Radical Acceptance

There are many things in life we have absolutely no control over.  Circumstances like the weather, traffic and maybe even aspects of our jobs that can't be changed.  Practicing radical acceptance means accepting things as they are.  We can't control them, but we can control how we react.  I'm reminded of that ubiquitous saying it is what it is.  Some things just are as they are whether we choose to accept them or not.  Reality can certainly be in conflict with how we'd like things to be.  So why wouldn't someone accept reality?  Well there could be numerous reasons.  Take the death of a loved one.  It can be easier to believe it isn't true to avoid dealing with the pain and grief involved.  Radical acceptance simply accepts things as they are without judgement.  Acceptance doesn't equate with approval by any means.  The example that comes to mind most for me has to do with being gay.  People can accept the fact that I'm gay but they don't necessarily have to approve or condone it.  If they don't, it doesn't change the fact that I'm gay at all, it just means they have chosen to react to it in their own way.  Conversely, if someone doesn't approve of me being gay I can't change that fact, only how I react to or deal with it.  Maybe this is a bad example for some people, but it's one that's close to my heart.  There are many aspects of my life that I need to really practice this skill.  I'm guilty of thinking things aren't fair or feeling that things shouldn't be a certain way.  I've even seen and heard things that have made me think to myself that it cannot be true.  My apologies to my Republican friends, but I couldn't believe Trump got elected, for example, and I was in denial for a period of time after the election.  I had to come to terms with the outcome and definitely experienced the various stages of grief in the process.  I've had to accept the fact that I'm not able to work right now and recognize that even though this is the current reality that it could change in the future.  I'm working on accepting the limitations of my fixed income, at least for the time being, and what it means in terms of living day to day, check to check.  Just today I saw online that one of my Facebook friends had their home burn down to the ground and they lost everything.  I can't even begin to fathom what that would be like but I'm sure there would be disbelief on my part.  I wish there was something I could do for them other than offer thoughts and prayers.  That would have to be so difficult to accept what's going on and face the reality of having to start all over.  At some point reality settles in and that it is what it is phrase kicks in.  Practicing radical acceptance doesn't immunize us from feelings and emotions like devastation, sadness, anxiety or depression, but it allows us to face the reality of the situation and then deal with the consequences rather than trying to change what cannot be changed.  I'm not suggesting this skill is easy and I know, like anything, it takes a lot of practice.  I'm starting by catching myself and recognizing when I say such things as I can't believe this or this isn't fair; then turning those thoughts around to state what the reality is and starting to recognize how it makes me feel.  Only then can I deal with the feelings and emotions that come up rather than simply making the situation worse by being in denial.  They say practice makes perfect, but I'll settle for just some modest proficiency!