I can't believe it's been so long since I've sat down and actually written something. Two years have gone by in what seems like a blink. Here I am back in a bad place trying to work my way out of it again. I've just gotten out of a week long hospital stay to adjust medications and break my isolation and withdrawal cycle and I've started an intensive outpatient program that will get me out of the apartment and force me to interact with other people. After I moved out of my sister's and into my own place I crashed and burned. I'm sure it started well before the transition but moving was overwhelming and I just shut down altogether. Friends couldn't get me to go out at all, I totally quit taking care of myself and ended up cocooned on my couch having minimal contact with the outside world, not eating well, and smoking like a chimney. My friend Jackie, along with encouragement from my clinic case manager, got me to admit I needed to take action and took me to the hospital for a much needed admission. Increasing the dosage on one medication and adding a couple more to the mix seems to have helped with my anxiety and depression. I know drugs aren't the end all beat all and it's going to take work on my part to continue the progress. I've plugged into a good group that meets three times a week and I'm starting to force myself to get out more and be social. My friend Julie took me out to a really nice dinner at Carrabba's Monday night. It was the first time out in months and I didn't have any kind of meltdown or panic attack. I've also been somewhat productive at home in that I've gotten my health insurance squared away for next year. I'll have Obamacare for January and then I transition onto Medicare starting February first. I also joined AARP since I qualify now and between that and receiving my Medicare card in the mail I feel officially old. It seemed like a good idea to take advantage of the nice discounts and it's only $12 for the first year. I also get a nice bag as a welcome gift which will come in handy. I guess age has its advantages!
They say that those who don't learn from history are bound to repeat it. I guess I'm not learning very well because I keep ending up back where I started, having to be hospitalized and going through a reset of sorts. I've tried individual therapy on numerous occasions and have never really gotten anything out of it. I do seem to respond well to group therapy, maybe because there is more accountability when you have to answer to more than one person. The intensive outpatient program I'm involved in now seems like it is going to be a good thing and I hope to benefit more this time around. Some of the things I need to work on seem so simple yet I can't get a good grasp on them. People offer the advice that you just need to buckle down and "do it" yet I find myself paralyzed and unable to complete the steps I have to in order to get back on track. Why can't I just do it? I don't know. Things like taking a shower and getting cleaned up every day seem like impossible tasks right now. I'm embarrassed to admit that but maybe putting it out there in the universe will yield some kind of insight. I'm still living amongst boxes because it's too overwhelming for me to deal with unpacking and finding a place for everything. I have too much stuff and not enough space. It's easier to stick within my comfort zone and when the depression and anxiety get the better of me that zone means resorting to that cocoon on my couch. Am I doomed to keep repeating history? Am I beyond help when it comes to permanent progress? Sometimes the paralysis of mental illness leads me to believe that I am. All I can do is keep trying until I find something that works, keep resetting when I need to, and stick to a program that keeps me engaged with the outside world. For the latter I have to rely on friends and family to not give up on me. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm worth the effort, from myself and from others. That, too, is a work in progress, but I keep telling myself that I am! It's worth the fight no matter how many tries it takes to get the job done. I just hope I continue to have some fight in me. Pray that I do!
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