Relapocolypse!

Well yesterday was certainly a barn burner of a good time!  As any valley girl worth her salt might retort, NOT!  Actually it seems it was the culmination of circumstances that aligned in just the right way to create the perfect storm.  Back in October, just before preparations were completed in readying myself to return to work, we made a medication change.  I discussed the pros and cons with my doctor and was given the option to remain on the medication I was taking or make the switch.  I did what I thought was best, deferred to my doctor's judgment and made the change.  It seemed like a no-brainer to me.  The new medication was supposed to have less of a chance to cause weight gain, thereby minimizing any adverse impact to my diabetes, and yet still had those beneficial side effects like helping with sleep.  It seemed the choice was obvious so I got on board without to much thought.  Looking back with 20/20 hindsight I now can recognize that my difficulty sleeping started again just about the time the medication switch was made.  I thought surely the increased insomnia had more to do with returning to work than anything else.  Again, only being able to look back and analyze now, I also identified a negative trend in blood sugar readings, which kept getting higher and higher.  Monday and Tuesday of this week, as stated in my previous posting, saw the highest readings in a very long time, now in the 450 range.  Once I had the chance to review the drug information via a number of reputable online sources, I quickly found that it could cause very high blood sugar readings and insomnia.  I can only surmise that, while it seemed like the first medication had a higher risk, I was reaping all of the negatives from the second.  My doctor swiftly acted and advised me to stop the medication immediately and let me know we could discuss other options when I saw her on December 2nd.  This seemed like a good solid plan, but the unraveling had already begun and intensified even more without the presence of any medication that would at least mildly continue the underlying and much needed mood stabilizing benefits.  While I have no actual evidence other than the empirical, the results ended up being devastating.

Yesterday is when the nuclear bomb detonated, and much to my dismay it happened at work.  When I first arrived I followed my usual routine of firing up the computer and getting ready for the day.  Just as I was about to log into the phone and begin taking calls, the fire alarm went off.  It was only a drill, but for some reason the sound of the alarm started something inside me I can't really describe.  I'm not sure what it is about those blaring tones, but I could begin to feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I made my way down the stairs along with everyone else.  I fought through it and didn't allow myself to break down because I felt as though if I had I wouldn't be able to stop.  After a brief time outside we were finally given the all clear and returned to our desks.  That feeling which had begun with the sounding of the alarm wasn't going away.  I could still feel it building and knew something really bad was about to happen.  I messaged my team lead and asked if we could go in a small conference room.  Luckily he was available and acted immediately.  No sooner did I get in that room that everything came pouring out uncontrollably.  I began to sob and my whole entire body started shaking and wouldn't stop.  I was horrified that my boss had to see me like this but at that particular point there was nothing I could do to stop it.  After a period of just sitting there letting it all come flooding forth, my team lead handing me tissue after tissue and just trying to reassure me it would be alright, I stabilized enough for him to be able to surreptitiously whisk me down to the health center where an onsite counselor was able to meet with me and help bring things under some control.  I was so appreciative that we took the back way down so I didn't have to face crowds of people along the way.  He was so incredibly understanding and supportive but I remain completely appalled that it had happened at all, let alone in the middle of the work day.  I was placed in a quiet room for a little while but I think the health center staff was afraid to close the door out of fear I might do something to harm myself, but I wasn't quite back to that point thank God!  The counselor spent a good deal of time with me and she made some calls to members of my care team for direction.  I finally got to a point where I was able to come home, but was still very raw from the whole experience.  Every nerve ending in my body felt frayed and rough, and the shaking continued into the evening.

Being the good and well trained soldier I immediately sent out a rallying cry to my troops of first responders.  It was the first time I had to do so since my discharge, but they were all there and ready to see me through this.  I received a call late in the afternoon from my one doctor who agreed I should start back on my original regimen immediately, and called in a script for something to take the edge off as well.  Luckily, I had today scheduled off to use up some of my remaining vacation time.  I had thought about cancelling it after having to take Monday and Tuesday off, but given the circumstances I thought better of it.  I took the first dose last night of the original medication that brought so much help early on in my treatment.  Sure enough, shortly after taking it I couldn't even fight the necessity for sleep and I fell into the most wonderful and restorative slumber, better than I've experienced in a long time.  I not only slept through the night, but into this morning as well.  Just as my first experience with this particular medication, I awoke with a pretty significant hangover that stuck with me throughout the day, so much so that I ended up sleeping for another several hours.  My body must have needed the rest, between not having slept well for a while and the whole body encompassing episode I went through yesterday.  I know this hangover effect wears off, or at least it did after a few days the first time I began taking it, so I'm glad I have the longer weekend to adjust again.  As I sit here and write this now, I still feel like I could curl up in a ball and just sleep even more.  I'm fighting that feeling, though, because I want so badly to sleep well again tonight and get myself on a routine schedule.  Being able to take this swift and decisive action in changing my care plan has given me hope that, while it certainly felt like Armageddon, it will turn out to be another speed bump along the road to recovery.  Honestly, I know I should have applied the tools I've learned to get myself through all of this, but it hit me so quickly and unexpectedly that opening my toolbox didn't even come to mind.  I let things get to a tipping point, and when the boulder that had been perched precariously on the ledge gave way and began tumbling down the mountain, it was too late for any of the tools to be of any help in the moment.

I suppose it was inevitable that I would look at this week, this bump in the road, as a failure on my part or at least as a significant setback.  Yes, I know better than that, and I can both see and feel the progress I've made.  I can even say with confidence that it's so great to be back to work and get back to a real sense of normalcy.  I feel I've been doing really well adjusting and am confident that my performance is improving.  I've already gotten very positive feedback that tells me I haven't lost my touch at being able to connect with customers and leave them more than satisfied with the service I've provided to them.  The good news is I made it through a really tough time and still have a great deal of hope and positivity about the future.  There was a time not long ago that this wouldn't be the case, and I admit there were a few moments yesterday that I thought sure I'd be on my way to another inpatient stay, but everything has worked out so far.  Hindsight is a great teacher and being able to look back on what circumstances conspired to bring me to this crisis point.  I only wish it could be preemptively employed rather than only being available after everything has already crashed and burned around me.  For now, the nuclear blast has been diffused and the raw and agitated nerve endings are beginning to heal.  Now it's just a matter of taking things one step at a time.  Like so many of the other challenges appearing in the middle of my path, I know I've got this!