I finished reading The Purpose Driven Life from cover to cover. It was a great read. Admittedly I didn't follow instructions as the book is designed to be read only one chapter per day over the course of 40 days, but I found it so interesting and compelling I just had to keep going. Now that I've read it all I want to go back and do a chapter at a time, focusing on the bible verses referenced and pondering more deeply the discussion questions. I see now how beneficial it is to work your way through the book much more slowly. I'd actually like to find someone who would be willing to work on it with me but everyone I know who might be interested is so busy with other things. Reading it through as I did made the concepts and challenges seem daunting. Like any major undertaking it's going to take one step at a time. Baby steps! The first question that jumped out at me was in chapter 2; I know that God uniquely created me ... What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept? Wow, that's a big one! Where do I even begin explaining all the areas I struggle with? I guess honesty and full disclosure are in order since God already knows everything anyway. For starters I have to acknowledge that I've not been a good steward when it comes to my body being a temple, unless of course you consider it as a crumbled and ancient ruin in desperate need of overhauling. It's probably haunted as well. I've simply not taken care of myself which has been a lifelong battle. Another aspect of my life that I have yet to come to complete terms with is my mental illness. Bipolar, depression and anxiety have been with me since childhood for any number of reasons, whether it resulted from chemical or biological disposition or as a result of the years of physical and emotional abuse. Being in and out of hospitals, especially over the past several years, and having tried numerous individual and combinations of various medications has left me feeling somewhat defeated. Inpatient stays as well as various group therapy programs have encompassed a very tiring and draining process. Overall, though, it's not anything entirely new. After all, the first time I was hospitalized was my freshman year in high school. It, too, has been a lifelong struggle indeed.
I think the two biggest barriers to having a more deep and fulfilling relationship with God and Christ is my low to non-existent self esteem and my sexual orientation. I simply don't believe I'm good enough for or worthy of God's love. I wish I didn't have to admit that. I mean according to scripture technically speaking none of us are good enough which I guess is the point, that God loves us in spite of not being worthy, that Jesus died for us because we aren't deserving. I suppose it's somehow arrogant of me to think that somehow I'm special enough to be singled out, that God loves everyone except me. I wish I could snap my fingers and somehow suddenly be completely confident that God loved me. All I can say is that I'm working on it. Similarly, my sexual orientation has contributed to my feelings of worthlessness, depression and anxiety. And it's not something that will ever go away; I can't change it in any way, as much as I've wished I could. At least on the surface, and when interpreted literally, there's no question that the bible speaks about homosexuality in the negative. Who am I to question that? Yet how can God have created me the way I am and still view me as an abomination worthy of death? From my own experience it isn't a choice. I would never have chosen this under any circumstances. I don't know anyone personally who would have. Reading Torn and God and the Gay Christian have helped somewhat, making me at least consider alternative viewpoints on the scripture passages that deal with same-sex relations. I can see that there may be something to cultural context when it comes to dealing with sexual and gender roles in biblical times. Yet there is still such a schism in today's society between the left and right, liberal and conservative. Just the other day Franklin Graham called out Mayor Pete Buttigieg to repent for being gay. To many of those on the religious right it goes beyond even behavior. To many people even simply being gay, even if that orientation is not acted upon, is a sin worthy of condemnation to hell. What if they're right? Am I damned to hell regardless of what I do or believe? In spite of it being perhaps too little too late, I'm embarking on an investigatory journey to see what I can find out or come to understand. It's like that old saying, today is the first day of the rest of your life. I can only start where I am and see where things take me. Perhaps I'll be able to overcome these manyfold stumbling blocks and I'll be able to work toward living a more purpose driven life as defined by Rick Warren's book. I can only try and hope that God will help and guide me along the way.
I think the two biggest barriers to having a more deep and fulfilling relationship with God and Christ is my low to non-existent self esteem and my sexual orientation. I simply don't believe I'm good enough for or worthy of God's love. I wish I didn't have to admit that. I mean according to scripture technically speaking none of us are good enough which I guess is the point, that God loves us in spite of not being worthy, that Jesus died for us because we aren't deserving. I suppose it's somehow arrogant of me to think that somehow I'm special enough to be singled out, that God loves everyone except me. I wish I could snap my fingers and somehow suddenly be completely confident that God loved me. All I can say is that I'm working on it. Similarly, my sexual orientation has contributed to my feelings of worthlessness, depression and anxiety. And it's not something that will ever go away; I can't change it in any way, as much as I've wished I could. At least on the surface, and when interpreted literally, there's no question that the bible speaks about homosexuality in the negative. Who am I to question that? Yet how can God have created me the way I am and still view me as an abomination worthy of death? From my own experience it isn't a choice. I would never have chosen this under any circumstances. I don't know anyone personally who would have. Reading Torn and God and the Gay Christian have helped somewhat, making me at least consider alternative viewpoints on the scripture passages that deal with same-sex relations. I can see that there may be something to cultural context when it comes to dealing with sexual and gender roles in biblical times. Yet there is still such a schism in today's society between the left and right, liberal and conservative. Just the other day Franklin Graham called out Mayor Pete Buttigieg to repent for being gay. To many of those on the religious right it goes beyond even behavior. To many people even simply being gay, even if that orientation is not acted upon, is a sin worthy of condemnation to hell. What if they're right? Am I damned to hell regardless of what I do or believe? In spite of it being perhaps too little too late, I'm embarking on an investigatory journey to see what I can find out or come to understand. It's like that old saying, today is the first day of the rest of your life. I can only start where I am and see where things take me. Perhaps I'll be able to overcome these manyfold stumbling blocks and I'll be able to work toward living a more purpose driven life as defined by Rick Warren's book. I can only try and hope that God will help and guide me along the way.
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