I was involved in a discussion today about emotions, beliefs and actions and I was struck by the concept of taking ownership for my own but not buying into or assuming ownership or responsibility for others. It occurs to me that in some way or another most people are more comfortable in taking on other peoples' baggage than they are in neatly packing their own. I'm sure many people can relate to feeling responsible for how others feel or react based on something we said or did rather than focusing on how we feel or act. How often do we know in our hearts what is best for us or what we need, but when we try to communicate it to someone else we are more concerned with how they will react or feel? And when we finally do muster up the courage to say or do whatever it might be for our own self-preservation and peace of mind, we become blind to the fact that it is positive and healthy to do so and solely focus on and take ownership of how the other person reacts or feels. Perhaps there are times, and I certainly know this is true for me, when we don't even speak up for ourselves out of fear that it won't be understood or might be taken the wrong way? We are so quick to protect what is not our responsibility and cast what would be best for ourselves aside as if it wasn't important and didn't matter.
Relationships of all kinds certainly take a lot of work and involve patience and understanding much of the time. When our own needs are not being met we sacrifice our own health and happiness to please the other person, or in some cases just to not make waves. But those waves sometimes need to be made and the onus cannot be on us for how someone else might interpret or react to them, or more accurately how we perceive or assume they may. It's much like owning our own homes but insisting on squatting at someone else's. Are we not comfortable enough with ourselves to the point that we can't focus on fixing up what is needed at home? Do we give up the maintenance and care of our own dwelling in order to make sure our neighbors are happy and comfortable in theirs? I think this is one of the hardest things I've had to face and own up to. Assertiveness and self care and preservation has not heretofore been my strong suit. And now I'm starting to realize that my house has become dilapidated and, if listed on the market, would be labeled a "fixer-upper". I can't put everyone else's needs before my own ... no one should. It is only through keeping up my own individual home repair projects that I am going to be able to truly feel comfortable at home and be proud of what I've built and the improvements I've made.
I think about that expression that talks about finding out who your real and true friends are and I can't help but wonder if those people who want me to take ownership of how they are feeling are genuine friends. The realization I'm facing is that the probably aren't. And don't get me wrong, I have done plenty of that kind of projection in my life, blaming others for my anger or sadness or sense of worthlessness. It is becoming clear that I have to take ownership for how I feel about myself and what I chose to believe, and any such projection on others is simply me allowing them to make me feel a certain way or take to heart someone else's view or belief system. I have to take the power back and not allow others to define who I am or what value or worth I have. This isn't easy, especially with a lifetime of negative external programming and internal self-talk, but the work has to begin now. I have to start working on my own fixer-upper and internalizing to the point of belief without doubt that I am a valuable person; I deserve happiness and contentment; my feelings are valid and important; and no one has the power to diminish or take away that inner self confidence and self assurance. That fixing is probably going to take a while and will likely be an ongoing struggle, but I know now that I can begin to use those tools I'm learning and I will begin to feel valuable and special and good about the person I am and what I have to offer the world. I can now start to recognize when I'm being sold what is not my responsibility, not my own house, and I can begin making those all important decisions to not buy into it any more.
No comments:
Post a Comment