In a previous posting I talked about guilt, shame and the difference between the two. One of the things I discovered is that most of the feelings I have deep down inside have much more to do with shame rather than guilt. Of course there are things I've done, actions I've taken that do produce those guilt emotions, but I'm learning that I've taken most of those individual things and turned them into labels about myself as a person. Rather than feeling guilty for something specific, which can be a normal occurrence when actions don't mesh with core values and lead to making amends when appropriate, I put on that cone of shame and add labels to myself in general. Labels like failure, worthlessness and inadequacy are just a few that come to mind. Just like the dog in Up, I don't particularly like wearing the cone of shame, often for long periods of time, and yet I'm the first one to put it on and add to the suffering my perceptions lead me to believe I deserve. As a matter of fact, I am still wearing some of them from early childhood that I've never been able to remove. For those who relate to this metaphor, why do we do this to ourselves? Is it just that we feel we deserve punishment that never ends? Do we wear these cones for all to see what bad and broken people we are? Perhaps there is some comfort in advertising our pain so that we can receive sympathy from those closest to us, those people who love us unconditionally even when they know we are wallowing in our own mire and not doing what we need to do in order to resolve and remove these shameful labels and move on. For those who endure friends and family that engage in such wallowing, I'm sure it becomes frustrating and tiresome to deal with. Yet even the perceived frustration of our nearest and dearest support system doesn't help to rid ourselves of the cone of shame we seem to wear so proudly, wanting to be validated for our negative and destructive self-talk. I recall so vividly my dad telling me that if I was looking for sympathy I could find it right between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. I guess that put some perspective on things, but it still hasn't allowed me to put aside the shames I've carried for so long. Participation in group is teaching me some invaluable tools I'm starting to practice that involve challenging those destructive core beliefs and reinforce those that are positive and build self-esteem.
Shame is an emotion that, as I've come to understand, is deeply rooted in childhood. As I think back on those formative years I can see so many situations that resulted in a buildup of shame over the years, from the sexual abuse at an early age to being overweight my whole life just to name a couple of things. Decades of not measuring up to peers either in academic or athletic prowess, being compared by both teachers and parents to the prior successes of my older siblings, and frequent periods of incessant bullying and being made fun of have all contributed to my feelings of shame and inadequacy. Some of these feelings are so deeply ingrained that it seems almost impossible to overcome and get past them. I guess the good news is that, since shame is a learned emotion resulting from experiences and judgement by myself and others, it can be unlearned. These concepts and tools we are working on in group are proving helpful to a point, but I'm also coming to accept that there are no quick fixes. Rather, it's going to be an ongoing process of deprogramming what has taken so long to establish and become like second nature. As odd as it may seem in today's more progressive leaning society, generally speaking, I think the biggest source of my shameful feelings stems from coming to terms with my sexual orientation. Having grown up in a place where it wasn't even acknowledged or talked about, it was difficult to say the least being different from everyone else and feeling like I was the only person experiencing those feelings. Obviously there were other people who dabbled enough for me to have ongoing encounters, but it was always completely hidden. I have not been able to become completely comfortable, even though times have changed so much from that time, and I'm sure the shame of being "that way" has stuck with me from a very early age. Challenging and disputing these beliefs I've held for so long is going to take some time and there's no doubt that it won't be easy, but I'm taking the first steps toward ridding myself of the debilitating shame that's led to feeling worthless as a person. There's some truth in the old adage that you have to love yourself before others can love you. Luckily I've been blessed with a core group of friends and family that have chosen to love me unconditionally without regard to how I feel about myself, but I also realize there's infinite room for improvement. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I've remained single all of my life, I haven't been able to love myself enough to accept that someone else might love me, at least in that special and intimate way. That's something I'd very much like to change so, along with all of the other equally important reasons, I'm glad that I've started down the path to a more healthy and positive self-image, free of the bondage that all of those cones of shame have had me in for far too long!
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