The Lion in the Mirror

The past two days have brought me to the realization that I don't acknowledge or give myself credit for my strengths, good points and the things I do well.  I suppose I've always known this to be true on some level.  I have always had a hard time accepting compliments or praise for any number of things, it's just always been my nature to kind of shrug that stuff off and not truly believe it's true.  This is, of course, the direct result of having such low self esteem and the inability to truly love myself for who I am and what I have to offer as a person.  It is truly one of my principal areas of opportunity and there is a great deal of room for improvement.  My latest speed bump, having to do with an unexpected change in my health benefit plan, is a great illustration of how I don't recognize when I do something positive.  Once I had the opportunity to discuss the situation in group, I was rather surprised at the feedback that I got from everyone.  They pointed out to me that I had indeed followed the steps and utilized the tools we have covered in processing the problem, and in looking back on it I can see that I did actually work through the issue just as I was supposed to.  I acknowledged that I was catastrophizing, jumping to conclusions and fortune telling, assuming the worst and feeling beaten down and helpless.  I reviewed and rated the issue on the catastrophe scale, found that it was truly a big deal and not something I could just minimize or let go of.  Once I did that, I created and worked through a game plan on how to resolve it, followed through on that plan, and then waited for the outcome to become clear.  I was reminded that, even if the change was permanent and correct, I have an outstanding support system and people in my life who would not let me crash and burn no matter what.  I would get through it regardless of how it turned out, and that made me feel much better, albeit still somewhat worried, but I had successfully progressed from the Henny Penny "sky is falling" belief to a more realistic "I can do this no matter what" attitude.  I had to change my beliefs about what the outcomes might result in and reassure myself that my higher power and I have got this!

I was rewarded today by receiving the news that the change in benefits had been an error and it was corrected.  While it will take a couple of days for all of the relevant systems to update, I have met both my deductible and out of pocket maximum for the year and benefits will continue to cover my treatment and medications in full.  Hallelujah!  Yes, that most definitely is a positive outcome, but even more importantly, I had gotten to the point that I was ready and able to handle whatever might come my way, even if it wasn't in my favor.  I am stronger than I give myself credit for being and I have actually absorbed the material I've learned in group to the point that I worked it through in a healthy way, even though I didn't realize I was doing so.  The positive affirmations I have posted on my bathroom mirror are really beginning to sink in and I'm starting to recognize the lion looking back at me as the person I'm becoming.  I have to admit that I would see the amazing progress others were making in group and feeling a little bit jealous that they seemed to be getting it while I still sat in the mire spinning my wheels.  Well, I'm coming to the belief that even if I am deep in that mire, I can engage the four wheel drive and get myself out of it and on to more solid ground.  What an empowering feeling it is to believe that you can handle anything that might be put in front of you, and do so effectively using the tools you've been given.  I'm beginning to feel like a person who has been possessed by inner demons for so long, but have been given the gift of exorcism.  Much like Linda Blair in that classic film, it isn't necessarily a quick or easy journey, and in fact can get pretty messy sometimes, but the results will come more and more quickly as I begin to internalize what I've learned and apply it to any situation that pops up along the way.  I can't express vehemently enough that I couldn't do this solely on my own.  I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the excellent treatment I've received both in the hospital and in follow-up outpatient therapy, and of course to my staunch and unwavering support system that I am blessed to have in my life.  I finally feel like I am becoming the person that they can be proud of, and I in myself to much greater measure than ever before.  So yes, it may sound Stuart Smalley-ish of me, but I can now say with some conviction that I am Tom, and I like myself!

The work on other areas has also begun in earnest and I'm beginning to delve into and process the traumas of my past that have unknowingly haunted me in one form or another for most of my life.  That, too, will not be an easy or short journey, but with the success I'm seeing and the improvements that are taking shape in other areas, I have a much greater level of confidence in myself and in my support team that I will come through the refining fire more healed and possessing the knowledge and tools that will carry me through.  I've begun to understand and accept that God does love me and that I am worth it, and that He does speak to me through the angels he's set in my path.  I have yet to reestablish attending mass on a regular basis but I do want to work toward that goal because I realize that will deepen and strengthen my relationship with God as well.  I'm now working closely with my doctor to tweak the medication regimen I'm on to achieve optimum results that also bolster my abilities to handle and get through the issues I have to overcome.  The next two weeks should be interesting as I ramp down off of one medication while simultaneously ramping up another.  Today was the first day after starting that process and I'm having some considerable hang over effects, but am told that will likely wear off after a few days.  All of the pieces are starting to come together and life in general is looking better and better.  I'm setting longer term goals now, such as preparing to get back to working on and completing my Master's degree and resolving the financial issues that I've been faced with.  I take this as a great sign that I am prepared to stick around for the duration, take better care of myself physically, mentally and spiritually, and continue the journey of recovery.  I can hear my cheering section daily yelling "Go Tom Go!" and it is propelling me forward toward accomplishing both my short and long term goals, recognizing and giving myself credit for my achievements, and valuing myself as a person and what I have to offer the world.  So today life is pretty darn good and the future is getting brighter and brighter on the horizon!