Destination Addiction

One of my Facebook friends posted this image a few days ago and, after reading it to myself several times and pondering its meaning, I found that I really related to it.  For much of my life I've thought that happiness would come when I ... fill in the blank.  I have a long list of things that fit that blank space.  When I was I was younger I thought I'd find happiness after I got out of high school and went off to college and adulthood.  Boy was that a fiasco!  After a brief and failed attempt at a small college in suburban Chicago, I realized that college wasn't for me and I lacked the readiness to buckle down and see it through.  I think, looking back on that time period of my life, that I just didn't have much of a direction or idea what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be, both personally and professionally.  My formative years up to and throughout high school were fraught with horrible experiences and memories.  I just didn't fit in to any group or subculture that existed back in those days in small town Ohio.  I knew from a very early age that there was something different about me and, as I've discussed in prior postings, I really became very sexually active with a growing number of partners on the down low, to put it in more modern vernacular.  I was wholly aware that this was not something most people go through and for quite some time I felt it was wrong, but I kept finding myself in circumstances that made it easy for people to take advantage of the situation.  I never dated or had any experience at all with females, other than friendships of course, and most of the people I related to on that level were much older than I was.  I guess it was true when some people referred to me as an old soul.  I'm sure the vast majority of people I messed around with sexually, while ranging in ages from my own class up to adults in positions of authority in the academic world, were the result of experimentation and/or nothing more than their own physical gratification.  I can't express what an impact this had on my childhood and adolescence, especially since many of the people I was sleeping with in secret were the same people that would torment me both physically and verbally in more public settings and at school.  While these experiences don't directly relate to the concept of destination addiction, I now know that these things did have a major impact on my future and my lack of direction or passion for any particular field of study.  Even though I had a very normal home life, for the most part, the secretive goings on behind closed doors really robbed me of my childhood and, as I've come to discover, left indelible wounds the would impact my my life in ways I would never understand until much later.  I think it was in large part because of this period that I lacked the confidence and failed to develop the self esteem needed to survive in the world successfully for years to come.  This was the first time that I started to suffer from destination addiction.  I thought if I could only change my circumstances or geographic location I could be happy. If I somehow altered the people I hung out and was friends with, things would get much easier and better.  No matter what my current circumstances were at any given time there were always inner feelings of finding that next place or that new person that would bring me the happiness and contentment I wanted so badly.  I never even lived in any one dwelling for longer than a year.  Even the idea of moving to a new apartment or neighborhood in the same city brought hopes of being at peace and content with my life.

Now please don't get the idea that I'm in any way knocking goals and always having something to work toward or look forward to.  That's not what I'm talking about here.  Goals are awesome and give us that drive that we need to always improve and excel, learn and grow, and better ourselves.  One of my problems was in lumping legitimate goals in with that addiction to finding happiness in someplace or someone else.  In my mind there was no difference between the two.  I'm only now, much later in life, able to objectively dissect and separate the two.  While I still have many goals and objectives I want to achieve, I also have to focus on finding and recognizing happiness in whatever my current circumstances might be.  I'm not sure what it is that feeds the hunger to not ever be truly satisfied and grateful for what I have and how far I've come.  It seems there's always, even now, that glimmer of hope that I'll be happier if ...  Again, there are so many variables that could fill that "if" spot, whether it's hitting the lottery and being rich, meeting that special friend or significant other, getting that elusive dream job, or even discovering what my true passion in life consists of.  I think I'v discovered at least one thing, and that's writing.  It's interesting that when I had to do so much written work as I progressed through my baccalaureate degree, I didn't recognize how much I truly loved to write.  Perhaps since it was required and considered work I wasn't able to see for myself how much of a talent I had.  People would say to me here and there that I should be a writer, which I blew off most of the time and thought it was just false praise to give me an ego boost.  Even the feedback I got from professors had indications of how impressive my papers were, which led to a pretty high GPA I might add.  But I still didn't truly make the connection.  I always thought maybe it was because I enjoyed the subject matter or just wanted to do well in school.  It wasn't until these past few months that I've realized, through journaling and continuing this blog, I really love the art of writing, of finding just the right word to use, of conveying a thought or message successfully, and ultimately of providing people who read my prose with enjoyment.  This has been one of the biggest Ah-ha! moments I think I've ever had when it comes to really digging down deep inside and figuring out where my happiness really comes from. It isn't about what's next, but what's now!  Yes, a new and better job may yield a higher income; the winning lottery numbers could provide me with untold riches; the right person may come along who turns out to be the great love of my life; and new digs just might be nice and provide bigger or better space in which to reside.  But ultimately any one of those things, either alone or in combination, wouldn't bring me true happiness.  I am finally at the stage where I am beginning to understand happiness comes from within rather than out of circumstance or surroundings.  Being genuinely cognizant of and grateful for what my life is today, here and now, for being blessed beyond measure with family and friends who love and support me through thick and thin, for having a roof over my head and food to eat, for being able to give of myself in thought, word and deed to those I love, and to let my light shine in the world and just be alive!

My challenge to you is to think about what truly makes you happy.  Notice I said "makes" rather than "would make" since that is the real trick.  What is it right now, today, this moment, that brings you joy?  What tugs at your heartstrings and brings a smile to your face?  Who are the people who love and support you no matter what, and that you love wholeheartedly in return?  Don't think about what will make you happy tomorrow, next month or next year; treat those as goals to be achieved and not sources of happiness.  There will be time enough to be happy when they are reached, but don't lose the joy of today at the expense of what might be tomorrow.  Consciously put effort toward recognizing the blessings you have, regardless of what you might want.  You just might be pleasantly surprised at what a long list you can create by doing so.  One of my favorite quotes from the musical Music Man is when Harold Hill tells Marian that if she piles up enough tomorrows she'll end up with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays, and truer words were never spoken.  This was driven home for me just yesterday while my neighbor and I were hanging out and she remarked that if we had realized how well we would get along and how close we'd become, we should have done it years ago!  I couldn't agree more.  Think of all the time wasted by not living in the moment and seizing every opportunity you can.  You see, it's not about what will come down the road; it's about where we are right now that happiness exists.  Take the time and give attention to cherishing what is rather than what might or will be.  I've recently learned to internalize the phrase don't let anyone steal your joy.  Well that can be said about ourselves as well. Sometimes we rob the happiness and joy we could and should be enjoying in the moment because we are too focused on finding it somewhere else.  The outpatient program I've been involved in the last two months have led me to challenge myself in the same way, and I'm honestly beginning to see a huge difference in how I feel.  My wish for you, as well as myself, is that we may learn to perfect the ability to recognize and relish in what's right in front of our eyes.  Perhaps we all need a twelve step program for destination addiction that allows us to focus on being happy and experiencing joy.  God give me the serenity to recognize the joy I have in the moment, the courage to pursue my goals without using them as indicators of my happiness, and the wisdom to know the difference.  AMEN!