As Labor Day winds down to a close I find myself thinking about what's on my plate for the week. I'm following up with my primary care doctor for a checkup. Boy have I got some things to tell her. My hope is that Banner has already faxed the records to her so she'll already be up to speed. She'll also be glad that I'm finally scheduling an appointment with my endocrinologist which she's been prodding me to do for some time now. I had scheduled with him a couple weeks back but was unable to keep the appointment due to still being in the hospital. Tomorrow I will be calling to reschedule so I can tell my primary care that it's done without having to lie. Wednesday is my intake visit to begin intensive outpatient therapy at Thunderbird and I look forward to getting more acquainted with what it's all about. I've been told by some of my inpatient peers that it's much like the groups we participated in so I'm hoping it will not be completely unfamiliar. I also have my first appointment with my new Psychiatrist for evaluation and medication management. I was going to also schedule a follow-up visit with the gastroenterologist but I'm holding off on that for now. My friends and family are not convinced that she had my best interests at heart and missed some things in trying to diagnose my GI woes. Especially since they have subsided for the most part I'm still giving some thought as to whether a follow-up is in order.
I was able to reconnect with a several cohorts from the snake pit today which brought me some joy. In case the reference is lost I highly recommend viewing the movie! The Snake Pit with Olivia de Havilland is a wonderful film from 1948 that tells the story of a patient in a mental hospital and what she goes through in the recovery process. It is very dark and treatment methods have certainly changed since then thank God! But it does offer some insight and, next to the Heiress and of course Gone With The Wind, it is one of her finest performances. The peers I connected with are doing well and happily so am I. It seems the inpatient treatment we received helped a great deal and set us all on a course toward healing and recovery. Though it may sound odd I feel so blessed to have met and befriended some wonderful people during my stay and I genuinely miss being with them on a daily basis. It's funny how lost and broken souls gravitate to one another and form a connection that can only be understood by those who have similar experiences. I doubt any of us could have made it through the fire without each other's support and encouragement. I think that is the thing I most look forward to participating in the intensive outpatient program. Being with people who understand first hand and being totally exposed warts and all in a safe and hopefully comfortable setting is what I need right now. Strange as it may seem I look forward to the possibility of new friendships and connections.
I've also been reconnecting with friends and coworkers who were unaware of what I was going through and have found they are a great source of comfort and acceptance beyond my imagination. At first I was so afraid to divulge what had happened and where I have been, but I realized that it was important to me that there be no secrets and no withholding information. I decided that anyone who was uncomfortable with the truth or feels somehow differently about me as a person has their own problems and I can't worry about them or what anyone else might think or feel. My true friends understand and support me and I'm getting to a more happy place that allows me to really appreciate and accept their love. I feel a little like George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life when he returns from seeing how a world without him would be and how blessed he felt to regain his life and appreciate the friendships and relationships that he hadn't recognized when he had hit bottom. If only I'd had an angel to take me on a guided tour, but nevertheless I feel just as grateful and blessed! I think everyone should be able to see just what impact they have on other peoples' lives and how they have contributed to the world without having to go through some tragedy or breakdown first. I guess it just goes to show that you sometimes really don't recognize what's truly important and valuable until it's almost lost forever.
It is interesting that I am able to draw so much meaning from old movies. I'm realizing that I have referenced several in my last couple of postings. Maybe it's just my love of the classics and my frequent viewing of whatever happens to be on Turner Classic Movies. I've been called an old soul many times throughout my life and I'm starting to think it must be true. Old films seem to have so much more meaning for me and I appreciate them more than newer movies most of the time. Perhaps it's an inner longing for a more perfect time period or maybe it is feigned nostalgia on my part. It couldn't be actual nostalgia since I wasn't even born yet when most of these films were released. I'm sure they probably weren't actually more perfect times but, as they say, the grass is always greener. It's possible that my interest is merely escapism from the reality of my own life that captures my imagination. This is going to have to be yet another area of reflection and pondering as I proceed through the coming therapy and treatment. The list is getting longer by the day and at this rate I may need therapy for the next decade in order to adequately cover everything! I suppose that is why I'm enjoying writing so much, so I can document my thought processes and issues that come to the surface. Doing so is not only therapeutic and cathartic for me but also gives me somewhat of a road map to follow. I'm sure as I look back on these postings I will be expanding on some of the brief musings in more depth. Hopefully those who read this will not only not mind my sometimes random wanderings but maybe even find some enjoyment and insight along the way.
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