As I spent the afternoon and evening with Jackie a few days ago, it occurred to me that it must be incredibly frustrating to be my friend. Like a trouper she had come by to graze on a plethora of snacks and sweets while we took in the SAG red carpet coverage and subsequent award show, flipping to the Pro Bowl periodically to keep tabs on that and marvel at the narrower goal posts, and then rounded out the night with the Miss Universe pageant. I often wonder if she really likes watching all these things or just does it because she knows I enjoy them. She, along with my other friends encompassing my support system, has stuck by me through good and bad, albeit I'm sure there has been much more bad than good from my own perspective. I get offered advice and help, love and support from all who surround me, but I can't help wondering to myself why they all remain my friends. More often than not I don't heed advice and persist in isolating myself from them when I know I am most in need. I continuously fail to recognize my own worth and value and always have in the back of my mind that burning question of what others see in me. This is the kind of mindset that propagates that ever present negative and destructive feelings I have about the future. The expectations that I perceive others having of me, as well as those I place on myself, never seem to actually get satisfactorily met, at least for any length of time. I learned this lesson from my experience a number of months ago, coming out of it with a positive outlook and at least some moderate and measurable success, only to pretty much crash and burn over the holidays and ending up back where I started. I continue looking at and saying aloud those positive affirmations but I have to say that doing so only serves to put on a fresh mask that merely hides from public view what remains underneath. I've started to think quite a bit about why this occurs and how to go about changing things for the better. I do believe that I have identified the root cause but am not sure how to go about fixing it.
I wish I could put into words what it's like to have to battle clinical depression. Those who share my struggles do understand, but it you haven't experienced it or dealt with anyone else who has, it's so difficult to explain and justify. I use that word, justify, because there remain multitudes of people who believe a person can just decide to feel better, that the feelings of depression, anxiety, despair and hopelessness can be somehow merely brushed aside, or that a person's inability to do so is some sort of sign indicating weakness or laziness. If it were only that simple! There is so much yet unknown about depression and the best way(s) to treat and overcome it but I do believe things are getting better and there are certainly more options available than in the past. I think this is one of the reasons I tend to isolate and not reach out for help and support because I assume people won't understand or will feel that "here we go again" feeling. As frustrated and angry as I get with myself, I can only imagine what it must be like for those surrounding me who want to give their love and support but don't know how to. I wish I knew myself, because I could then communicate more clearly what it is that I need or that would help. It is important for me to reassure my friends and family that these periods of isolation when things get bad have nothing to do with them at all. I often feel like spreading the word just places additional burdens and worries on those who already have so much other stuff in their own lives to worry about. I now know that isn't always the case. My dear friend Melony recently reached out to me and came over for a visit. She shared with me how it makes her feel when I don't keep her in the loop and don't let her know what's going on, regardless of how bad it might be. Of course I apologized, but she wouldn't allow me to take on the responsibility of how she felt. She just wanted me to be aware, and I'm so grateful that she did. When I feel as though I'm at the end of my rope and am most in need of help is when I hesitate most in reaching out and keeping lines of communication open.
I think my biggest fear is that the recurrence and ongoing issues I deal with will cause those who do love and support me to become so frustrated that they will give up on me, especially when I get to the point of feeling like giving up on myself. I still have difficulty accepting unconditional love, probably because it has been so long, if ever, since I loved myself. I am still plagued on occasion with a recurring dream where I see my funeral and no one is there. In the dream the pews are empty and I can only surmise that it's because everyone had, at some point, given up on being my friend since I never could seem to get my shit together. In reality I do have hope that someday I will be able to keep these feelings and emotions in check and somehow finally overcome them. For now, though, it remains an ongoing and frustrating journey with no definitive end in sight. During this second week since my discharge I have continued to wrestle and fight the lack of hope and the sense of helplessness. I can't help but wonder if maybe my stay was too short, not that I enjoy the inpatient experience, but at this point I have been able to at least recognize the benefits I have derived from each of them. Right now I can honestly say that I am only able to deal with things one day at a time, sometimes hour by hour, and I am wholly aware of how frustrating and maddening it is to me, so I can't even imagine how much it is for those who try so hard to support and love me and be there for me no matter what. I accept that part of my recovery must be to work on accepting that love and support in the same unconditional way that it's offered. To those who are there for me, I can't express or reinforce enough just how much it means to me, even when I don't act like it. I apologize, whether it's necessary or not, for any frustration or perceived lack of gratitude that I have or will cause throughout my journey. These people that make up my support system mean so much to me and sometimes provide the only motivation I can muster to keep up the fight. So a heartfelt thank you goes out to them for helping provide at least one reason for living! You know who you are and I love you all very much! So the battle rages on!
