One of the homework packets I was individually assigned to work on from group has to do with guilt. I'm truly not surprised this was picked out for me as I know it's something I've been struggling with for a very long time. For as long as I can remember I've always felt guilty for many things and for a multitude of reasons, or at least so I thought. I had never really considered it before, but I've come to learn that there is a big difference between guilt and shame. Guilt has much more to do with something I've done and feel bad about, while shame is a wholly different animal, having more to do with labeling myself in a certain negative way. Thoughts along the lines of me being a failure or being unworthy and undeserving are manifestations of shame rather than guilt. Actually it becomes a self defeating vicious circle where guilt feeds shame and vice versa. They end up feeding each other until reaching a critical mass where everything collapses into a giant black hole. Even the recovery process can lead to these feelings. I experience guilt for needing help and then subsequently feel shame for being a lost cause of a person. No, I don't feel that way now, but I sure did, very deeply so. Once you get caught in the whirling vortex of guilt and shame it becomes very difficult to escape. It takes work like this, processing through these emotions and feelings to determine the negative and destructive self talk and begin to challenge it. I'm not sure why it was so surprising to me, but one of my discoveries has been that shame is a very common consequence of being a victim of sexual abuse. It certainly makes sense that experiences like that would certainly yield shame, but what I didn't understand is that shame stemming from abuse spills over in all sorts of other and seemingly unrelated ways. I definitely have more thinking and processing to do on that as I still don't completely understand, but I guess awareness is the first step on the journey. Now that I've come to this realization I can start working on identifying which is which and begin the process of preventing one from feeding the other in hopes of finally breaking that cycle.
I feel like I've had a lot to feel guilty and shameful about these past few months but I've been slowly trying to retrain my thinking and realize that the things that make me feel this way are actually opportunities and blessings in one form or another. I've been down this road a number of times so this isn't my first time at the rodeo, as Joan Crawford would say, so I guess the biggest aspect that brings shame is just that fact. I tell myself that it shouldn't be this way and that I should just be able to get better and move on more quickly. All those glorious things that pop into my head telling me that it ought to be another way and I must just be a lost cause. Joy, our group facilitator, has a great expression that speaks to me. She says we all need to stop shoulding all over ourselves and quit musterbating. Now that's some advice I can really relate to. I've started to catch myself when I start to think I should or shouldn't do something or be a certain way and remember that I'm just shoulding on myself and need to stop it. Yes, it might be nice if things were different but they don't necessarily have to be. Circumstances are not an indicator of falling short of what should be, but rather just are. The sooner I can firmly embrace this concept the better off I'll be. I'm starting to grasp it and am continuing to practice! I've encouraged my support system to point out when I start shoulding on myself to help with my mindfulness and recognize those times I might miss on my own. They do pretty well at keeping me in check. Every day I feel stronger and more back to normal, whatever that is. I'm finally starting to feel like my old self but with an entirely new sense of purpose. For the first time in, I don't know, forever, I'm beginning to like the person I'm becoming and who I am already. This is a huge step for me. I don't think my self esteem has been higher than it's becoming now, though I still have to work diligently on improving it even more. The learning packet I worked through covering guilt and shame truly did me a world of good. I understand now where it comes from and am developing some real coping skills directed at overcoming them. Again, it doesn't mean they've magically disappeared, but recognition and understanding are the first steps in conquering these negative emotions and feelings that have torn me down from the inside for so long. I'm beginning to think these skills I'm learning should be taught in every middle and high school. If this had only been a required class when I was trodding through secondary education, my adulthood might have been wholly different! But I'm getting there now, maybe as a late bloomer but I'm sure it still counts!
I feel like I've had a lot to feel guilty and shameful about these past few months but I've been slowly trying to retrain my thinking and realize that the things that make me feel this way are actually opportunities and blessings in one form or another. I've been down this road a number of times so this isn't my first time at the rodeo, as Joan Crawford would say, so I guess the biggest aspect that brings shame is just that fact. I tell myself that it shouldn't be this way and that I should just be able to get better and move on more quickly. All those glorious things that pop into my head telling me that it ought to be another way and I must just be a lost cause. Joy, our group facilitator, has a great expression that speaks to me. She says we all need to stop shoulding all over ourselves and quit musterbating. Now that's some advice I can really relate to. I've started to catch myself when I start to think I should or shouldn't do something or be a certain way and remember that I'm just shoulding on myself and need to stop it. Yes, it might be nice if things were different but they don't necessarily have to be. Circumstances are not an indicator of falling short of what should be, but rather just are. The sooner I can firmly embrace this concept the better off I'll be. I'm starting to grasp it and am continuing to practice! I've encouraged my support system to point out when I start shoulding on myself to help with my mindfulness and recognize those times I might miss on my own. They do pretty well at keeping me in check. Every day I feel stronger and more back to normal, whatever that is. I'm finally starting to feel like my old self but with an entirely new sense of purpose. For the first time in, I don't know, forever, I'm beginning to like the person I'm becoming and who I am already. This is a huge step for me. I don't think my self esteem has been higher than it's becoming now, though I still have to work diligently on improving it even more. The learning packet I worked through covering guilt and shame truly did me a world of good. I understand now where it comes from and am developing some real coping skills directed at overcoming them. Again, it doesn't mean they've magically disappeared, but recognition and understanding are the first steps in conquering these negative emotions and feelings that have torn me down from the inside for so long. I'm beginning to think these skills I'm learning should be taught in every middle and high school. If this had only been a required class when I was trodding through secondary education, my adulthood might have been wholly different! But I'm getting there now, maybe as a late bloomer but I'm sure it still counts!
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