The Insurmountable First Step

Yes Captain Obvious, it almost goes without saying that I need to quit smoking prior to having open heart surgery.  Apart from the obvious ill effects that have led me to this point in my life, it's important for other reasons as well.  The healing process after surgery is going to be long and difficult under the best of circumstances.  Smoking adds another level of unnecessary difficulty that I'm hoping to avoid.  Maybe it's too late for that; perhaps the damage is already done and my recovery is going to be even more complicated by the years of lung damage I've caused. Still, I feel  like I need to try my best to rid myself of one of my biggest risk factors.  Dr. Brady told me a horror story about one of his patients who was a smoker and had a bad smoker's cough.  After his surgery he coughed so hard that his breastbone was split back open after having been wired back together.  The patient had to go back into surgery to have it repaired.  This is certainly something I don't want to experience.  I have a pretty significant smoker's cough myself and practically hack up a lung just about every day.  I've decided to smoke what I have left and just not get any more.  I'm so exceptionally anxious about it.  I go into panic mode when I get down to just one or two packs even when I have no intention of quitting.  Right now I have one partial pack and one full pack left.  That should last me through tomorrow and then I'm done.  I'm hoping my upcoming surgery will be motivation enough for me to be successful this time but I have to admit that it seems insurmountable given my past failed attempts and just how strong my addiction is!  I know non-smokers won't understand how tough it really is.  They say it's worse than trying to quit heroine.  I wouldn't know anything about heroine personally but these cigarettes are a powerful force with me.

I've been smoking since childhood and all of my adult life.  I have no idea what it's like to be a non-smoker.  It's become such a social taboo so I guess that's a good thing and will help me along the way.  At least here in Arizona you can't smoke pretty much everywhere; bars, restaurants, coffee shops, basically any public place so I'm already limited.  I just have to add my apartment to the list and I should be fine, should being the operative word.  I'm worried that I'll just eat more and gain back the weight I've lost over the past several years.  Diet is an entirely separate issue I'm not going to get into here.  That's another step in the process I'm just not willing to face until I get this first step under control.  Cigarettes have been my friend for so long.  Like emotional eating, smoking is one of my primary coping mechanisms.  Granted, it's not a healthy one but it's a go to nevertheless.  Smoking helps me relax and calm down when I'm stressed, comforts me when I'm lonely or down, and gives me something to do besides eat.  It's going to be mighty tough to rid myself of such a long term faithful companion.  I guess I decided to write about it now to put it out there and let people know what I'm going through.  I suppose it also makes me accountable as well which provides me with a little more motivation to succeed.  I promise to be honest with how I'm doing, if I slip up, or if God forbid I'm not able to keep it up.  I can only vow to try my best.  The way I see it I only have to make it on my own for a few weeks.  After that I won't be able to smoke in the hospital or in the rehabilitation facility.  Allowing for my estimate of inpatient healing time that's another month on top of whatever I'm able to do between now and then.  After that I just have to keep going one day at a time and not pick up the habit again.  I don't want to think too far ahead because the bigger picture makes it seem like and impossible task.  I only have to make it one day at a time.  As I stare at my last unopened pack the countdown begins.  Wish me luck!