Insomnia and Some Reading

It just struck 1:30 am and I'm still wide awake.  It was a slow day earlier and I ended up napping quite a bit so it's no surprise that I'm up at this hour.  As there's not much on TV, I thought I'd do a little writing about a few things I've been reading lately.  I just finished a book called God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines.  It was a great read that delved into the biblical references that speak to same-sex relations and what is said and not said about homosexuality.  It helped me to understand more about the cultural context of the six passages.  I guess I was surprised that there are only six, especially given the emphasis right wing conservatives place on the issue.  I would have thought there were a lot more, and with more explicit language.  It was also surprising to me how certain sections of the bible dealt with cultural norms of the day and no longer seem applicable in today's society; while other passages are clung to in order to justify discrimination and condemnation of the LGBT community.  My purpose isn't to change anyone's mind on the issue, but rather to just point out that this was an exceptionally thought provoking book and I recommend it to anyone who might be interested.  Another book I read recently was Torn by Justin Lee.  This was also a great read and chronicles Justin's journey of self acceptance as a gay Christian.  Unable to change his orientation regardless of how hard he tried, he discusses his path of investigation and discovery and deals a little bit with the issues of celibacy versus same-sex marriage.  Many churches these days have moved to becoming open and affirming toward the LGBT community and some even support and perform same-sex marriages.  Many more don't and continue to preach against homosexuality, don't accept openly LGBT members and actively lobby against same-sex unions of any kind.  Even as we speak the United Methodist Church is on the precipice of splitting over these issues.  Acceptance of the LGBT community within the Christian faith remains a highly divisive issue.

As I've written in the past, I've struggled a great deal with my sexual orientation and have often wished I had been or could be straight.  I still feel that if I could take a pill or just wake up tomorrow and not be gay I would do it in an instant, no hesitation whatsoever.  I guess a lot of people might think that's an odd thing to wish for given the growing tolerance and acceptance today, but remember I was born and raised in a different time.  Orientation other than heterosexual simply wasn't talked about at all, except maybe for the name calling and bullying that took place on the playgrounds and in the halls of middle and high school.  Having been sexually abused from the time I was four years old and having it go on throughout elementary, junior high and high school, I was left with a horrible and contradictory double message.  I knew from my sexual experiences that it existed, but also knew I could never tell anyone; I also knew from being bullied and teased, sometimes from the same people I was involved with intimately, that it was something that was definitely wrong, bad, sinful, repulsive, and unforgivable.  How could God possibly accept and love me?  Surely I could never have a personal relationship with Jesus as my Lord and savior the way that other people talked about.  All I knew is that I was going to hell, I wasn't worth anything and was nothing but a disappointment to my parents and siblings.  While I consider myself a Christian now it took me a long time to get here, and I still battle with many of those deeply seeded feelings that have never gone completely away.  As much as I wish it were, it's not enough to just have someone tell me that God loves and cares for me even as a gay man.  I have to work at it pretty hard actually.  I've come a long way from where I was in my youth and adolescence, but I definitely have a long way to go.  I'm not sure what the answer is yet, but books like Torn and God and the Gay Christian have helped me to view things in a new and different light.  I need to work on my personal relationship with God now and hopefully get to a point that I'm not only comfortable but confident in my faith as well.  I'm thinking about reading The Purpose Driven Life next.  It is supposedly a great book focusing on finding purpose and meaning in life.  It doesn't deal with sexuality or orientation that I know of but is a more general study guide.  It's designed to be read over the course of 40 days but I'm not sure I'll be able to limit myself to only one chapter per day. We'll see how it goes.