The Fallout of Sexual Abuse

It strikes me over the past few days how many people are coming forward with allegations of sexual abuse by someone famous.  It seemed to have started recently with the revelations about Harvey Weinstein but have now blossomed to include numerous other people including Kevin Spacey, Louis C.K., some right wing holier-than-thou Alabama Republican, and George Takei just to name a few.  Even a brave Anthony Edwards came forward to talk about his history of being sexually abused as a younger man.  All of the stories getting attention these days deal with either the Hollywood elite or some politician or other, but it should be remembered that some statistics show a sexual assault occurs every 98 seconds in the United States; every 8 minutes that victim is a child.  It happens everywhere.  Most people would be surprised that they know at least one person who has been a victim of sexual abuse.  I was born and raised in a small midwestern Ohio town and it happened to me throughout my entire childhood and adolescence.  As a survivor it amazes me how quickly people seek to blame or smear the victim, as if it's their fault somehow.  It actually makes my heart ache when the accused tries to turn the tables on the accuser.  I never revealed the identity of my abusers and never confronted them.  I don't even know who the first person was as I was only 4 years old.  All I remember is that it was an employee of my family at the time.  It would shock a hell of a lot of people in that small town if they knew what was going on behind closed doors and who was involved.  There was no one I could tell, no one I could go to for help without there being enormous implications for me and my family, not to mention the scandal that would have ensued.  I, like so many victims, suffered in silence.

No one who hasn't been through it can know the ramifications that come to someone who has been abused.  I certainly can't speak for all victims as no two situations are exactly alike, but I can tell you the kinds of things I felt and symptoms I experienced.  A classic sign of sexual abuse in children that I experienced was bedwetting indo late adolescence and even early adulthood.  I never knew why this was happening to me; it was only later in life that I discovered it was a normal symptom.  I guess in the 60's, 70's and 80's it was just less well known, not talked about or acknowledged.  From this manifestation alone I missed out on so much of my childhood, not being able to do sleepovers or go to camp like so many of my peers did.  I couldn't risk it being discovered as it would just add to the ridicule and bullying I experienced anyway being the fat kid in the crowd.  The abuse I went through even contributed to my having to change high schools after my failed freshman year.  This was the first time I was hospitalized with severe depression as well.  The initial trauma started a vicious cycle of questioning my sexuality and orientation.  I've battled for years coming to terms with being gay and often wondered if I was because of nurture versus nature.  Were my early childhood experiences the reason I'm gay or was it because I was, and was perceived as such, that the abuse happened the way it did?  Did my very being invite the abuse?  Even though times have changed so much of late and it's now accepted, for the most part, I still to this day have difficulties feeling completely comfortable being gay.  The trauma and abuse had such a major impact on how I view sexuality and relationships in general and I often wonder if this has been a contributing factor in never having developed any truly serious relationship with a significant other.  Has my inability to deal effectively with the past doomed my future?  The shame and guilt is never far away and self-blame is ever present.  Scars left behind never completely heal and it doesn't take much for old wounds to be reopened.

It's so easy to blame the victim; we blame ourselves every single day.  We take undue credit for our own role in being sexually assaulted and abused.  Our lives are forever changed, the memories are vivid, and the aftermath is all around us all the time.  It's because of what I've been through and experienced that I'm so glad to see so many people being brave and coming forward.  It isn't surprising that many of the accusations are from so long ago; it just goes to show how long the suffering lasts and how deeply the person has been impacted.  Maybe the general climate is finally changing and more and more people will stand up and be counted, make their voices heard.  Perhaps the explosion of publicity will embolden potential victims to not let it happen, not let someone get away with it.  Maybe more abusers need to be held accountable for their actions, by both criminal and civil means.  It would be nice to think we are on the precipice of this happening, that a zero tolerance policy is in place.  For now it seems we are still in the mode of blaming the assaulted and abused, smearing their names, claiming their motivations are political or monetary.  As for me, I know now that I'm not to blame, though this hasn't done away with the shame and guilt I still deal with on a daily basis.  Maybe the pain never truly goes away.  Sometimes I think having been abused is a life sentence I'm forced to endure and all that can be done is to learn to live with it in some positive manner.  They say trauma, like loss, is something you get used to but it never goes away, like learning to wear eyeglasses or a wedding ring, but it gets easier.  I spent so many years in denial and not working through it, I find now I'm still waiting for the easier part.  At this point I just have to keep reinforcing that I'm not to blame and hope it will take effect in some form.  I have to take things one day at a time!  If anyone reading this can relate or has abuse in their past or going on now, please reach out to someone who can help, whether it's a friend or counselor.  No one should have to suffer in silence; help is out there if you'll just take that first step.

National Sexual Assault Hotline:  800-656-4673