I Am ____________________

Anyone who knows me well knows that self-image is something I'm working on.  I don't have a high self-esteem or self-worth but am trying to change that.  We did a really interesting exercise in group today where we took a list of I am blank statements, put our name at the top and passed them around the room.  Each person filled in the blank on an I am statement based on how they saw the person whose paper it belonged to.  When the paper finally returned to the owner it was filled with I am statements that could be used as positive affirmations.  I admit I was more than humbled by what everyone filled in on my sheet.  They were statements I'd never say to myself, or at least never have up to this point.  Based on the responses, my peers found me to be supportive, sincere, genuine, kind, charming, honest, warm-spirited, smart, a great writer, courageous, inspiring, and compassionate.  While I agree with a few of these, I never view myself that way.  I'm so used to the negative self-talk that tears me down rather than builds me up.  Why is it we are so quick to discount the positive and highlight the negative?  Why can't we see ourselves through the eyes of others and realize our own self-worth?  We let society dictate how we should compare ourselves to the ideal and we just often just don't measure up.  But who's to say what that ideal should be?  We all can't be models, we aren't all heterosexual, and not everyone is meant to be married with a house, two cars and three kids.  When are we going to learn to appreciate the things that define us in reality rather than comparing ourselves to some unrealistic expectation?  We need to learn to celebrate diversity and realize that it is our differences that make us stronger as a whole.

My task to complete before the next session is to list some I am statements of my own.  Positive affirmations are hard for me; I don't know why.  My tendency is to focus on the negative self-talk and dismiss positive statements as either untrue or insignificant.  I read over the statements of my peers again and I admit it feels pretty good to hear how others view me, at least others who have had the opportunity to get to know me a little bit.  I realize the casual observer or total stranger wouldn't probably have that many things to say, positive or negative.  I gave it some thought and started to fill in my own blanks.  I am an old soul, kind, caring, loving, loyal, intelligent, tech savvy, worthy of love and respect, a good writer, and a good friend.  In looking over my list I also realized that most of these statements are things I value in others and need to start valuing in myself more.  I need to keep reminding myself of these things so they can start to sink in and take hold; so they can begin pushing the negative statements away and replacing them.  It's not going to be an easy or quick process.  Self- acceptance is not something I've ever been truly good at.  There have been so many negative experiences throughout my formative years.  Kids can be incredibly cruel and I don't think people realize just how deeply some of those messages become engraved seemingly in stone.  Chiseling away those old messages and negative experiences will take some time but I know the work is worth the effort.  Somewhere deep down I know I'm a good person.  The hardest statement I wrote was that I am worthy of love and respect.  Again, I know I am but often that fact becomes clouded and overshadowed; and sometimes it gets forgotten altogether.  As hokey as it seems sometimes, I have to practice these positive affirmations until I start to believe them wholeheartedly and can call on them whenever the destructive self-talk starts.  A few posts ago I talked about radical acceptance, accepting things as they are regardless of how they make me feel.  I think it's time I radically accept that I'm a great person with a lot to offer.  My shortcomings and issues don't define who I am.  I need to start recognizing them as mere speed bumps I have to get over.  I look forward to getting feedback in the next group session regarding how I did on this assignment.  I also need to realize that it's easy to simply write them down but it's a little harder to take them to heart.  That will remain, for now, a work in progress.