I wish I could put into words what it's like to have to battle clinical depression. Those who share my struggles do understand, but it you haven't experienced it or dealt with anyone else who has, it's so difficult to explain and justify. I use that word, justify, because there remain multitudes of people who believe a person can just decide to feel better, that the feelings of depression, anxiety, despair and hopelessness can be somehow merely brushed aside, or that a person's inability to do so is some sort of sign indicating weakness or laziness. If it were only that simple! There is so much yet unknown about depression and the best way(s) to treat and overcome it but I do believe things are getting better and there are certainly more options available than in the past. I think this is one of the reasons I tend to isolate and not reach out for help and support because I assume people won't understand or will feel that "here we go again" feeling. As frustrated and angry as I get with myself, I can only imagine what it must be like for those surrounding me who want to give their love and support but don't know how to. I wish I knew myself, because I could then communicate more clearly what it is that I need or that would help. It is important for me to reassure my friends and family that these periods of isolation when things get bad have nothing to do with them at all. I often feel like spreading the word just places additional burdens and worries on those who already have so much other stuff in their own lives to worry about. I now know that isn't always the case. My dear friend Melony recently reached out to me and came over for a visit. She shared with me how it makes her feel when I don't keep her in the loop and don't let her know what's going on, regardless of how bad it might be. Of course I apologized, but she wouldn't allow me to take on the responsibility of how she felt. She just wanted me to be aware, and I'm so grateful that she did. When I feel as though I'm at the end of my rope and am most in need of help is when I hesitate most in reaching out and keeping lines of communication open.
I think my biggest fear is that the recurrence and ongoing issues I deal with will cause those who do love and support me to become so frustrated that they will give up on me, especially when I get to the point of feeling like giving up on myself. I still have difficulty accepting unconditional love, probably because it has been so long, if ever, since I loved myself. I am still plagued on occasion with a recurring dream where I see my funeral and no one is there. In the dream the pews are empty and I can only surmise that it's because everyone had, at some point, given up on being my friend since I never could seem to get my shit together. In reality I do have hope that someday I will be able to keep these feelings and emotions in check and somehow finally overcome them. For now, though, it remains an ongoing and frustrating journey with no definitive end in sight. During this second week since my discharge I have continued to wrestle and fight the lack of hope and the sense of helplessness. I can't help but wonder if maybe my stay was too short, not that I enjoy the inpatient experience, but at this point I have been able to at least recognize the benefits I have derived from each of them. Right now I can honestly say that I am only able to deal with things one day at a time, sometimes hour by hour, and I am wholly aware of how frustrating and maddening it is to me, so I can't even imagine how much it is for those who try so hard to support and love me and be there for me no matter what. I accept that part of my recovery must be to work on accepting that love and support in the same unconditional way that it's offered. To those who are there for me, I can't express or reinforce enough just how much it means to me, even when I don't act like it. I apologize, whether it's necessary or not, for any frustration or perceived lack of gratitude that I have or will cause throughout my journey. These people that make up my support system mean so much to me and sometimes provide the only motivation I can muster to keep up the fight. So a heartfelt thank you goes out to them for helping provide at least one reason for living! You know who you are and I love you all very much! So the battle rages on!
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