Spinning My Wheels

Did you ever have that feeling that you're just spinning your wheels and not getting anywhere?  That's where I am at this point.  I still have yet to hear back from my clinic regarding referrals to the groups I had wanted to try out.  Despite numerous phone calls to my case manager there has been basically no response.  I also haven't heard anything regarding my new case manager.  I should have called my clinic and asked to speak to the case management supervisor but I haven't worked up the nerve.  I have a definite problem advocating for myself.  Even though I'm angry and frustrated I feel guilty going to a supervisor to file a complaint and possibly light a fire under someone to help me.  Guilt issues prevent me from standing up for what I need.  I feel like I'd be getting someone in trouble and that gives me a great deal of anxiety.  In my last posting I spoke about being the squeaky wheel but obviously I'm much more inclined to just give up and think to myself that I'm not worth the effort.  I'm having second thoughts at this point about going to CHEEERS and/or Art Awakenings.  I can't trust my case manager to complete the referrals needed and that calls into question all of the other logistics involved.  If I can't get in touch with them in a timely manner it makes me wonder about how reliable transportation would be since that it arranged through my clinic also.  What if I get stuck somewhere and cannot reach someone to help make sure I have a ride back home?  In my heart of hearts I know that being involved in something would be good for me but I've developed serious trust issues with the whole process to the point that I'm back to not wanting to leave home.  The past few days have been filled with negative thinking and ruminating on the problem without taking any action to resolve the situation.  I'll try to work up enough nerve to speak with a manager tomorrow but, given my track record of just giving up, I don't have a lot of confidence that I'll be able to do it.

Brian has been a Godsend.  We've decided to continue the trial period of being roommates and he plans to spend Thursdays through Sundays here with me.  It gives him respite from his less than desirable current living situation and having him here helps me a great deal in trying to put the brakes on the negative thinking.  We talk a lot about how we're doing and we encourage each other.  He prods me to start tackling tasks around the apartment and helps out with the things I have difficulty doing.  We're going to start going through unpacked boxes of clothes and create a donate pile for all the things I don't want or need anymore.  Once we have those things boxed up I'll be able to call someplace like St. Vincent De Paul to come pick everything up.  That will create a lot more usable space in the bedroom for Brian to be able to establish a more permanent presence.  I have so many clothes that I just don't wear anymore and am in desperate need of downsizing.  Ultimately our desire is to transition to a two bedroom place but my lease isn't up until October.  His current lease isn't up until June so for now we're sticking with the Thursday through Sunday arrangement.  While doing the one bedroom thing isn't ideal it's actually working quite well so far.  We get along so well and have many similar interests and tastes in TV, sports, movies and food and our personalities as very much alike in many ways.  It's nice to have someone who understands how this disease feels and manifests and can offer support in ways people without mental health issues couldn't.  Don't get me wrong; I have a wonderful support system consisting of family and friends who literally go above and beyond to help me.  It's just a little bit different having someone who walks in the same shoes if that makes any sense.  He's good at motivating me to do more little by little which is very helpful.  Having someone I'm also accountable to makes a big difference.  I can't get away with letting things go until they are overwhelming which, for me, is definite progress.  He's also being very supportive and encouraging when it comes to advocating for myself, though I haven't gotten there yet.  Maybe he'll help me work up the nerve to call my clinic on Thursday or Friday while he's here.  We shall see.