Lida Rose ... I'm Home Again Rose

Back home and resting somewhat comfortably on yet another regimen, but for some reason and out of a deep sense of hope and encouragement I do believe I'm back on a familiar and positive path.  What an experience it is to try and traverse the seemingly in-navigable and often tumultuous waters of the mental health system.  Am I simply picking up where I left off?  No sirree!  But I am certainly bringing all of the knowledge and tools I've learned heretofore on this slightly different path.  Well, I guess it was more like coming to a fork in the road than selecting an entirely new direction, but I found out the hard way that a course correction was sorely in order.  For those not immediately in the know, I found myself once again spiraling downward toward the depths of despair that I've become intimately acquainted with these past months.  Rather than staring down the barrels of loaded syringes as I had before, I did the right thing and finally admitted to a few close to me what was going on and where I was emotionally and physically.  I had not only plummeted into a cavernous depression once again, but also found my blood sugar was also completely out of control.  No doubt the diabetic issues contributed to my overall sense of well being, but that certainly wasn't the only root cause.  When I was taken, voluntarily I might add, to the emergency room we discovered my blood sugar was hovering around 500.  For some people this would be coma inducing range, but thankfully I'm of hearty stock and was still ambulatory and somewhat conscious when I walked through the doors.  I was admitted to a medical and telemetry floor for a couple of days while things were brought under reasonable control, thanks to more than one IV push or insulin at the onset.  Once medically stabilized it was decided that I should be transferred to a behavioral health unit to focus on the remaining issues still swirling around me.  There are a number of facilities that provide inpatient treatment and the system is designed so that a person ends up at whatever location has an available bed.  While my prior experiences were within the Banner system, this time I was sent to another freestanding facility with which I was unfamiliar.  The admitting process was a bit daunting since I wasn't quite sure what to expect.  I knew enough to wear clothing that would not pose any risks like drawstrings, belts and shoelaces.  It's quite funny to me since I would never consider hanging or any other such violent or painful means of suicide, but I also recognize that it wasn't only my own welfare that was being taken into account but rather the other coo coo's in the nest.  I've learned that everyone has their own individual triggers or ideations so who am I to question the rules?  It turned out that everything was pretty much the same as my prior stays and I settled into the routine fairly quickly.

Aurora Behavioral Health turned out to be a pretty good place to be, although like anywhere it had its disadvantages.  Speaking as a long time and truly addicted smoker, I was able to overlook most of the drawbacks as a trade off for being able to continue my habit.  It is one of the only facilities that allows smoking, outdoors of course.  At my prior two treatment locations there was absolutely no smoking, even outside anywhere on the property, so being able to proceed in damaging my lungs probably irreparably helped me to focus even more on the treatment being provided.  As usual the days were filled with group and individual sessions, trips to the cafeteria for meals, jaunts to the outdoor smoking and recreation facilities, the dispensing of medications, minimal free time, and sleep.  Aurora was somewhat different in how they administered the groups and encouraged peer support and self examination, but it was not totally foreign to me and added to what I have learned so far about myself and this terrible disease that impacts so many people.  They provided a great foundation from which to launch another round of intensive outpatient treatment.  As I've come to know and understand, this was only a jumping off point and that there is still a great deal of work to do going forward.  It's certainly not going to be as easy as I thought it would be when I started this journey, but the more I work with my care team and support system the more I feel encouraged and empowered to do what is necessary to overcome and manage my depression more effectively and successfully.  I am once again also blessed with additional friends and comrades that I had the pleasure of getting to know during my stay and hope to keep in contact with.  There is something very special about sharing that bond with someone who is experiencing the same or similar circumstances and supporting each other along the way.  We each come with our own unique stories, but the commonality of battling depression and anxiety that can be crippling and lead to either thinking about or actually attempting actions that are too horrific and final to contemplate or imagine brings mutual understanding and a level of support that is invaluable in recovery.  I owe one staff member a special debt of gratitude.  A nurse named Jim took the time to get to really know me and helped to guide me along the way.  We had some intense and powerful discussions that led to some significant insights and understanding as well as some direction for possible opportunities I might consider for my life.  He might never know or understand what impact his patience and caring had on me but he will always be in my thoughts and prayers of thanksgiving and gratitude.

I also need to take a moment here and express my undying love and appreciation for my friends and family who have staunchly stood by me throughout this whole process.  This period was especially difficult because of the very limited contact I was able to have with the outside world during my stay that prevented me from communications with many of those who offered their love and support to me.  I know that I have not always been able to be as good a friend or brother as I should be in return, and often contemplate what is is that keeps them hanging in there with me and not giving up on what I view in myself sometimes as an ongoing lost cause.  I'm trying to make the necessary changes to alter that and I pledge to do my best at becoming more successful at managing my life in such a way that will allow me to reciprocate those very special bonds that tie us together.  I only hope that they are confident in the knowledge that I do love and care about each and every one of them so very much, regardless of wherever I might be in my process of recovery.  I will never be able to adequately express my unyielding gratefulness and appreciation to all of them.  I can only pledge that I will work diligently to not only continue to improve and manage my own illness, but also to be that better friend and brother worthy of everything they have done and the love and support they continue to provide me.  I offer here in this humble submission my deepest thanks from the bottom of my heart.  I know that the sunshine and fertile soil they provide this struggling rose will allow me to hopefully  blossom into the beautiful and fragrant flower I want to become!