Unpacking from a Guilt Trip

As I previously mentioned, my homework this weekend consisted of delving into guilt and how unhealthy it can be to harbor.  I anticipated that the exercises I had to do in preparation for tomorrow's group session would be difficult, emotional and most likely unpleasant.  I actually started reading yesterday and had to mull a few things over to try and truly grasp the concepts I was learning, or at least trying to learn.  Guilt has been a significant portion of my life for as long as I can remember, so this assignment led me to begin digging up and evaluating just what it is that causes me to feel guilty in hopes that this insight will lead to dealing with those thoughts and emotions in a healthy and productive way.  Of course it makes sense that sometimes having guilt is a positive thing and can either help us to stop doing something that goes against our core values, like theft or larceny, but where problems emerge is when we start to define ourselves by this guilt and shame.  Holding on to these types of feelings certainly contributes significantly to a damaged, and sometimes non-existent, self esteem.  I can relate to this from practically a lifetime of conditioning that has destroyed my self image and aided in preventing me from loving and accepting myself as a unique and valuable creation.  I also must take ownership for getting to this point since, regardless of the sources conditioning has stemmed from,  It was interesting to discover that shame can go hand in hand with guilt, but the two really are different animals.  I've begun to differentiate between the two in my initial, albeit cursory at this point, identification of some of the things I harbor guilt about and I can now see that shame deserves the same attention.

I have known for a long time now that guilt has been a huge contributor to my low sense of self-worth.  Being gay, for example, is an aspect of my being that I don't think I have ever been able to truly be comfortable with.  Regardless of how much society has progressed and recognition and acceptance are becoming much more commonplace, I still have very deep rooted feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough. For the bulk of my life I have had this internal struggle going on when it comes to squaring my sexual orientation with my Christian belief system.  When I came out in the eighties things were certainly different.  Being gay wasn't something you could, or should, openly admit to family and friends, and certainly never in the workplace.  I can't tell you how many of my friends and acquaintances have been disowned and ostracized by their families, or their employment was terminated for simply being open about their orientation and who they were.  Now I consider myself very lucky because I didn't experience that kind of complete retribution.  My parents were very supportive of me and only desired my happiness.  A few of my siblings provided much the same acceptance, but others did not handle it quite so well and I feel certain there are still those family members who are disgusted and appalled and continue to maintain only distant contact when absolutely necessary.  Things are so different now for the LGBT community and there are younger generations that thankfully never had to experience what it used to be like.  Not that the entirety of the population is all warm and fuzzy about it, but the numbers of bigoted and judgmental homophobes are certainly decreasing.  So why haven't I been able to achieve that inner peace and contentment with that part of who I am?  I suppose decades of indoctrination doesn't just go away that easily.

In my current situation I am battling tremendous guilt and shame about having to rely on others for financial assistance to get me through.  It kills me to have to ask for help, and I'm not even that comfortable when it's openly offered and given without solicitation.  I know consciously that there have been plenty of times in my life that I was able to help someone in need or going through some sort of crisis, but when the tables are turned it's a completely different story.  I feel like I should just be able to stand on my own two feet and support myself at this point in my life, whatever may come along, and feel like an incredible failure when that ends up not being the case.  I'm learning to accept others' help and support and am starting to recognize that they want to assist and it gives them a good feeling to be able to do so, just as it does for me whenever I can do the same for others.  I have begun to challenge those thoughts of guilt, hopelessness and being a failure, replacing them with affirmations that my circumstances are temporary and that in spite of it all I truly am a good person and have value and worth.  It isn't easy and I don't anticipate that it will be, but it's something I simply must do for my own sense of well being.

So as I sit here processing what I've read and looked over the exercises I've completed, I am beginning to see that I have packed my bags to the breaking point for the guilt trips that I have heretofore been on.  I'm actually surprised that the luggage hasn't burst or completely worn out from the weight and stress of their over-stuffed contents.  I am now at a place in my healing journey that I have to start unpacking and putting away what I've been carrying for so long.  Just like everything else involved with my recovery process, it isn't an easy task and I'm sure the suitcases are going to be there a while just in case I embark on another destructive guilt trip.  The facades, masks, and underlying negative and destructive self talk and unhealthy core beliefs need to be laundered and neatly placed and locked away in storage.  My hope is that storage locker will end up being abandoned altogether at some point and it's contents thrown permanently away.  Hell, maybe I can start using those bags for a better purpose and start taking some trips that don't involve guilt and shame.  That luggage is just the vessel and what goes into it is my responsibility.  I need to assume that control and start packing the tools and affirmations that will carry me to better, healthier and more positive destinations!