Heeding the Road Signs at Life's Crossroads

Have you ever come to a certain point in your life that you look back and realize that you thought things would be so much different than they actually turned out?  This past few months, intertwined with all of the other things I've been working through, I've been thinking a lot about what might have been.  Maybe that's a healthy thing, or maybe it's an exercise in futility and only causes more damage than anything, but nevertheless I decided to document some of the unfinished paths and roads not taken.  There are, of course, results that I'm truly grateful for, while other outcomes have been less than ideal.  I suppose the same could be said by many people.  I have always had such jealousy toward those who found their calling and followed their passion from the beginning, truly feeling they never really "worked" a day in their lives because of the love they have for their vocation.  I wish that had been the case for me.  Right now, and as I've expressed in prior postings, I really feel led to see where my writing and communication skills can take me, whether it is within the business world that I currently reside, or maybe in some other aspect of writing that will lead to a New York Times best seller and a Pulitzer Prize.  Who knows where I might end up, but I have to say that I can't help but wish I would have discovered this talent years ago.  Well, I take that back.  What I should say is that I wish I had listened when others gave me feedback on my writing skills and advised me that they think I should be a writer.  I always blew off compliments of that sort because I guess I never recognized in myself what others seem to have noticed.  Now that I've really started to pay more attention to practicing the written word, such as here on this blog, I've begun to solicit feedback from some of my readers and have really found their comments valuable and validating.  I was surprised recently when a friend asked me how long it took to write one of my recent posts.  When I told them it took about 30 to 45 minutes they seemed astounded.  I had never given that aspect of my writing any real thought.  Whether it has been writing a paper for academia or sitting down to write about whatever I might be thinking or feeling at that moment, the words just sort of flow for me.  It was only when my friend said that she always found writing to be a very time consuming and laborious process, and that she admired my ability to whip something together so quickly, that I began to realize that I may just have a genuine talent.  I suppose I should start to celebrate that more than I have in the past, recognizing what I do well and giving myself credit for actually being good at something!

When I sit back and analyze all the different things I've tried and either not completed or failed at, I end up with a pretty long list.  I remember in junior high school having to participate in career day, where you go spend a day with someone in a particular field you are interested in.  I chose to spend a day at my uncle's law practice because that seemed intriguing to me at the time.  I remember so vividly ending up being bored with the law but being fascinated by all the business machines the legal assistants used, the typewriters and copy machines, and even the L shaped desk at which they sat.  At the time I wondered if that meant I was more interested in clerical type work, but I suppose now that maybe that was merely foreshadowing the interest in writing and publication.  In high school I remember really enjoying learning to type, even though it was on those hideous and now obsolete manual beasts.  When I completed my diploma in medical assisting I recall especially excelling at transcription.  Was it because I liked to simply type?  I doubt it.  I can't see myself just typing for the sake of typing, even though I now do so by touch and average probably 60+ words a minute.  In the early years of my education there were no such things as computers, and I think that's one of the reasons I hated English composition so much was that I truly did, and still do, loath hand writing anything.  I don't find that I can literally write as fast or nearly as well as I can type, so I was always frustrated and discouraged when I had to write anything.  I think maybe if I had the tools we have today, like the laptop that I can't live without, I would have been a much better writer and student in general.  Perhaps had that been the case I could have seen how much joy I get seeing my thoughts appear word by word, flowing forth from my brain and down through my fingertips.  There is a definite amount of regret in not cultivating this passion for writing much earlier in my life.  Perhaps things would have turned out completely differently than they have.  Now don't misunderstand me, everything I've been through and either completed or left unfinished has made me the person I am today and this life has blessed me with incredible friends and family relationships, none of which I can either complain about or regret at all.  I just feel that much of my life has been an exercise in wandering aimlessly trying to find where I fit in and what I truly wanted to do, who I genuinely wanted to be.  I can't help but feel like so much time has been wasted, that I should be at such a different place in my life than I actually am, especially when it comes to contentment and financial security.  OK, so I guess writers aren't always financially secure unless they are more well known, published and well reviewed, but maybe I would have been one of the lucky ones by now if I'd only recognized and cultivated this art form much earlier on.  As I'm now rapidly approaching 50, it seems like I don't have a lot of time left to really see where it can really take me.

I guess my advice to the younger generations, to my nieces and nephews, and to their children as well, is to always be mindful of what speaks to the soul, what the road signs at each of life's crossroads are indicating.  Feed the passion and do what brings the most joy and fulfillment, whatever that may be.  I look at my niece Aubrey's artwork and just stare in amazement at how talented she is.  It makes me so proud that she's recognized what she loves and is actively pursuing it to the fullest.  Yes, I'm a little jealous of her getting such an early start and really developing her artistic sensibilities at such a young age.  I know she will be a huge success and a renowned artist before before you know it.  Maybe I have that male gene that resists asking for directions or truly reading the road signs.  Maybe the male of the species just likes to figure it all out on their own no matter how lost they might be.  I know for myself that I've been lost for a long time, not really finding any full and deep satisfaction or fulfillment from anything I've done heretofore.  Yes, there have been jobs that I've been good at and have enjoyed.  Working with women who were beginning their healing journey overcoming breast cancer, for example, was exceptionally rewarding for me and I think my relationship building skills really had a chance to shine in that position.  Unfortunately the compensation was not at a sustainable level and there was little to no room for growth or advancement.  But even then I didn't feel as though I had truly found my niche.  I suppose some people are just late bloomers and I certainly have hopes that I fall into that category.  It would be nice to be doing something I love and having that feeling that it isn't really work at all.  Until that time comes, I have to stay focused on what will allow me to pursue those dreams.  First and foremost, a job that I at least enjoy and provides a salary that is self-supporting and sustainable, and second, pursuing an advanced degree in my area of interest which I'm working toward starting.  Yes, there are still hurdles and challenges to overcome and I have less time than someone in their 20's or 30's to accomplish what I want to, but I feel like I'm finally recognizing and heeding those road signs I have been ignoring for so long.  Here I am at another crossroad, but this time I feel confident I'll be choosing the right path and heading in the direction I need to be going ... finally!