The Weight of the World

I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders, or at least will be in the next couple weeks.  My claim has finally been approved and I will have income soon, including retroactive benefits to August 11th.  Yes, they did uphold the denial for the first four weeks but my hope is that I will still be able to appeal that as well with the help of my primary care doctor.  I cannot express enough just how much this has lifted my spirits.  I don't know what I would have done without the love, support and assistance from my friends and family.  I hope now I'll be able to pay back at least some of the assistance I've gotten.  I have a lot to catch up on but I've learned how to use the tools given to me through this process that I can handle anything that comes my way.  It really doesn't matter how big or insurmountable the situation may seem, I'm starting to realize that I don't have to get to the point of total despair and hopelessness.  I have an awesome support system and a pretty exceptional employer that truly does care about the health and well being of their employees.  I know that the problems I've had with the claim itself arose with the outside vendor that handles these benefits and not from the company I work for directly.  I can't be grateful enough that I'm a part of such an outstanding organization and the recipient of all of the benefits and services they provide to achieve a healthy work-life balance.  They also wholly support employees with more catastrophic events and circumstances far beyond any company I have ever worked for before.  This is why I feel such loyalty and commitment to them and genuinely feel that, at least for the foreseeable future, I have found my niche and am in an environment that will allow me to grow and succeed both personally and professionally.

Part of my program involves encouragement to recognize and rely on a higher power and realize that I am powerless in some situations, resulting in turning everything over to God and letting things work out exactly as His plan for me dictates.  I admit that in my own human frailty I had to take a leap of faith to "let go and let God", and there was certainly a good measure of practicing the "fake it till you make it" philosophy.  I tried so hard to just let God take care of things and allow them to turn out just as they were supposed to, but that didn't totally negate my anxiety, worry and fear.  I watched intently as other members of my group gave their situations over to their higher power and suddenly things began to work out for them.  I maintained a glimmer of hope that God would do the same for me because I'm his child and he loves and cares for me so much that He'd never abandon me, even in my darkest and most desperate times of need.  I'm confident now that He was just waiting for my pride and lack of faith to give in and allow Him to take care of things in his own way and time.  God must be a patient being because it sure took me long enough to realize that I'm not and never will be alone or left helpless and riddled with gloom and despair.  I even had to remember that old song from HeeHaw, of all obscure references, that purports "Gloom, despair and agony on me. Deep dark depression, excessive misery. If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. Gloom, despair and agony on me."  If I only had a big white jug to sip whiskey from, that could have been my theme song for the past few months.  This has been a real lesson in putting faith and trust in my higher power and being confident that He will handle things and not let me crash and burn.  When I came upon the image attached here it really spoke to me and how I feel.  I offered the weight of the world I've been carrying on my shoulders up to God and He has lifted that weight.  I couldn't have drawn up or designed a more fitting illustration.

I also understand that this is the beginning of a new and deeper relationship with Him and I need to put a lot more effort into it.  I really feel the need and desire to get back to finding a good church home where I feel comfortable, accepted and supported, and hopefully one that provides mass more than just on Sunday mornings.  I think I'll try going back to St. John the Baptist on Wednesday nights for their midweek mass to begin with.  That's the church where Julie and I first met, and where Jackie and I met as well.  That's also where I actually became an Anglican and was confirmed.  I figure since that's where God chose to send two of my guardian angels and best friends to me, I owe it another chance and maybe that will be where I call home.  I guess when it comes to church options, if I had to pick my ideal place it would probably be either Trinity or St. Stephen's, since that's where Julie is rector now.  Trinity has a very vibrant LGBT membership and I know I could get more plugged into the community there, but neither of those to options are really feasible for me at this point because of their distance.  If I lived downtown I would most certainly be at Trinity Cathedral as much as possible.  And if I lived more on the east side I'd feel very much at home where Julie is, and that would give me such a huge opportunity to get involved with her church and be of help to her in whatever way I could.  Right now it's just a matter of getting myself back on a positive spiritual journey to supplement exponentially the healing I've done so far.and the recovery that's yet to be achieved.  Similarly to my issue with the disability claim, I just have to give it to God and I know He will steer me in the right direction and I will land in the place that will be best for me at this point in my life.  Right now I'm just so incredibly grateful for the progress I've made, for my friends and family that have been my support system and cheering section, and to God for leading me through the fire unscathed and more strong and ready to face the challenges to come.  I'm looking so forward to getting back to work, regaining my focus on completing my graduate degree program, and continuing to grow and mature in my faith.  I feel empowered to move forward and ultimately relieved to have the weight of the world lifted!