Today in group we discussed a really interesting topic having to do with the internal monologue that goes on in the brain and I very much connected with the content. The theory is based on transactional analysis of ego states and basically hypothesizes that there are three voices in play: The parent, the adult and the child, with each having variations. The parent could be either critical or nurturing; the child could be rebellious, adapted or free (Handout, Functional Ego States, Woollams and Brown,1978). The critical parent is judgemental and authoritarian while the nurturing parent is reassuring, caring, encouraging, supportive and understanding. The rebellious child is defiant and complaining, the adaptive is compliant and passive, whereas the free child is curious, energetic, fun-loving and spontaneous. The adult voice is the moderator being non-judgemental, open minded, interested, confident and based in reality. Going over the various voices I found I immediately identified most with the critical parent and the adapted child. The critic provides that constant negative self talk that says I'm not a good person, not worthy of love, and even that life is not worth living. The adapted child in me complies with these messages and passively accepts them as fact, causing me to withdraw from the world and cocoon myself from outside interactions and experiences. The other more positive and reasonable voices don't really exist for me right now. It is obvious to me that this is something that is important for me to work on and correct. All I'm dealing with at this point is the negative and self-destructive thoughts that tell me I'm simply not good enough. Why are we our own worst critic? Why is it so easy to grasp onto and believe the bad stuff so easily while we completely discard the good? Perhaps it comes from a lifetime of bullying, abuse of various kinds, and negative experiences that have chipped away at my self-esteem and self-worth. What is vital now is that I work to change these defeatist thought processes. If I don't I'm bound to continue the cycle of crashing and burning. That cycle has to end. There must be a better way!
To that end, I need to get in touch with my nurturing parent who will care for me, support and reassure me, and be understanding. Perhaps as a nurturer I can begin to counteract the critical parent so that I can reconnect with my free child. I have memories of being a free child when I was younger. I used to seek out adventures, was outgoing and actively sought new and interesting friends and experiences. I often wandered off on my own in order to do so and had no fear or misgiving. What happened to that kid? I guess I let certain people abuse me and fill my head with the feelings of being a bad person, not being normal, not being worth anything. I even have the vivid recollection of my dad telling me I'd never amount to anything, though I know he loved me in his own way. In many respects I proved him right, or at least lived up to those expectations. Throughout my life I've tried or started countless things that I never finished. I dropped out of nursing school, turned down and acceptance to a school of fashion design, attempted numerous traditional college experiences trying a number of different majors, but ended up failing to finish any of them. Most recently I've had two employment situations that I was not able to handle and have not been able to work for a while now. I did finally obtain my bachelor's degree just a few years ago but given my current circumstances it seems even that was a huge waste of time and a lot of money. So this is my starting point, or at least my most recent reset, where I begin again to tackle my inner monologue. I'm blessed to have a few great friends in my life that provide me with love, support and positive feedback and I need to start embracing rather than discounting that. Being a part of this group I'm in is a great place to begin working through some of these issues and start focusing on positive affirmations. I need to compartmentalize the past traumas and negative experiences and recognize that they are only a small part of a much greater whole. There is much more that went into making the person I am and I now must grab hold of the things that serve to improve and bolster my self-esteem rather than tear it apart. Finally, I have to nurture that adult voice in me so that I have the confidence and insight to ground myself in reality rather than get bogged down in the mire with what isn't true. I have to believe life is worth living and must begin to trust my friends and family that stick with me no matter what. I can only pray that God will give me the strength and endurance to see this through!
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