Weekend of Transition

Here we are at the start of the weekend.  For me it's producing a combination of excitement and anxiety.  I return to work on Monday and, as good as I feel and as prepared as I know I am, I'm more than a little nervous about the first day.  I've come so far and conquered quite a bit over the past few months, but I still have to get over this last hurdle of dipping my toes back into the waters and slipping into the comfort of the routine.  Comfort, I hope, is what will be achieved as at this point I feel confident that I'm ready to make this last transition.  I'm not sure why it gives me anxiety since I know at least some of my coworkers, those who are aware of what transpired, have been on my side cheering me on throughout the process, and I had a great conversation with my team leader yesterday and he has expressed how much he is looking forward to my return.  I guess I just have to ease back into it and I know the anxiety and fear will subside.  I have never been a part of an organization that cares so much about and values their employees like this one does.  I know deep down that those who know what I've been through are more than supportive and truly do understand.  I guess anyone would have the same first day jitters and I am hoping they quickly pass and that by Tuesday all of the fear and hesitation will have left me and I'll feel right at home again.  I'm excited because I truly love my job and what I've accomplished so far.  I really have a sense that I'm in the right place and have the support and encouragement to continue my personal and professional growth and development.  At the same time I'm so incredibly grateful that they emphasize a healthy work-life balance and they provide the resources and benefits that allow for those times that life gets in the way or something happens that requires attention to get back on track.  I'm truly blessed in that regard, just as I am with the support system that rallied around me and circled the wagons when I lost my way.

I'm still struggling with decisions regarding school and have yet to make up my mind about what direction to follow.  Having given a lot of thought to my recently discovered love of writing and where that fits in with my overall goals and objectives, part of me wants to dive right in to a program with that emphasis.  At the same time I also think completing my MBA with a focus in project management would also be invaluable and assist me in advancing in my current career path.  What I've come up with now is the option of doing both.  Who says I can't get two Master's degrees?  Why couldn't I finish what I've started toward my MBA and then once that has been achieved I can always go back and focus on writing and communications.  Something inside me says that the combination of both, along with my diverse career background and experience, would make me a unique and invaluable asset to just about any organization.  I could, for example, plan and manage projects that have to do with either internal or external communications.  I'm not sure why I didn't think of this option before, other than the bone chilling realization that I may never be able to pay off the debt load required to pursue both.  I suppose I could just be a professional student and always be enrolled in something that would keep my student loans at bay, but I know they'd come due eventually which scares the living bejeezus out of me.  What the hell, you only live once right?  I suppose if I were positioned to truly make the big bucks the student loan debt would be the least of my worries, but I guess I'll always have that fear even if I were to stop now.  An old friend used to say "it's only money" but I don't think she was staring down the double-barreled Sallie Mae shotgun!  In any event I have decided to put off making those final decisions and starting back, one way or another, until after the first of the year.  I need to take a breather for a while and focus on that work-life balance and self care.  It will only be when these are mastered, or at least settled down to a dull roar, that I will be able to succeed academically.

With work looming on the immediate horizon and decisions remain to be made, I think it's better to take the weekend and just focus on relaxing and preparing myself as best I can.  I'm sure a lot of football will be watched and will fit in dining and fellowship with friends.  That will be my weekend of self care that will put me in that happy place which will make my return to work a triumphant one.  Not as grand as Cleopatra's visit to Rome, mind you, but a successful on at least.  I doubt I could come up with the hundreds of slaves to tote the barge through the parking lot, nor the trumpeters to herald my arrival.  I doubt I could even measure up to MacArthur's return to the Philippines or even Schwarzenegger's "I'll be back,"  But none of those grandiose visions would make me any happier than I will be just walking calmly in, getting settled, and just doing my thing.  As far as decisions regarding school go, another benefit to waiting is to first simply survive the holiday season without any other distractions or obligations taking precedence.  It'll be really nice to be able to supp and fellowship with family and friends for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years without having to worry about a paper or project being due or needing to attend a lecture.  It seems I've had so much other stuff like that going on during this season for years and haven't been able to truly just relax and enjoy the holidays with a real sense of being unencumbered.  So here's to a relaxing and rejuvenating weekend, true peace of mind and calmness of spirit, and a successful reintegration on Monday morning!  As I continue to be reminded by my cohorts from group and my friends and family, I've got this!