Goodbye My Dear Brother

I'm very sad to report that early Sunday morning my brother Bud passed away.  The how and why are unimportant for this posting as my primary focus here is to reminisce a little bit and say my goodbyes in my own way.  Bud was my oldest brother sixteen years my senior.  He had just turned 68 a few days before on the 18th of July.  In many ways he was my closest brother over the years as well.  Though rocky at times as is the case in the best of families I think we had a great relationship overall.  He always took an active interest in what I was doing and what was going on in my life.  I was able to call him and talk about problems and other goings on and he always had a friendly and willing ear.  We shared some commonalities health wise including diabetes and depression and I always knew he understood what I was going through no matter what.  We shared a love of music and he introduced me to so many different composers and pieces.  I still have an entire shelf of CDs he burned for me from his vast collection.  I lean toward baroque and renaissance periods and especially enjoy the many masses composed for the church.  He was always willing to share what he had and seemed to enjoy the fact that I had such an interest and love for the music he suggested for me.  We also shared a love of food and the experience of dining out over the years.  He got such a kick out of the fact that I was so well known at my favorite haunts.  That usually got us extra special treatment.  Bud actually took me out for one of the best meals I've ever had.  We were visiting Vegas and he made arrangements for us to have a meal at the steakhouse at Harrah's Hotel and Casino.  The whole experience was exceptional from the ambiance to the impeccable service, the live entertainment to the delicious food.  I had probably the best steak I've ever had there. Again, Bud not only enjoyed the overall experience, but seemed to really delight in the fact that I was enjoying it as much as he was.  We definitely had a lot of bonding moments doing things together.  He taught me the finer points of playing black jack on that same Vegas trip.  I trusted his judgment and on many occasions he helped me to make decisions.  He was directly involved in several of my car purchases and, like me, had a love of car shopping; going out and kicking tires so to speak.  I'll definitely miss those bonds we had.

I also have Bud to thank for the best vacation I ever had.  While he was living in California I had the opportunity to visit along with Mom and Dad over Christmas and New Years.  The highlights for me were the times spent around the Tournament of Roses Parade and Universal Studios.  I had made arrangements to work on a float as well as having grandstand seats with reserved parking for the parade itself.  It was such a fun adventure.  We got to laugh for years after that at how everything fell into place.  Bud was a bit of a pessimist about everything working out.  He doubted we'd be able to actually decorate one of the floats because so many people were trying to get in.  We showed up at the float barn we had been directed to and they were turning people away.  This seemed to confirm Bud's hesitation but I was undaunted and we approached the white coated gentleman with the clipboard.  I gave him my name and explained I was visiting from Ohio to help decorate.  After checking his clipboard we were swiftly escorted into the float barn.  While we walked in the gentleman explained we'd be working on the Puerto Rico float.  We were introduced to the float designer who assigned me to work on a large parrot on the rear of the float.  After some instruction I was off and running helping glue on leaves and flower petals. While I worked on my assigned task a stunning woman in a fabulous beaded gown came up to me, tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to assist her.  Here it turned out to be Miss Puerto Rico and she needed help putting on her sash and crown.  Judging was taking place on the floats shortly and anyone riding in the parade had to be on the float for judging.  Out of the literally thousands of people in that float barn, she picked me to approach.  You could have knocked Bud over with a feather he was so shocked at my sheer luck.  We also saw Shirley Temple Black who was the Grand Marshall of the parade that year.  The morning of the parade itself Bud felt we needed to leave at some ungodly hour to avoid traffic and the hordes of people we'd have to fight with to get there.  It turned out there was very little traffic and we arrived at the grandstand basically in the middle of the night.  We were the first car in the parking lot.  Because I had reserved parking included with my tickets parking was valet.  We ended up being the only two people in the grandstand for a couple hours before others began to arrive.  It was all good though as there were people lining the streets and a lot of traffic cruising up and down Colorado Boulevard so the people watching was a lot of fun.  That entire trip was just spectacular.  We ended up going to Universal Studios twice.  The first time was just Bud and I and we had such an incredible time we went back again and took Dad.  On the first trip we stopped at a photo spot to take some pictures and this oriental family who spoke no English insisted on taking my picture with them.  As near as we could tell they mistook me for John Candy.  To this day there's someone in China showing pictures of me, the big star they saw at Universal Studios.  Those are memories I'll carry with me the rest of my life thanks to Bud being there and taking me to all the venues.

In recent years we bonded over more simple things.  He visited me in Seattle and we had a great time seeing the sights and spending time together.  After moving to Arizona we did things like swimming in their pool with Mom while she lived with them.  I even lived there with them for a while during a transition time for me.  Bud was a consummate big brother who was always willing to offer advice and direction, sometimes even when it wasn't wanted.  He saw himself taking on the father figure role after Dad died.  I didn't always appreciate that as much as I should have but he was always there for me at my lowest.  It was Bud and I that went back to Ohio to see Mom one last time before she passed away.  It was Bud sitting in the rental car with me while I wept uncontrollably as we left Wooster knowing I'd never see Mom again.  It was Bud who talked me into going to the cemetery for Mom's internment.  I got bent out of shape about stupid crap at her funeral and had decided not to go.  He took the time to listen to me and understand where I was coming from and calmed me down enough to be there when I needed to be.  In the last few years we weren't as close unfortunately.  We talked periodically on the phone and shared our various struggles with each other but we didn't spend much of any actual time together.  I was wrapped up in my own problems and was in and out of the hospital so many times over the past few years.  Holding my own life together became a full time proposition and there wasn't a lot of time for anyone else other than superficially, right or wrong.  I was lucky to be able to visit him during this most recent hospitalization.  I got to sit with him and hold his hand as the end approached.  I was able to say goodbye in my own way.  I told him that Mom and Dad were waiting for him on the other side and that I'd be along soon enough.  I told him I loved him.  I left him Saturday evening and got the call just after 4:00 am Sunday morning to let me know he had left us.  There's a hole in my heart today that can't be filled.  Reflecting on these memories helps some.  I have to believe the goodbyes aren't the end, that we'll be together again in a better place, that the rest of this life is just a waiting period before we'll be reunited.  Until then I hope that he's watching over me, especially during my upcoming surgery.  Ironically he was in the same hospital and on the same unit as I will be in just a couple of weeks from now.  Maybe that's a sign that he'll be there with me watching over things.  Goodbye for now Bud; I love you and I'll see you soon!