Tomorrow is graduation day for me. No, not from college or any other academic program, but from the intensive outpatient group that I've been blessed to be a part of over the past eight weeks. Whenever someone graduates there are a couple of traditions surrounding the event. First, the person is given a list of questions to think about and they present their responses to the group at the end of their last day, which is often a very emotional time. It's hard not to feel moved when making so much progress and preparing to move on, yet knowing you will not see this group that has become like family on a regular basis three times a week. It will be difficult not getting choked up, feeling sad about moving on while having pride in what's been accomplished. Second, in celebration of the event, the other members of the group blow bubbles, yes, just like kids often do. It may seem dumb to some but it has special meaning for the group and for the person who has successfully come to the end of the program, transformed and ready to continue their journey. I thought it would be appropriate, since my turn is tomorrow, to share my responses to the questions posed. Perhaps this will provide some insight into what the group is all about and how it truly does transform lives. The images I've selected for inclusion here also have special meaning to me and the people with whom I've been on this journey of healing and recovery. I hope you at least enjoy reading this and possibly take something away from what I've shared here.
1. What
I was like when I first started IOP:
To be honest I was a nervous
wreck and a total mess. I had just been
discharged from three weeks inpatient at Banner Scottsdale Behavioral Health. I landed there after an interrupted brush
with six loaded syringes of insulin that would have ended everything pretty
quickly. I thought my depression was a
result of medical issues that, the cause of which, couldn't be determined and
treatments weren't helping much at all.
I soon learned there was a big pile of shit that had been building up
over a lifetime and it all came flooding to the surface. In addition to out of control blood sugar and
not being able to get more than 50 feet from a bathroom, a whole host of
underlying feelings and emotions suddenly took center stage like a starving and
long term unemployed actor who's finally nabbed that perfect part. I always knew I was riddled with guilt and
shame, and I was wholly aware my self
esteem was non-existent, but I never really dealt with the real issues that
contributed to those unhealthy consequences.
I began, very slowly, to heal and recover and, honestly, when I walked
into my first IOP session I had no idea what to expect. I wasn't sure anyone could relate to my
problems and I even questioned whether to bring some of them up out of fear of
rejection or judgement. I worried that
me being gay would be an issue for at least someone, and I wasn't sure I could
open up and participate with people I didn't know, and was sure I would be the
wallflower no one liked. I hadn't had
any income for two months and there was no end in sight to the endless denials,
appeals and reviews. I didn't even have
the price of a cup of coffee in the cafeteria so I just stayed in the room when
others went off during break to get some refreshment. I literally felt like a nobody and I had no
confidence that would really ever change.
Joy will kill me for saying this, but I was still having suicidal
thoughts and wasn't sure I could overcome them, but I put on a brave face and
proclaimed “I'm safe and everyone around me is safe” along with everyone else. I thought if I admitted I wasn't safe, the
men in white coats would come barging in and take me away in a straight
jacket. Yes, I was about as big a mess
as I've ever been! But I did do one
small thing, I took a leap of faith and showed up in spite of it all. And I promised myself I would do my best to
really work the program, not miss any sessions, and give it the old college
try.
2. What
I have learned from IOP:
Oh my God, I’m not sure where to start. I have learned about so many useful tools and
how to apply them in my life to overcome that heretofore ever present negative self-talk. I think I've been doing it for so long I just
got comfortable with all those unhealthy senses of worthlessness and low self-esteem. It took me a little while to realize that I
was, indeed, using them while working through some issues, but it took being
reminded that I was doing so, sometimes without even thinking about it. I've learned about changing and retraining
how I think, co-dependence, healthy vs. unhealthy relationships, and effective
communication. Setting boundaries was
also an area that I learned I need to work on and that’s an ongoing work in
progress. I also learned pretty quickly
that I’m not alone in my journey and that there are people, very special
people, who share the same or similar challenges and issues. Even just that simple fact that I’m not alone
made me feel better and considerably more comfortable within the group’s
dynamic. I've learned the importance of
self-care, utilization of positive affirmations, how to value myself as a
person, and how to be grateful rather than guilt ridden and full of shame. I've also learned how to accept help from
those who want to assist and not deny them the opportunity to contribute to my
journey of healing and recovery. And
most of all, I think I finally began to develop an awareness and appreciation
of my higher power, and have started practicing handing things beyond my
control over to God, confident in the knowledge that no matter how it turns out
I’ll still be OK. I take away a sense of
empowerment that comes with recognition of what I have accomplished, what I do
well and how blessed I am to have such a great support system and a higher
power who loves me and will resolve any situation that comes my way exactly how
it should be, regardless of the outcome.
