I see a lot of postings on various social media sites recently about giving thanks and expressing gratitude. That is an excellent concept and I thought I'd take the opportunity today to do just that. There have been a few people that I want to give props to for sticking with and not giving up on me. In at least one case, my being here at all and composing this post is solely thanks to her. I've written before about how my close friend Jackie found me at my lowest point and intervened to make sure I got the help I needed. Had she been any later stopping by and letting herself in to check on me I'm sure things would have ended disastrously differently. It's taken me some time to view that as a benefit for myself, but I'm now able to be so incredibly grateful for her unwavering friendship, not to mention tenacity! These past few months have been very difficult. Between the physical and mental health issues I have faced during this time life has certainly not been easy. My short term disability claim for being off work has been under review for quite some time now and, of course, I haven't had any income at all while this is going on. I'm literally down to only a few dollars to my name and have had to humble myself and accept the financial help offered to me by these angels of mercy. For anyone who has been through similar circumstances, you know how it feels to be forced to rely on the generosity of help of others in order to simply survive. It's a horrible feeling and often carries with it increased anxiety, depression and guilt. It's a daily struggle to try not to let those emotions get the better of me and I try hard to believe that everything will work out. Until it does, however, being dependent on other people for everything from food to shelter and transportation gnaws at my very core.
My sister Susan and her family have been unyielding in their support and help. There have been periods of time that our lives were lived pretty much separately, not from any malicious or purposeful intent, but rather from a lack of conscious effort on either of our parts. I have had feelings of being alone and on my own within our family dynamic in general for most of my life, to be honest, and felt that I didn't really fit in. I'm the only one not married or with a significant other, the sibling who took the longest to be able to successfully be self-sufficient, and for some family members I am the unaccepted homosexual outcast that's only worthy of occasional and often accidental thought or mention. I know wholeheartedly that this was never the case with Sue. Our past drifting apart has simply been the natural course of our lives not always intersecting. That being said, I cannot express strongly enough how much her love and support during this period in my life means to me. She has actively participated in my healing process and, along with her husband Vaughn, has made sure I have food in my cupboards. Our family as a whole has never been all that demonstratively expressive and this is the first time in my memory that we have verbalized how much we truly do love each other. Whether she realizes it or not, that was huge for me and I get choked up even now as I write this. I'm beginning to understand just how much I'm going to physically miss her when they finally fulfill their dreams of living in the UK!
To this day I still wonder to myself why these next two angels have put up with all my bullshit and drama over the years, but Julie and Jackie have been there for me through thick and thin. They are both truly special people and I know now that God meant for them to come into my life and stay there. They have both gone above and beyond where friendship is concerned. The love and support they continuously have for me is unconditional and I'm finally convinced that it always will be. I can only hope and pray that I can measure up to the being the kind of friend they are to me. I have learned so much about true friendship from both of them. Julie is my spiritual compass and support and works tirelessly to help me to love myself and feel worthy of other peoples' and God's love. I admit I've still got a lot of work to do on that, but I am trying! Along with Julie, Jackie and her husband Billy have adopted me as family and I could never have imagined or asked for better adopted siblings! Given what I've been through recently, I hope they realize and accept the highest compliment I can give when I say that they make me want to live and hopefully develop into the best person I can be.
Last, but certainly not least, is my dear friend Melony. Much like Julie and Jackie, she has been a true friend to me throughout the past few years. Ever since we met when she was office manager for my primary care physician at the time, I think we both just knew that we'd be friends from that point on. We have such fun discussions and great times with her family. We've helped each other find employment when it was needed and have supported each other's journey. I know she gets upset with me when I don't keep her posted on what's going on with me, especially when something is wrong, but I hope she knows how much I love her and value her friendship. These are my angels that have become my strength and support, and at times my salvation, and I cannot imagine life without any one of them in it and I feel sure that I won't ever have to. I hope they know that their presence in my life feeds my soul and makes me want to be a better person. My wish is that I will be able to successfully live up to deserving them all as my family and friends.
Post Script ...
I cannot believe what an awful person I am for not including another of my angels. I have no idea where my mind was when I wrote this but how could I not have talked about what a blessing my neighbor JK has been to me. She checks in on and looks after me like a mother and, especially in the past year, we have become much closer friends. She's a no nonsense woman with a tough as nails exterior, but underneath it all her heart is 24 carat gold! I can't even count the number of Pong Pong deliveries we've shared while watching this or that on TV. We have confided in each other things that no one else knows and she loves me for who I am, warts and all. And she's taught me the fine art of spying on neighbors, especially the hot ones! We even play POGO together whether it's virtually or when we are actually together in the same room playing on separate laptops. Being a retired orthopedic RN, she makes it a point of staying on top of anything going on where my health is concerned. She's taken me to doctors appointments when I wasn't able to drive and makes sure I'm at least attempting to do what I'm supposed to. I love her so much and feel so badly that she wasn't included in my initial posting, especially because her wings are as golden as her heart! She must think I'm an absolute asshole because she has faithfully been reading my blog and providing feedback which is so greatly appreciated. I owe her a huge thank you and numerous meals from Pong Pong! I hope she'll be able to forgive me for my blatant omission the first time around!
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