So yes, it's been quite a while since I've written anything. Somehow life and circumstances just get in the way. As much as I've loved pouring my heart out on these pages, I've often wondered who really reads or cares what I have to say, so in my own mind I gave it up for a time. I found that people started asking me recently when I was going to return to writing on my blog and I guess I just felt now was as good a time as any to post something given that I have a meaningful reason to do so. As some of you may already know I was recently in the hospital again for severe depression. This time around my doctor seemed more willing to consider ECT as a viable form of treatment since I appear to be somewhat resistant to pharmacotherapy and have required an increasing number of medications and at higher dosages to stabilize my mood and help alleviate some of the lingering suicidal thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. For reasons I will explain shortly ECT was excluded as a possible treatment option and I seem to be on a fairly effective combination of meds right now. As part of the physical workup leading to the final ECT determination it was discovered that I had changes in my EKG indicating that there was a possibility I had suffered a heart attack, though I was not aware of it at the time. This finding led to the recommendation for further testing and evaluation by a Cardiologist so, being the diligent patient, I followed up. The first step was to have an echocardiogram done which was somewhat inconclusive, so we moved on to a nuclear stress test. Luckily the doctor took pity on my and didn't subject me to the dreaded treadmill test. We decided on the chemical test instead which simulates exercise thus putting the heart muscle under the appropriate amount of stress so the nuclear material can do its thing. This test showed a moderately sized area of damage on the rear side of my heart and revealed that the efficiency of my heart's pumping action is on the low end of normal. Based on these findings the Cardiologist recommended following up with angiography, more commonly known as a heart catheterization, which I had done yesterday. The doctor had advised me that he might place stents based on what he found during the procedure, so I was prepared for that to possibly be the case. The test itself was rather surreal. I was prepped (shaved) to have the catheter inserted through my wrist but my groin was also prepared as a backup if the wrist turned out to not be a viable point of entry. I was taken into the surgical suite and placed on a table with my arm extended and taped down and both the wrist and groin draped and scrubbed for the procedure. I'm completely awake for all of this activity and trying my best not to let my anxiety get the better of me. I was promised happy juice would be administered once the doctor was ready to begin, but honestly I could have used it a little bit more in advance. I admit I'm a wimp when it comes to this kind of thing. Once the Cardiologist entered the room and said hello the drugs started flowing freely and I found myself drifting off into blissful oblivion. It didn't seem to be more than a few seconds that I was waking up and being given the bad news.
The procedure itself went off without incident and I don't remember any of it. My first memory was the masked face of the doctor letting me know it was over and that he had not placed any stents. He let me know he would come talk with me and my sister who so graciously offered to take me and be my support system for the day. Once in recovery she was brought back to sit with me. It wasn't too long before the Cardiologist popped in to have the dreaded talk. He pulled up a computer and brought up the video of my procedure to show me what results he found. As we looked at my heart pumping and dye being injected into the coronary arteries he started to point out the various areas of blockage that he found. As it turns out I have numerous blockages, a couple of which are up to 90%, in all three of my major coronary arteries. He went on to explain that because all of them were involved and I have other risk factors such as being diabetic, his recommendation was to follow up with a cardio-thoracic surgeon for further evaluation and possible open heart bypass surgery. I admit I'm still processing this information a day after having received it. The prospect of having such a major operation scares the hell out of me. I'm now waiting for the referral to be processed through my health insurance so that I can set up an appointment with the surgeon. The doctor explained that there was a possibility he may be able to place stents via catheterization which would require two separate procedures but it will depend solely on what the surgeon has to say, the mitigating circumstances and risk factors, and my own decision once I have all of the available information. I guess I was hoping for the best and not anticipating the worst case scenario. Spending the last 24 hours thinking about everything while I recovered from the drugs and having my arm in a splint so I couldn't bend my wrist I find that I really have nothing or no one to blame but myself. I've lived a life of poor dietary and unhealthy lifestyle choices and now the chickens are coming home to roost. I undoubtedly have a lot of thinking to do and many more choices to make. I admit that it's hard not to let all of these developments impact my depression and anxiety and I suppose that's natural. I'm on a lot of peoples' prayer lists and I'm truly grateful that I have such an incredible support system, both locally and those at a geographical distance. In the interest of keeping everyone in the loop I hope to post on here more regularly and I appreciate everyone keeping me in their thoughts and prayers as I continue to process and move forward with whatever might come.
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