Baby Steps

So I finally heard back from my case manager yesterday.  He let me know the referral for Art Awakenings has been hand delivered to them and he plans to deliver the one for CHEEERS today.  He swung by my place for me to sign my updated treatment plan to make sure there would be no complications in the referral process.  There can be a waiting list for Art Awakenings so it might be a couple weeks before I hear anything from them.  I'm not sure how long it will be before my intake with CHEEERS might take place.  Hopefully within a matter of days but I'm prepared for there to be a delay in that one as well.  The wheels of bureaucracy tend to grind away at a slow pace I guess.  I have mixed feelings about the referrals.  I know in my heart of hearts they will be good for me but the agoraphobic that I am wants to just be and stay at home and not go out in public.  I know from my experience with Friendship that once I got used to getting up and going on a daily basis I grew to look forward to it.  I'm sure once I start getting involved in the groups I'll soon get used to leaving home and being at least semi-active.  I just have to take baby steps and give it a fair chance to be something I'll get into and enjoy.  Brian is a great help in providing encouragement and reinforces that small steps will lead to possibly big things.  This weekend we're working on decluttering my place.  Laundry is almost completely done and the kitchen is pretty much spotless now.  We're going to start sifting through unpacked boxes and getting a bunch of clothing ready to be donated.  Downsizing and consolidation is the key as I've amassed way to many clothes over the years.  I think there's going to be a lot of happy bigger guys that will end up being the recipients of my donations.  I know places like Goodwill and such so rarely have clothes in big sizes for people like me.  Hopefully someone somewhere will be pleasantly surprised and my excess apparel will be a huge benefit, no pun intended.  I'd also love to get my books unpacked and onto the bookshelves so I have access to them.  I have several bibles packed away that I'd like to start using and studying more.  They would come in very handy with my participation in the online gay Christian chat rooms.  Jacque and I would also like to start reading the bible together as well.

I get overwhelmed easily and when that happens I tend to shut down altogether.  I have to actively work hard to prevent that from happening.  That's one of the biggest reasons I have to take things in small steps.  While I feel like I'm making progress I know I still have a way to go.  When I start thinking of the big picture, of being involved in Art Awakenings and CHEEERS, of transitioning into a roommate situation, and of staring at all the boxes and work that's yet to be done it becomes pretty easy to start catastrophizing.  That's when I wind up curled up on the couch mindlessly watching TV and putting off doing anything.  Having Brian here is turning out to be exceptionally positive.  Not only do we get along so well and thoroughly enjoy each other's company but he is a huge motivator for me.  He reminds me about taking baby steps so as not to get too overwhelmed.  He picks up a great deal of my slack in getting things done and keeping them that way.  He feels strongly that helping out is one way of contributing to cohabitation and that works for me as well.  We're definitely making progress one baby step at a time and I think our living arrangements will make some of my friends and family happy.  For some time they've emphasized that living alone in the long term is not good for me and deep down I know they're right.  Communal living, however, is just not an option at all.  I've heard about too many horror stories, bad experiences and circumstances that are, shall we say, much less than ideal.  I just couldn't be comfortable living with people I didn't know or trust.  They say that people come into your life for a reason and I truly believe Brian and I were destined to be roommates.  His friendship has been such a blessing and it seems the stars aligned in just the right way to bring us together.  Getting to know each other over the past year or so and having the opportunity to try things out before moving into a permanent situation have been just the baby steps I've needed to be confident and comfortable going forward.  I think not getting an immediate response from my case manager has also been a blessing in disguise.  I believe had I jumped into another program with no break I wouldn't have had the opportunity to kick back a bit and give focusing on the roommate thing a fair shake.  God knows what's good for me and He seems to work things out in His own way so I need to let go a little and let God do his thing in my life.