Checking for Aardvarks

When I was growing up, all through my formative years and into adulthood, my father smoked on and off, usually more on and sometimes attempting to hide it until he couldn't any longer.  Mom, having quit cold turkey early on in my life, did not allow smoking inside the house and Dad was relegated to either the back porch or the garage.  Without fail, every time he went out to smoke he would announce that he was going out to check for aardvarks because they were notorious for attacking and damaging foundations.  Of course this was in no way true, especially given us living in Ohio and not having aardvarks at all except for maybe at the zoo, but it became a constant family joke for the rest of his life.  It became such a part of who Dad was and his marvelous sense of humor, which I like to think I inherited at least in part.  Until I caved in during the heat of summer here in Phoenix and began smoking inside, I often recalled and sometimes actually said that I was going out to check for them.  I guess it was my way to still connect to Dad who has been gone now for quite a while.  Even now I still have fond memories of spending time with him in the garage, where we had a comfy little sitting area all set up.

Now aardvarks and anteaters are two different animals, but both do subsist on a diet of ants.  So what made me think of Dad and his ongoing joke of checking for aardvarks?  Well, today in group we watched a presentation and discussed ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) and how destructive they can be if left unchallenged and not overcome.  Reading ahead to prepare for tomorrow's session I delved into more detail of what Daniel Amen, MD has to say about it in his work ANT Therapy: How to Develop Your Own Internal Anteater to Eradicate Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs).  As he aptly points out, automatic negative thoughts contribute significantly to depression and a feeling of fatalism and hopelessness.  Making assumptions based on these thoughts impacts our inner beliefs over time as well by conditioning us to believe such irrational and unfounded conclusions as "You don't love me", "I'm a failure" and "Nothing ever works out for me", just to name a few examples.  Once these thoughts and beliefs translate into clinical depression and anxiety it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to find any enjoyment or fulfillment in life.

Dr. Amen goes on to outline steps to follow in order to recognize and work to overcome these ANTs, which I won't go into in detail here.  But he does use some great imagery that deals with training your inner anteater, which immediately calls to mind the aardvark my Dad always referred to.  Maybe he wasn't trying to chase them away after all, but wanted to make sure they were there and well fed.  Now I doubt seriously Dad ever had such things in mind, but it is comforting for me to adapt my fond memories of him checking for aardvarks into a tool that will help me to identify and defeat those automatic negative thoughts that I have simply accepted in the past and now work every day to fight and overcome.  Going forward I will be checking for my own inner aardvarks and fostering them to be strong and healthy so that we can battle those ANTs together, and in doing so I am also presented with a way to reconnect with Dad and embrace those good memories.  I'd like to believe that the aardvarks of which my father spoke were in some way his unwitting gift to me so I could later use them in my own struggle and healing process.  Even if that isn't the case, I still have to say "Thanks Dad!"