Obsessing

So ever since I got the news that I had to see a cardio-thoracic surgeon and might possibly be facing open heart bypass surgery I admit I've been totally obsessing about it.  They say you should never use Google or the internet to search for health information because you end up diagnosing yourself with all sorts of things and pretty much decide that you're dying and have only a few months to live.  I suppose there is a kernel of truth to that.  I've been watching a lot of Youtube videos about coronary artery bypass surgery including the procedure itself as well as a number of items where people document their recovery process.  I have to say it seems so daunting knowing that it could be months before returning to a sense of normalcy.  A couple of the videos document patients first waking up in intensive care on a ventilator which scares the crap out of me.  I have this issue with the sensation of not being able to swallow; it sends me into a panic attack.  I can just imagine how that might play out as I wake up in an ICU setting.  Pain control is another scary subject for me.  Luckily all the videos I've watched so far seem to emphasize the importance of pain medication administration so maybe I'm blowing that out of proportion.  Several health care facilities around the country have instructional clips posted about post operative care of the cardiac surgical patient and what they can expect.  These have been pretty helpful in giving me an idea of what's to come for me should surgery be the most recommended course of action.  I've talked myself into the fact that this will be the case just so there are no surprises.  I went into the catheterization procedure thinking the worst case scenario would be the placing of stents if needed.  I suppose there was a small part of my brain that worried open heart surgery would be necessary but I hadn't really given it much thought or credence.  I wish I had to be honest; maybe it would have prepared me more for things rather than feeling somewhat blindsided by the news.  My appointment isn't until next Thursday so I have an entire week to continue my obsession with absorbing as much as I can. Honestly the information I've found so far has been rather helpful and has answered many of the questions that have been rolling around in my head.  I also had a chance to chat some with my cousin in Texas whose husband went through bypass surgery and she's offered to be available for questions and concerns I might have as well.  I'm sure as the time approaches I'll be taking her up on her most kind and generous offer.  One thing she suggested I do is to write down any questions I have for the doctor so I don't forget anything.  I'm going to start doing that and am sure I'll have a considerable portion of a notebook filled up with questions and concerns.

I don't know if it's normal, but one of the things I've found has been on my mind a lot over the past few days is my funeral.  Maybe it's because of that internet phenomenon that has me convinced I only have a short time left.  I am fully aware this is irrational but I haven't been able to chase the thoughts away.  Perhaps because I'm never going to have a wedding I feel like my funeral should be one hell of a blow out.  I know I want a fairly traditional funeral mass and want Julie to preside over it as well as to be one of the people to eulogize me.  I plan on being cremated, not the least of which is so that I can smoke at least one more time.  I've always wanted a smoking hot body and it appears that's the only way I'll ever get one.  I do want, however, to be bodily present for the funeral mass so someone is going to have to figure out how to go about renting a casket for a short period of time.  After the funeral I'll be cremated.  The music is to be classical/sacred and the casket is to be draped in white with a big spray of purple and white flowers adorning the top.  Not only is purple my favorite color but it also represents penitence.  God knows I'm a sinner and I hope I can be forgiven for a lifetime of sin and indiscretion.  Most of my ashes I'm assuming with be interred in Wooster, Ohio next to Mom and Dad since I have a plot there beside them.  A couple friends have promised that the remaining portion of my ashes will be deposited somehow on the queen's float in the Tournament of Roses parade on New Year's Day.  I've always had a love of parades, was involved in my hometown festival organizing its parade, and even got to attend the Rose Parade in Pasadena years ago.  I remember that as my all time favorite vacation and one of the best times I've had in my whole life.  Why the queen's float?  Well I guess that's pretty self explanatory but if you don't already know then you'll have to come to the funeral to find out.  Enough about funerals for now.  I know it's a depressing subject but it's what's been on my mind so here I am writing about it.

I feel so lucky and blessed that I have such a great support system in place in preparation for whatever might come in the future.  Jackie, Julie, Jacque, JK and Sue have all been so great about getting me places I need to be and have been so supportive throughout this whole process.  I worry about coming home after surgery.  From everything I've read and seen online it's not advisable to be by myself for weeks after discharge.  Mobility and stamina will be the biggest issues I'm sure and I will probably need a lot of help at first.  For this reason it may be advisable for me to go to a skilled nursing facility from the hospital, at least for a while until I'm able to be on my own.  I have no idea what my health insurance covers as far as that goes but hopefully that will work out.  I have to say I've been really happy with my Humana Medicare plan.  I've had no negative issues with them at all so far and they've made things very easy.  When all this started I had in my mind that the wheels of managed care would move pretty slowly and it would be a hassle getting referrals.  I've been so pleased with how quickly they've responded to all the requests so far and I'm thrilled that the surgeon recommended by my cardiologist has turned out to be in network.  I was worried as I couldn't find him in my provider directory and thought I'd have to settle for another surgeon, perhaps one that my cardiologist didn't know or isn't comfortable with.  But that worked out very well.  I was also really impressed by Honor Health North Mountain Hospital where I had my catheterization.  Everyone there was so welcoming and caring from the minute we walked through the doors.  Admitting was friendly and efficient and the nurses who cared for me were just awesome.  From what the cardiologist and nursing staff said this is the hospital the surgeon prefers to do his procedures and that's fine with me.  I just need to get through this next week until I'm able to actually see him and we can go from there.