I'm the fist to admit that I have never been good at praying. I guess unlike a lot of Christians I never developed the knack for really talking with God, what to say, whether to do it silently in my mind or speak the words out loud. I'm sure this is one of the reasons why I've never quite understood having a "personal relationship" with God like so many others profess. I do believe in God and definitely consider myself to be a Christian, but somehow I've never developed that feeling of just knowing God is with me always and just turning things over to Him (or Her). This past weekend, for the first time in a very long time, I prayed ... actually out loud ... for about 15 minutes. I was inspired to do so by a few things over the past week. First I had the pleasure of talking with a new friend who is Muslim and got the opportunity to ask a lot of questions about Islam, the differences between Sunni and Shia, and was able to get a better understanding of Muhammad and the Koran. A mutual friend gave me a copy of the Koran to check out. No, I have no intention of converting to Islam but I do want to understand it more. I also spent the evening with one of my very best friends, who also happens to be an Episcopal Priest and one of my most cherished spiritual role models, talking over a wonderful dinner and we discussed some of the things I had learned and also about good ways to observe the season of Lent. As we walked out to our cars I noticed the rare celestial event that places Mars right next to the moon for a couple of nights. When I pulled out of the parking lot I just felt compelled to thank God for his creation and for Julie and all the other special people in my life who support and encourage me. I hadn't turned the radio on as I normally do so I drove in the silence of muffled traffic noises and just started to talk to God out loud. I spoke a lot about gratitude and even more about asking forgiveness. Because I really want to reconnect with my spiritual side, I also petitioned for a sense of real presence in my life. I need to work on believing I'm worthy or good enough and that, regardless of anything I may have done or will do, God loves me. I'm not quite there yet but I'm hopeful that it will come in time.
This week is and will continue to be about follow ups after my recent inpatient stay. I met with my primary care doctor and made sure she was updated on everything that happened as well as new medications I'm taking now. She has always been so supportive and I appreciate and value her as the overall coordinator of my care. Today was my first day of IOP group and that went well. It seems like a great group of people and it's so good to be working with Joy again. I wish she also did private practice but I guess I can't have everything! Actually I love my individual counselor but haven't yet started back with her. I wanted to get somewhat settled before moving forward. One of the guys in group helps facilitate a peer support group that meets in my general neighborhood on Tuesday evenings. I'm glad I met him because I had considered this group before but held myself back because they meet at a very charismatic and fundamentalist church. I just knew that if the church was in any way involved with the group, my kind wouldn't be welcome and I would most likely burst into flames if I dared to enter the building. I was happy to learn that the group is in no way affiliated with the church and that they simply utilize a classroom space for the meetings. I don't know, I may still burst into flames, but I am going to attend and check it out! More to follow on that later. On Friday I have my post-discharge follow up with the nurse practitioner to finalize and renew my prescriptions for this new regimen. So far things seem to be going pretty well. I still have episodes and times when I'm hyper-emotional, but I know longer have that constant dread and helplessness hanging so heavily over my head. It's actually still there, but it's becoming less frequent and noticeable, which is a good thing. I was much more prepared for discharge this time as I no longer have the belief that I'm just cured and everything is better. Of course I'm not and I still have a mountain of issues and problems that I must work through. Thankfully, I am much more confident in the care team I have now, which I think makes everything just a little easier and more tolerable.
