A Toolbox Unopened

Tools come in many forms.  Many of us have toolboxes where we keep those handy items we just might need one day so screws can be tightened, nails can be placed for hanging a piece of art, or any number of other "honey-do" items that need done around the house.  We also use tools like keeping a calendar or using our smart phones to maintain a schedule and remind ourselves of appointments and other important events.  Virtual tools come in all forms as evidenced by the seemingly millions of apps and programs that make our technology work better for us.  What's good for some may not be of any use to another.  I'm an avid user of technology to do just about everything from keeping records, utilizing calendars and to do lists, staying in touch with family and friends via Facebook and other social media.  But when it comes to being handy around the house, well let's just say I'm somewhat inept and much prefer to call on my go to man Billy, Jackie's husband.  He's an absolute marvel and can do just about anything!  I can't tell you how many times I've been saved by his mechanical aptitude and skill set.  Do I have a tool box that has some basics in it?  Yes.  Do I ever open it and use them?  No, well at least not very often at all.  I don't because I haven't ever developed the comfort level with being handy or doing home improvement projects, so the tools I do possess in that regard go unutilized for the most part.

The bulk of what we work on in the intensive group therapy includes learning tools to help handle and overcome negative and self-destructive beliefs and thoughts that elicit, contribute to or intensify feelings of depression, anxiety and worthlessness.  The information is sinking in and makes total sense on a conscious level, but this past weekend of falling back into a pretty deep depression and struggling with those tenacious thoughts of hopelessness and fear made me realize that those tools, like the ones in the toolbox in my cupboard, aren't much use unless I practice using them.  If I am not actively working to apply what I'm learning, sometimes on a minute by minute basis, these tools really aren't going to help.  This morning as I sulked into group from what I considered a bad weekend, emotionally speaking, I was promptly reminded that I actually did pretty well for an initial effort.  I called a friend Friday night in tears just needing to talk rather than isolating and withdrawing from everyone which was my usual behavior.  I accepted a dinner invitation Saturday evening and spent some quality time with awesome friends and great food rather than closing myself off in my condo and spurning any kind of social interaction.  Yes, my Sunday plans didn't work out but it wasn't because I didn't want to go, rather just adverse circumstances were to blame.  And even Sunday night when I might have normally wallowed in my own negativity and despair, I cooked a pot of food and called my neighbor to come up and enjoy it with me while we watched the Steelers - Panthers game.  It ended up being quite a nice weekend when I thought back on it and the group encouraged me to see that I wasn't recognizing that I did actually use a few of the tools we've been discussing without being aware of it and giving myself credit.

Once I got home today I found Now Voyager playing on Turner Classic Movies and as I watched Bette Davis fight to learn who she could be and overcome the circumstances that had beaten her down for so long I began to draw a parallel to my own situation.  She had to fight to apply what she learned, sometimes not with full success, and eventually she became more and more proficient at appreciating who she was and what she had to offer the world.  I know now, more than ever before, that it really does take a lot of hard, and yes sometimes very painful work on my part, and I have to begin giving myself credit and celebrating even the small victories and start to recognize and claim who I am and what I bring to the table.  Will it be easy?  Definitely not!  I guess in working through some of the materials and exercises it seemed very straightforward and, as one of my work buddies always says, easy-peasy!  And yes, much of it makes perfect sense and sounds like it shouldn't be difficult to simply apply the tools and be instantly better.  As with anything worth having in life, it certainly doesn't come as easy as it sounds.  At first this realization frustrated me and I kept asking myself what I was doing wrong.  Now my challenge is to recognize what I'm doing right and celebrate the progress, however small.  The big picture will come into focus in time, but I can't get there without working hard on even the most small and basic brushstrokes that go into it.

Knowing and possessing the tools in the toolbox is the easy part.  Once they are present and available to use it takes an act of will, and a measure of faith, to open the box and start really learning how to apply the tools in the most impactful way.  I feel very lucky that I didn't get into that totally dark place this weekend, even though I felt like it at times, but in hindsight actually did start to put a couple of those tools to work, albeit unconsciously.  It gives me hope that when I begin to consciously take inventory of and focus the techniques and skills I'm learning and processing, how much more successful I will become at taking back control and dealing with situations, thoughts and emotions in a significantly healthier and more productive manner.  I cannot just put the toolbox aside and expect them to work without concerted effort on my part.  Otherwise I know full well that I could easily end up wallowing in the mire and not making any progress while that toolbox sits on the shelf unopened and gathering dust.  Thanks to the ongoing support and encouragement of friends and family, and some tough love and input from the group, I am beginning to recognize and internalize that ultimately no one but me can do the hard work that is necessary.  I've got to keep that toolbox handy and actually open it when it's needed in order to truly reap the benefits and achieve the best possible outcome for myself.