desert landscape. It wasn't long after I arrived in the desert that I was recruited by another insurance company, part of General Electric at the time but was taken over by AIG, and I seemed to really thrive there. In my seven years with the company I had moved up to a management position and enjoyed all of the various responsibilities and roles that I had there. Anyone even remotely aware of the implosion of AIG just prior to the overall economic meltdown remembers what a hit it was to the company. Unfortunately I was in the first round of layoffs that included thousands of people worldwide. Due to the state of the economy at large I was unable to find employment at the same or approximate level that I was used to and couldn't even locate any opportunities in the same field. My spirit was broken once again and I ended up working at a local radiology provider doing scheduling for just a smidgen above minimum wage. I had lost my apartment and ended up staying with relatives, much to their chagrin after a while. It took several years for me to get back on my feet again only to go through the same thing a mere few years later due to budget cuts and loss of a major health carrier contract, so back on the market I went once again!
I finally landed an entry level position with American Express and have done well over the past few years moving my way up a little bit at a time. I very much enjoy my current position working with companies that use American Express for their corporate card needs. It is challenging but I seem to do it well and get very positive feedback. The only really negative aspect that I can point to for the past three years has involved my health issues. I've had two periods of extended leave due hospital stays and aftercare relating to complications from uncontrolled diabetes, and then the most recent saga of my incapacitating gastrointestinal issues, which brings me to where I am now. While there are so many contributing factors to my depression and recent suicide attempt and inpatient stay, I'd have to say that the lack of finding answers and/or an effective treatment along with having to be off work without pay pushed me over the edge that I had been balancing on for years. Now that I've begun the difficult work to heal past and present emotional scars and deal with the multitude of contributing factors including physical health issues, I feel like I'm starting back at square one. While I know that American Express has been and continues to be supportive and understanding, I can't help but feel that these episodes I've experienced the past couple of years have somehow tainted my reputation as a good employee and I often think there is a little black cloud that follows me everywhere, at least in some peoples' minds.
I am fully aware that coworkers and peers may read this or find out the details of what I've been through, but I continue forging ahead with my writing in hopes that it will not only be therapeutic and beneficial for me but might also provide some help and guidance to someone else that may be experiencing the same kinds of issues in their own lives. I feel strongly that I cannot sweep what I have been and continue to go through under the rug somewhere and simply not talk about it. That only fosters continued misconceptions about mental health and increases the likelihood that the stigma attached will not be broken. Call it what you will ... self serving mental floss, bravery, ignorance, stupidity, or any other adjective that might fit. I'm just going to continue to be me and share my story as I move forward in digging through, analyzing, reprogramming, accepting, changing, and ultimately healing those deep dark unhealed wounds that have continued to haunt me in one form or another, consciously or subconsciously, and my hope is that it will be enlightening for myself and maybe for others on similar journeys. I'm in a place now that I can openly admit that I still haven't found my passion, what really moves me at my core, but I haven't given up hope that I just may find it during this whole process. I very well may be in for more failures and more attempts. Who knows? In any case, I'm glad that I have at least a great support system of family and friends along for the ride!
No comments:
Post a Comment