Finally, I am pushing myself this week to ponder a couple of things. It has been suggested that I would benefit greatly from a loving pet. I agree to a point that it would be wonderful. I've even started looking at dogs up for adoption. I am only considering small dogs and, of course, the breed with the greatest availability here in Arizona is the mighty Chihuahua. I always used to kind of get annoyed with them, especially if they are the yippy kind, but I've met a few now and have softened my negative feelings quite a bit. The idea of having a small dog that can pee and poop on a nice big puppy mat on my balcony is very appealing. I, of course, would take it to the dog park and with me in the car when I go out and about, but knowing I wouldn't have to be traipsing up and down the stairs several times daily for potty walks makes me feel more comfortable with the whole idea. Perhaps now is not the best time, as my sister suggests, and it might be better for me to be in a more stable situation before taking on such a commitment. I know she's right and that is a major factor, but I have also really gotten excited at the thought of having this living breathing being with me and providing the unconditional love and companionship that I think I want and need. It's a lot to think about but I'm going to continue looking until a final decision is made. I'm also trying to think about starting back to school and what I'd like to be studying. I'm not sure if I want to proceed with my MBA or switch to a program focused on communication and writing. I have narrowed those types of programs down to Northern Arizona University and Kent State University, both of which have online programs in communications. If I decide to continue toward my MBA I would stick with CTU, which is where I completed my BSBA. I'm hopeful that answers to these burning questions will work themselves out. Maybe what I should do is just turn it over to God and let him open the right doors and lead me on the right path. Actually, I think I should be doing that for everything, but as I stated earlier I'm still working on that!
This week is and will continue to be about follow ups after my recent inpatient stay. I met with my primary care doctor and made sure she was updated on everything that happened as well as new medications I'm taking now. She has always been so supportive and I appreciate and value her as the overall coordinator of my care. Today was my first day of IOP group and that went well. It seems like a great group of people and it's so good to be working with Joy again. I wish she also did private practice but I guess I can't have everything! Actually I love my individual counselor but haven't yet started back with her. I wanted to get somewhat settled before moving forward. One of the guys in group helps facilitate a peer support group that meets in my general neighborhood on Tuesday evenings. I'm glad I met him because I had considered this group before but held myself back because they meet at a very charismatic and fundamentalist church. I just knew that if the church was in any way involved with the group, my kind wouldn't be welcome and I would most likely burst into flames if I dared to enter the building. I was happy to learn that the group is in no way affiliated with the church and that they simply utilize a classroom space for the meetings. I don't know, I may still burst into flames, but I am going to attend and check it out! More to follow on that later. On Friday I have my post-discharge follow up with the nurse practitioner to finalize and renew my prescriptions for this new regimen. So far things seem to be going pretty well. I still have episodes and times when I'm hyper-emotional, but I know longer have that constant dread and helplessness hanging so heavily over my head. It's actually still there, but it's becoming less frequent and noticeable, which is a good thing. I was much more prepared for discharge this time as I no longer have the belief that I'm just cured and everything is better. Of course I'm not and I still have a mountain of issues and problems that I must work through. Thankfully, I am much more confident in the care team I have now, which I think makes everything just a little easier and more tolerable.
Finally, I am pushing myself this week to ponder a couple of things. It has been suggested that I would benefit greatly from a loving pet. I agree to a point that it would be wonderful. I've even started looking at dogs up for adoption. I am only considering small dogs and, of course, the breed with the greatest availability here in Arizona is the mighty Chihuahua. I always used to kind of get annoyed with them, especially if they are the yippy kind, but I've met a few now and have softened my negative feelings quite a bit. The idea of having a small dog that can pee and poop on a nice big puppy mat on my balcony is very appealing. I, of course, would take it to the dog park and with me in the car when I go out and about, but knowing I wouldn't have to be traipsing up and down the stairs several times daily for potty walks makes me feel more comfortable with the whole idea. Perhaps now is not the best time, as my sister suggests, and it might be better for me to be in a more stable situation before taking on such a commitment. I know she's right and that is a major factor, but I have also really gotten excited at the thought of having this living breathing being with me and providing the unconditional love and companionship that I think I want and need. It's a lot to think about but I'm going to continue looking until a final decision is made. I'm also trying to think about starting back to school and what I'd like to be studying. I'm not sure if I want to proceed with my MBA or switch to a program focused on communication and writing. I have narrowed those types of programs down to Northern Arizona University and Kent State University, both of which have online programs in communications. If I decide to continue toward my MBA I would stick with CTU, which is where I completed my BSBA. I'm hopeful that answers to these burning questions will work themselves out. Maybe what I should do is just turn it over to God and let him open the right doors and lead me on the right path. Actually, I think I should be doing that for everything, but as I stated earlier I'm still working on that!
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