I will always carry these tools and concepts with me going forward,
confident that I can handle anything, no matter how big or small since, as Joy
so aptly often reminds us, it’s a journey not a destination!
3. How I've changed:
Wow, it’s almost easier and more expedient to talk about
the ways I haven’t changed, but here goes!
I simply can’t believe the difference in me from when I first began the
journey. Not only have I noticed it
myself, but I get such positive feedback from my friends and family, and this
group is certainly family, about
what an improvement and change they see in me as well. I can’t say that the issues and challenges
themselves have been completely resolved, but I have such confidence now that I
have the tools needed to handle anything that comes my way. I know that difficult times and situations
will always be present in one form or another, but I’m now much more able to
process things in a significantly healthier way, dispute my negative and
destructive thoughts and beliefs about a given situation, and truly change my
thinking and mindset in order to tackle whatever it might be. I have become much less susceptible to deep
depression and high anxiety and know that, even if they briefly rear their ugly
head, I can now fight them into submission.
Sometimes it’s guerrilla warfare and sometimes it can seem like a
prolonged and bloody battle, but it’s more than manageable now that I have the
right weapons in my arsenal. I am also
confident in and wholly aware of my support system, the angels God has sent and
speaks through in my life, the resources I can call upon when needed, and the
practice of self-care that is so vital in maintaining a healthy life
balance. I am stronger than I've ever
been and can palpably feel that strength coursing through my veins. I have regained that sense of joy that comes
with inner peace and gratitude for everything and everyone I have in my
life. It’s been so long since I've
experienced joy that I had almost forgotten what it was like. But now, most especially after this group, I
will carry both my inner joy and my new friend Joy in my heart always! Whenever I do face challenges and catch
myself in negative and self-destructive coping mechanisms, I will forever have
that face Joy makes when she knows what I’m saying or doing is bullshit. But conversely, when I find myself working
the tools and successfully handling whatever it might be, I’ll have that face
Joy makes when she is pleased with the progress and gives her wholehearted support
and encouragement to venture forth with strength, courage and conviction. Either way, no one will ever be able to steal
my Joy!
4. What
I think will help the group:
The best advice I can give the group is to be open to the
process and do the homework. If Joy
gives you as separate packet to complete specific to your situation or need,
trust her! She knows what she’s doing! While many of the tools and concepts we learn
here together can be applied to all of us, remember that each one of us is a
unique individual and we all have our own areas of opportunity and challenges
to work on and overcome. Don’t take
anything personally and just know that if you work the program it will be
transformative! It took me until over
half way through before I started to notice the changes within myself, and I
admit that I would see other people making great strides and being a little bit
jealous that it wasn't happening for me, at least not fast enough. What I didn't realize is that it WAS
happening and I WAS working the program, even though I wasn't wholly aware of
it. These things take time and no one
should expect to be instantly healed.
Even with a change in thinking and working with the tools we are given,
challenges and issues are still there.
Some are left over and still need to be worked through, while others are
yet to happen. Life is somewhat like a
cornfield maze; some people are fortunate and have no problem getting through
it, or at least bluffing their way.
Others can get totally lost and end up helpless or hopeless and feel
they’ll never get out. We are the lucky
and blessed ones that have been given the gift of a guide, direction, a map
that assists us to navigate our way through all the twists and turns. And always remember, no matter how deep in
the maze you find yourself, be confident that if you follow the guide and make
the concepts a part of your thought processes, you WILL get through it! Embrace each other as family and really use
this safe place to be open and honest; don’t hold back. Secrets keep us sick; Openness and honesty
set us free!
5. What
I wish for the group:
I wish with my whole heart that each and every person
coming to this group for healing and recovery find the strength and courage to
apply what is learned and practiced here and make it a part of yourselves, so
that no matter what you may face or what circumstances come your way, you will
have the tools and resources to overcome any challenge. And know that you are a special and loved
person, valued, full of worth, and never let anyone steal your joy!
Two prayers:
Episcopal Prayer Book – BCP
O God, in the course of this busy life, give us times
of refreshment and peace, and grant that we may so use our leisure to rebuild
our bodies and renew our minds, that our spirits may be opened to the goodness
of all creation … Amen
My Favorite Benediction
May the Lord bless you and keep you; may the Lord make
his face to shine on you and be gracious to you; and may the Lord turn his face
toward you and give you peace!
And finally, I just can’t thank you all enough for being
here and supporting me as well as each other … for this transformative program
I feel blessed to have been a part of … for you Joy, for accepting me in and
making allowances for my sense of humor (even about farting rainbow bubbles),
for doing what you do so well, and for being one of those angels God brought
into all of our lives … I love you all very much!
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