Group ... Party of One!

Today's group wasn't really much of a group at all.  Actually, I was the only person that showed up besides the facilitator and her intern.  Needless to say I was the center of attention so it felt much more like an individual therapy session with two therapists rather than group.  It was truly a party of one today.  I had an opportunity to share what I learned from my packet on guilt and, given my observations that shame plays a big part in my struggles, I've now been assigned another packet dedicated solely to shame.  The lack of other participants also allowed for what seemed to be limitless time to bring up and process through some of the memories that came up for me while working on the guilt packet.  At one point I expressed not liking the fact that it was just me today as I couldn't escape from the limelight and had to keep plowing through all the emotions that came pouring out, but it was another day of revelations and realizations for me and we got to really delve into how a few traumatic experiences from the past have shaped the person I've grown to be.  No, it wasn't all about the sexual abuse and I feel like I've, at least for now, talked enough about that topic in some of my prior postings.  Rather than anything so obvious, a couple things surfaced that I had not given much thought to since they happened, but now in hindsight I can see what impact they have had on me over the years.  The topic we started on Monday and continued today really hammered home these two situations and how they relate.  We've been talking about validation in the context of communication and relationships and how being invalidated can lead to feelings of inadequacy and diminished self esteem.  Thinking back to my younger years I recalled two time periods where I specifically felt invalidated as a person.  First, as a student at my local public high school I was mercilessly bullied to the point of having to change schools because the administration refused to take any action, and second, my last year as parade chairman with the Holmes County Antique Festival when I was a young adult.  Both experiences, for different reasons, left me feeling beaten down and demoralized.  Both circumstances, now that I've had a chance to process through them in the therapeutic setting, have had far reaching implications throughout my personal and professional life.

As a freshman at West Holmes High School in rural Holmes County, I felt like somewhat of an outcast, a person tormented by my own demons of being fat and trying to understand the feelings I was having about my sexual orientation.  At that time I really didn't even know what it meant to be gay.  As far as I knew I was the only one going through such a thing and I was convinced no one understood or shared my experience.  I had become pretty sexually active behind closed doors with a number of classmates and even a teacher or two, which I've come to understand is pretty common for someone who suffered sexual abuse as a young child.  I actually started to have regular, sometimes daily encounters from about the third and fourth grade that continued throughout my secondary education years.  What became so confusing for me is that most of the people I was involved with in secret were the same people who bullied and hounded me in public to the point that I didn't want to go to school at all.  I think I missed over a hundred days my freshman year as I had gotten to the point of feigning illness, along with manifestations of depression, withdrawal and isolation.  I just couldn't face those people on a daily basis, and since many of them were star athletes and part of the popular set, the administration pretty much refused to take any action or do anything about it at all.  It became obvious to me that I wasn't worth being stood up for and wasn't valuable enough to be cared about by anyone but my immediate family.  How could I have felt any other way?  I knew it must have been because of being the fat kid and knowing that people must have at least assumed I was gay.  I suppose there were obvious signs for people to read and interpret, and they did so correctly, but I wish I would have had a better understanding myself.  I don't know that my parents knew how to help me or how to deal with such a thing.  God knows they had been through just about every other kind of crisis or scenario with my older siblings, but this was so different.  It goes without saying that times were so incredibly different then, and being gay was not only never spoken about but was also just down right wrong, bad, abhorrent, disgusting.  With such a community viewpoint it became hard not to think and believe that I was all of those things as a person and I didn't hold out much hope that there was anything I could do about it.  No one was there to stand up for me or on my behalf and I'm sure even my parents had no idea how to do so.  The only solution seemed to be changing schools to a private Mennonite high school where one of my brothers went.  While it was much less fraught with physical and emotional bullying, I certainly didn't fit in there either and had difficulty forming any true friendships with anyone.  I remained an outsider in my own adolescence, alone and completely misunderstood, not accepted as part of any group.  Needless to say these were some of the most lonely times of my life.

