I freely admit my fascination with the Twilight Saga. Don't ask me why, I don't even quite understand it myself. So as I sat watching the series marathon a couple days ago on ABC Family, soaking in all the vampire romance and werewolf love triangles, and lusting just a little over Jackson Rathbone, I started seeing commercials for a new movie coming out At first I wasn't paying close enough attention, as I often don't during commercial breaks, but the third or fourth time the ad played I caught what it was about and something stirred inside. The movie is called DUFF, which led my mind's first few viewings to assume maybe Hillary Duff had something to do with it. But when I payed closer attention I was kind of shocked to realize that DUFF stood for Designated Ugly Fat Friend. As much as I tried hard not to take it personally, my attempts failed. Speaking as someone who has always been overweight, or using the clinical terminology I hate so much, morbidly obese, this new acronym cut into me pretty deeply. Yes, I'm sure it's just a stupid movie, but can't help but wonder if any thought was given to how a seemingly innocuous title and premise might have a more significant impact on some people. To me this is just another example of this never ending need for society, or at least parts of it, to always have a target group to make fun of, terrorize, or ostracize. Fat people have always been one of the groups targeted, but certainly aren't the only ones. At any given point in time it's always been someone on the receiving end of the joke, the hatred, the venom, whether it is based on race, gender, nationality, heritage, sexual orientation, or of course body image. Looking back on my life and some of the relationships I've had, I can see many in which I would have been considered the DUFF, and a measure of those were painful experiences that have left indelible scars that surface from time to time. I vividly remember one person that I became very close to and cared very much for telling me that I was everything they were looking for in a person, but they just couldn't get past me being overweight and that was the deal breaker. I can't tell you just how much a label like this can negatively impact self esteem. I suppose many people in this category have developed healthy defense mechanisms that have allowed them to survive and thrive, but there are others, and I count myself as one, who lack the coping skills needed in order to permanently diffuse the impact of societal labels and judgments. That's one of the things I'm trying my best to work on.
Well, now that I've begrudgingly accepted the whole DUFF concept, I guess it would be a good time to provide an update on progress, or the lack of it. I have to admit that the transition from being inpatient seemed much more organized the last go around. This time, while I really like the clinic and the services they offer, there is a noticeable difference and I feel like I'm falling through the cracks. Individual and group counseling are services not offered for the level of service I've been assigned. I think the doc has a lot more to offer in the way of medication management, but she seems to be leaving whatever other treatment I pursue up to me. Of course I'm spinning my wheels trying to figure out what to do, what might be the best option(s), or how to integrate everything so all involved are on the same page. I doubt I'm the best person to be making these decisions on my own, so I made an appointment with my prior counselor to see what she thinks. I'll also be reaching out to my case manager for some direction as well. I can honestly say I'm not my best advocate right now as I'm still struggling through quite a bit. After spending almost 24 hours in bed I'm realizing that I really don't have control over much at the moment. I know I can't give up, but part of my struggle is finding a plausible reason not to. I'm not sure if it's just withdrawal and isolation or if there might be some level of agoraphobia involved. While I'm not a pill popping, brandy swigging agoraphobe like Sigourney Weaver in Copycat, which I watched recently, I found that I related a lot to her character when it comes to the manifestation of symptoms. In the film she deals with her panic by reciting the Presidents in order. I'd try that but I'd have to study up on them since there's no way I could currently master it. I'm confident I'm not that bad, but at the same time there are periods or episodes where it really does apply. I guess this is all fodder for discussions about how I should be proceeding. I'm really hoping for something that will give me more long lasting relief. My appointment is tomorrow morning so we'll see where it might lead. As always, more to follow as things continue to progress.
Well, now that I've begrudgingly accepted the whole DUFF concept, I guess it would be a good time to provide an update on progress, or the lack of it. I have to admit that the transition from being inpatient seemed much more organized the last go around. This time, while I really like the clinic and the services they offer, there is a noticeable difference and I feel like I'm falling through the cracks. Individual and group counseling are services not offered for the level of service I've been assigned. I think the doc has a lot more to offer in the way of medication management, but she seems to be leaving whatever other treatment I pursue up to me. Of course I'm spinning my wheels trying to figure out what to do, what might be the best option(s), or how to integrate everything so all involved are on the same page. I doubt I'm the best person to be making these decisions on my own, so I made an appointment with my prior counselor to see what she thinks. I'll also be reaching out to my case manager for some direction as well. I can honestly say I'm not my best advocate right now as I'm still struggling through quite a bit. After spending almost 24 hours in bed I'm realizing that I really don't have control over much at the moment. I know I can't give up, but part of my struggle is finding a plausible reason not to. I'm not sure if it's just withdrawal and isolation or if there might be some level of agoraphobia involved. While I'm not a pill popping, brandy swigging agoraphobe like Sigourney Weaver in Copycat, which I watched recently, I found that I related a lot to her character when it comes to the manifestation of symptoms. In the film she deals with her panic by reciting the Presidents in order. I'd try that but I'd have to study up on them since there's no way I could currently master it. I'm confident I'm not that bad, but at the same time there are periods or episodes where it really does apply. I guess this is all fodder for discussions about how I should be proceeding. I'm really hoping for something that will give me more long lasting relief. My appointment is tomorrow morning so we'll see where it might lead. As always, more to follow as things continue to progress.
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