As I finish up the current phase of my recovery process this month I have come to an important realization that seems to be one of the root issues I need to work the most on. I have never truly been comfortable with myself, with who I am as a person, and with what I have and haven't accomplished in life. I've spent way too much time wishing I was someone else or longing for something different, even though I could never really pinpoint who or what that might be. People talk about being comfortable in their own skin, but I can't say that I've ever experienced that feeling. I've always felt like the odd man out, the outsider looking in, the voyeur on the sidelines of life. I guess in addition to being uncomfortable with myself, or perhaps because of it, I suffer from a great deal of social anxiety and fear. There are and have been many activities and situations that I simply avoided and never participated in. Looking back on the entirety of my life I can see so clearly now how this has been the case all along. I was always the fat kid, the subject of bullying and conjecture when it came to both my physical appearance and my manner, grappling with and trying to understand my sexual orientation. Having to leave public school after my freshman year and go to a private Mennonite high school for the remainder of my secondary education wasn't much help. While there was certainly less physical and emotional bullying there, I still just didn't fit in with the other students who already knew each other through church related youth groups and other activities. I wasn't Mennonite and couldn't relate to much of the culture I was trying so hard to be a part of. I guess it was because of these experiences that I have tried so hard to block out that period of life from my memory banks. The few bright spots were overwhelmingly overshadowed by the pain and isolation that grew exponentially over those formative years. These are some of the scars I have carried with me and worn on that skin that I'm supposed to be so comfortable in. I've come to see that every time I tried to write that "love yourself" in the sand, the waves kept crashing in and erasing any progress made toward internalizing and believing I was worth anything to anyone.
What has saddened me most in recent months is that it's taken me so long, well over forty years, to recognize and really begin to work on these issues. Prior to this point in my life it was only ever dealt with occasionally through medication or just sweeping it under the rug and carrying on as before. To me this means I've wasted much of my life cowering in a corner and being afraid to truly live, to experience things I wanted to but couldn't make myself try. It seemed I was content to settle for watching the world go by around me and live vicariously through others. This is something I'm hoping to make more progress with as I sit on the precipice of a new beginning and fresh start. Perhaps it's too late for me in some respects. Unfortunately I can never go back and reclaim my twenties and thirties, as much as I'd love to knowing what I know now, but I can certainly try to make the best of what fleeting time I have left in this world. Now I have no plans to go on some crazy binge trying to make up for lost time, but I do hope to be more open to new things, more social situations and activities, and strengthening current relationships as well as forging new ones. It has been interesting to me how social media like Facebook has reconnected me with people from high school. Some of the folks that have sent me friend requests have surprised me and I can't help but wonder sometimes where they were back then when I really could have used even one really good and true friend. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed reestablishing those connections. There have even been a select few who I've had the pleasure of opening up to and talking with about some of these things which has helped me to heal a few of those lingering scars, for which I am very grateful. Ultimately, though, I know that the task is mine and mine alone to really do the difficult repair work that will change my trajectory going forward. It is my skin I have to live in and it is that skin that I have to get comfortable with. No one else can do it for me and, as I've learned the hard way, no amount of encouragement or validation will make it happen until I make the decision to internalize it and genuinely believe in myself, who I am, and who I want to be. I have to bravely write it in the sand as many times as it takes, no matter how many waves wash it away. Surrender and defeat are not options, not anymore. The ebb tide will allow the imprint to last for a while, but I guess we all have those times when our affirmations are obliterated as soon as they are written. I just have to keep on writing until it is etched indelibly on my innermost being. Love yourself Tom, love yourself!
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