A few years after graduating from high school I got involved with the local festival held in my hometown of Millersburg, Ohio.  The Holmes County Antique Festival had held a special place in my heart my whole life.  I had actually been born during the parade, the doctor who delivered me was along the parade route watching and periodically calling the hospital to see if Mom was ready.  Because the event always fell on or around my birthday, it became my celebration every year to mark the occasion.  When I was little I thought surely they held the festival just for me.  It became so ingrained as part of my birthday festivities that I was excited to actually become part of the organization that put it on every year.  I took on the role of Parade Chairman and had a blast the first year organizing all of the float and marching band entries from around the state and even arranged for the University of Akron band to perform on the courthouse lawn and participate in the parade itself. The band was so large it took up almost two blocks as they marched down through Millersburg.  I just couldn't have asked or dreamed for anything more! I got smashing reviews as the coordinator and the crowds lining the streets stood and applauded as the end of the parade passed them.  The following year, however, was a much different and more traumatic experience.  I had arranged for even more bands to come and it was decided that we could raise additional funds by holding a band show at the high school football stadium following the parade.  Unfortunately it had rained leading up to that weekend and even a little on the morning of the event, so the field was muddy and not in good enough condition to continue. Part of the agreement for using the high school facilities included being responsible for any damage done to the field itself.  I had to make the decision, after discussion with some of the band directors, to cancel the band show.  Two of the participating high school bands wanted to perform anyway so they proceeded with their shows, which in hindsight I shouldn't have allowed, but no damage was done.  The lack of funds raised, however, put the committee behind financially.  One of the women on the committee, who turned out to be an evil bitch in general, put me through hell afterward and pretty much forced me to issue public apologies to the community and to each of the bands participating in the events of the weekend.  She had supposedly gotten threatening phone calls from band parents outraged that the show was cancelled and there were even suggestions of death threats.  Yes, I know that sounds absolutely ludicrous for something as meaningless as a local festival, but it happened nevertheless.  I was forced to resign from the committee in shame and never had anything to do with the festival again.  What had once been the celebration of my birthday I looked forward to each year had suddenly become one of my biggest failures, or at least I was so convinced it was.  Once again, there was no one bold enough to stand up for and support me.  The rest of the committee members remained silent, perhaps out of fear caused by this one unbalanced woman or maybe because they agreed.  I felt completely invalidated and it wasn't long after this that I left Millersburg for the last time as a resident.  I simply couldn't be part of a community that I believed so strongly didn't care at all about me whatsoever, and I still harbor feelings of hatred and regret when I think about growing up and living there for as long as I did.

Working through the emotions these experiences left with me and that I so recently unearthed from deep down inside myself today in group have helped me to recognize some of the implications they have had on my life since then as well.  Looking with greater scrutiny at my professional career development over the years I've come to realize that I shy away from leadership positions or situations where I am responsible for big decisions.  The sense of failure and ostracism I experienced resulting from both high school and the last year of my chairmanship with the Antique Festival has left me afraid to take risks and be a decisive person in general.  Even once I found and got involved with the gay community I always expected to be rejected.  I had learned so well that acceptance wasn't something I was good enough to experience.  Little did I know at first that the level of superficiality and judgment was exponentially amplified within that group.  Only the well built beautiful people seemed to matter, just like in high school, and being the ever present fat boy with the nice personality didn't get me anywhere except as the comic relief.  I also continue to have a difficult time with decision making, at least when there are huge consequences at stake, and I have avoided having to be in those situations.  Now, as I am approaching fifty and am still trying to figure out what it is I want for myself and where I fit in and belong, I know that I have to work toward being willing to take on greater levels of responsibility and get comfortable with the fact that I'm a capable and experienced person perfectly able to make well educated and sound decisions.  As I progress forward in my professional career path I hope to gradually practice this decision making ability on a more broad canvas.  Like any skill, it takes practice to get more comfortable.  The same can be said for my sense of worth and value.  I'm truly beginning to feel more empowered and strong, for perhaps the first time in my life, at least that I can remember.  It's not so much whether someone accepts me for who I am, but how I feel about it.  I'm slowly learning that my own sense of self worth doesn't have to be defined by others but by me.  I've spent too much time thinking everyone had to like me that I never learned to like myself.  My validity as a person always depended on someone else providing the validation.  Now I'm beginning to understand that I must self-validate so that I can work on loving myself for who I am and what I have to offer the world.  I know that's a lot of work to be done, but the time has finally come to get the job done!  So, you see, it was a fortuitous April Fool's day when my group turned out to be just me.  I guess it turned out to be so metaphoric it just couldn't be ignored!  With the possibilities I'm currently exploring, I'm beginning to genuinely look forward to experience the progress I plan on making.  The time has come to finally come into my own and I can only hope that there's enough time left to enjoy it to the fullest!