Pity ... Party of One!

Well, this week didn't bring much in the way of progress and I'm feeling stuck.  I've been doing a lot of thinking and simply haven't come up with any sort of direction.  As much as I try to work on the little things and take one step at a time, I can't seem to find any kind of bigger picture.  I no longer know what it is I want or where my passion is in life that will provide that motivation necessary for me to want to even make the smallest of changes.  I know that sounds totally defeatist and irrational, but it's honest.  I am not proud of having these thoughts.  I realize that I should have some kind of life goals, something to look forward to, something to work toward, but right now I'm at a complete loss when it comes to identifying anything.  I used to look forward to starting back to school and completing my Master's degree but now every time I think of that all I can see is more and more debt piling up and a much shorter period of time to reap any real benefit from it.  I derive some pleasure in writing, such as my postings are here, but I'm sure it's become noticeable that I haven't had the resolve to keep up as often as I used to.  I've tried starting a post a few times and came up empty, fearing all I had on my mind to compose was this sense of hopelessness.  I feel as though writing these kinds of things simply gives the impression that I'm wallowing in my own pool of self pity, and perhaps that's the case.  I can only assure that I continue to look at those positive affirmations remaining posted on my bathroom mirror, still gravitating to the one that speaks the most to me simply stating "Chill Homey!!  You just have to let that shit go!!"  I say that to myself countless times each day hoping that it will start to stick and begin to change my thought processes from negative to positive, but so far the words just haven't sunken in.  I keep planting to seed but nothing seems to sprout and begin to grow.

I've made a meager attempt to reconnect with my own spirituality and belief system, but admittedly continue to judge myself as unworthy of God's love and only end up with a feeling of emptiness.  I suppose it's difficult for people of faith to understand where I'm coming from, but I cannot seem to let go of the doctrines and precepts of many denominations that would eagerly and gladly condemn me to hell simply for being who I am.  One of my very closest friends and spiritual advisers has so much frustration with my faith related struggles and confidently states that I should ignore those leaning more toward the fundamental right and not let their ongoing judgement and hatred impact my own beliefs and sense of self worth.  Consciously I know she's right of course, and yet I am still unable to just discount them.  There is always this quandary in the back of my mind that incessantly drones "what if they are right?"  I know all the arguments and do my best to dismiss the bigotry and idiocy woven throughout their preaching, but that droning continues to sabotage any minimal progress I attempt to make.  It continues to astound me at just how much damage religion can do to the soul.  Every day people die in the name of religion, especially in the middle east.  One only has to watch one hour of pretty much any news program to see the clear demonstration of what evils and carnage religious beliefs can cause.  I have such a difficult time reconciling the myriad of belief systems and only end up not wanting to be part of any of them.  Does all this mean I don't believe?  Absolutely not!  In fact I have very strong beliefs, but my problem is rooted in my own self loathing and feeling that the promises of God's love and salvation aren't meant for the likes of insignificant me.

So yes, I accept and embrace that I'm in full pity party mode.  It's not by choice, though there are many schools of thought that suggest otherwise.  Having vast and ongoing experience with clinical depression, I've come to believe that simply choosing to feel a certain way, while possible I'm sure, is much much more easily said than done.  The struggle continues.  Now with a new followup provider that has tweaked and added to my pharmacological regimen, I have some faint hope of improvement.  The decision remains as to what might be necessary for ongoing treatment and some of those will be made in the coming week.  For those interested I will keep posting regarding course and progress.  My previous rant about religion not withstanding, I humbly ask for continued prayers and support, which are the only things allowing me to hold on right now.  I appreciate the interest in and concern for my well being and am eternally grateful for the friends and family who continue to rally around me determined not to let me fall.  I wouldn't be here today without these shining lights in an otherwise dark and dismal void.  I can only promise that I will continue to fight and try my best, regardless of where it may lead or how bleak things may sometimes seem.  I'd add a sumptuous piece of cake to the pity party but that would only wreak havoc on my blood sugar, not that it's all that well controlled anyway.  But that's a posting for another time.  For now, perhaps flipping between the Pro Bowl, The SAG Awards and Miss Universe will provide some insight and direction, if not then at least a distraction and some much needed levity!