For those that have followed my story from the beginning, well at least from when I started this exercise in flexing my writing muscles, it has probably become apparent that there has been and will continue to be a great deal of work that needs to be done on both current and past issues and traumas, some of which have been buried very deeply, suppressed either consciously or otherwise, and some even blocked out altogether but never dealt with and resolved. As I have been trying to tackle these obstacles step by step I came to the realization that my life has been somewhat fragmented and compartmentalized into sections that seemingly have no relation to one another, at least on the surface. Thinking about this concept many things started to become clear for the first time. Subsequently, it seemed to me that no one, including myself, was wholly aware of all of the puzzle pieces and how they fit together to make up who I truly am as a person. I suddenly have this picture in my mind of me sitting at a large table completely covered in hundreds of jigsaw pieces but they are all blank. I am left trying to figure out how they all relate to one another and what meaning they have both individually and as what I hope will be the completed picture, not only just for myself but also in the eyes of my family and friends. There is also the question of what the future implications are and how everything bears on the direction my life will take from here. I don't mind admitting now that this work that I've begun isn't easy and comes with a great deal of pain, sometimes more than I think I can handle. Once in a while I envision myself finding a few pieces that fit and make sense, and at other times getting so frustrated that I just scramble them around the table and hoping for a little luck. Hey, even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while!
I identify so much with what the image I've attached has to say about transparency. I know that everyone, to one extent or another, lives behind a mask that hides at least some part of them that only gets shared with a select few, but for me this concept unearths a different truth. In my situation I am discovering that there is not just one mask but many. With some people, the mask hides everything and acts as a barrier of protection until I trust someone enough to start revealing bits and pieces. That may sound familiar to most folks as there is a certain healthy reservation in letting new people in to every crack and crevice of their lives. Of course I'm not advocating for complete disclosure to anyone and everyone that might walk by, that's not it. These thoughts I'm having refer to parts of my life that I feel I should be more open about and share with family and friends that are close to me. Only then can they see the true picture that makes up Tom. I suppose my first step toward transparency to the general public is this blog. While some may find what I write about to be over sharing, I feel like if what I have to say reaches and helps just a few people or even one, then it's worth my brutal honesty about what I'm going through and experiencing. I'm sure there are people out there somewhere who suffer in silence out of shame or embarrassment and think they are the only one experiencing the emptiness and despair of depression. It is only through people like me being public about it that will help bring an end to the stigma that still remains attached to mental illness. There is a certain safety and comfort in numbers and the more people find those who share the same struggles and realize the are not alone, the more they understand, seek the help they need, and crush the myths and misconceptions.
My second step in gravitating toward more transparency took place on Facebook. There is a phenomenon many people participate in that's referred to as Throw Back Thursdays (TBT) where people share photos from years past, whether it's an old class photo from school, a baby picture, or even just a photo showing how wild the clothes and hair were in the 80's. I had never really participated much, but this last week I posted some photos of my alter ego from a couple decades ago when I was performing around the Midwest as a female impersonator. Those were such good times and to this day I have the fondest of memories of some of the crazy and wild things I did back then. I also competed in a number of pageants and won a few, one of which took me to nationals. I was, and continue to be proud of those accomplishments, but it was never something I shared with many people after I quit. I guess I assumed it would be viewed as odd or I'd be placed into a particular stereotype and judged accordingly. Perhaps I would have been some time ago, but found that sharing this aspect of my life experience has deepened some of my friendships and relationships. I guess it is through sharing things like this and not hiding for fear of repercussions that allows people to see beyond my mask and develop a greater understanding of what made me the person I am today. While I'm sure there will always be some level of discretion with what I share and with whom, just as anyone should, I am learning that the more I practice openness and honesty the better and more close my friendships and family relationships become. Along with this sharing comes a great sense of appreciation and gratitude for all of those people who love and accept me unconditionally. Were it not for all of them, I dare say I wouldn't even be here to share my stories! For that I am truly thankful!
I identify so much with what the image I've attached has to say about transparency. I know that everyone, to one extent or another, lives behind a mask that hides at least some part of them that only gets shared with a select few, but for me this concept unearths a different truth. In my situation I am discovering that there is not just one mask but many. With some people, the mask hides everything and acts as a barrier of protection until I trust someone enough to start revealing bits and pieces. That may sound familiar to most folks as there is a certain healthy reservation in letting new people in to every crack and crevice of their lives. Of course I'm not advocating for complete disclosure to anyone and everyone that might walk by, that's not it. These thoughts I'm having refer to parts of my life that I feel I should be more open about and share with family and friends that are close to me. Only then can they see the true picture that makes up Tom. I suppose my first step toward transparency to the general public is this blog. While some may find what I write about to be over sharing, I feel like if what I have to say reaches and helps just a few people or even one, then it's worth my brutal honesty about what I'm going through and experiencing. I'm sure there are people out there somewhere who suffer in silence out of shame or embarrassment and think they are the only one experiencing the emptiness and despair of depression. It is only through people like me being public about it that will help bring an end to the stigma that still remains attached to mental illness. There is a certain safety and comfort in numbers and the more people find those who share the same struggles and realize the are not alone, the more they understand, seek the help they need, and crush the myths and misconceptions.
My second step in gravitating toward more transparency took place on Facebook. There is a phenomenon many people participate in that's referred to as Throw Back Thursdays (TBT) where people share photos from years past, whether it's an old class photo from school, a baby picture, or even just a photo showing how wild the clothes and hair were in the 80's. I had never really participated much, but this last week I posted some photos of my alter ego from a couple decades ago when I was performing around the Midwest as a female impersonator. Those were such good times and to this day I have the fondest of memories of some of the crazy and wild things I did back then. I also competed in a number of pageants and won a few, one of which took me to nationals. I was, and continue to be proud of those accomplishments, but it was never something I shared with many people after I quit. I guess I assumed it would be viewed as odd or I'd be placed into a particular stereotype and judged accordingly. Perhaps I would have been some time ago, but found that sharing this aspect of my life experience has deepened some of my friendships and relationships. I guess it is through sharing things like this and not hiding for fear of repercussions that allows people to see beyond my mask and develop a greater understanding of what made me the person I am today. While I'm sure there will always be some level of discretion with what I share and with whom, just as anyone should, I am learning that the more I practice openness and honesty the better and more close my friendships and family relationships become. Along with this sharing comes a great sense of appreciation and gratitude for all of those people who love and accept me unconditionally. Were it not for all of them, I dare say I wouldn't even be here to share my stories! For that I am truly thankful!
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